Fingers play on black and white
While melodies pour dread.
Honest eyes, they shine so bright
And rage burns vision red.
-
Fingers dance on black and white,
Fear comes black and blue...
Silver metal mirrors light
And blood dries sweet maroon.
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Fingers slow on black and white,
Tears are falling down.
Old ghosts lurk just out of sight
And color roses brown.
-
Fingers bleed on black and white
As night fades into day.
Features frozen in delight
And pink lips turn to gray.
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Wow, this is an actually amazing piece of work, by the first few lines I had already liked it, and I think I'll follow you too, it's that good!
My favourite bits of your poem were definitely the parts where you made time pass by referring to the fingers on the piano. How at first they "play" which is usual, and then by the end it's at the stage where they are bleeding. Very powerful.
Your rhyming was nice too, I never usually write rhyming poems as i find they sound forced and hard to do, bu this was not forced and it sounds amazing, trust me!
I hope that this helped despite that fact I couldn't find anything for you to improve on!
-CFG
Thank you!!!
Hello! This a very nice poem, and leaves me thinking what situation would you play the piano immediately before death? This left me thinking. ..
The words are perfect, and contain several lovely phrases, such as "Fingers frozen in delight".
The only criticism I would give is so little punctuation. I think some more might slow down the reader, which would help with this poem's pacing.
Hope This Helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Hey there! Here to review =)
Beautiful poem. You paint everything so beautifully. You have a way with words, seriously.
I really liked the last couple lines. Especially the line where it says, "And pink lips turn to gray." Wow. Just wow. I can't think of anything to critique on, of anything that needs improvement. But anyway, good job. Looking forward to seeing more from you!
Thank you very much
I loved this poem. It was nice and dramatic and paired with the black and white of the piano it makes it suspenseful. I do however have a nitpick. Two, actually.
Your repetition of the word "And". It gets tiresome to read and it just kinda makes it more difficult for me to read the poem smoothly. If you took out all of the "ands" except for the first one in each stanza, it will read smoother.
Second nitpick, I think the reason you felt the need to repeat And so much is because you didn't add punctuation to help your rhythm. Punctuation isn't necessary but if you're just going to replace the punctuation with "and" then it is needed. You don't even have to add a lot. I'll give you an example.
Try turning this into:
"Fingers play on black and white
While melodies pour dread.
Honest eyes shine so bright
And rage burns vision red."
The second stanza could go something like this:
"Fingers dance on black and white
And fear comes black and blue.
Silver metal mirrors light,
And blood dries sweet maroon."
Or something along those lines. You get the point.
Again, I thought this poem was amazing, I loved all of the stanzas and your repetition of black and white. Sometimes repetition annoys me but I thought it was wonderful in this poem. I also loved your steady rhyme scheme, and how it made the poem flow better. Great Job and I definitely look forward to reading more literary works by you.
Keep Writing!
-Gravity
I hope the changes I made improve the flow. Thank you! Personally, I love repetition if it's used to enhance a poem