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139,496 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Hello xDarkHeart27x,
pickles here and I just wanted to say that I loved how did you put the words fall and impact vertically and horizontally. This way of writing gives you more imagery and a feeling about this dramatic poem. Nothing to nag on about I personally loved it. Have a great day and keep it up
Bye!!!
Wow. Thanks and have an awesometastic day
XDarkHeart27x,
I really like how you structured this!! To me, the beginning is a cliff and the rest is that person falling and 'impact' showing a body on the ground, ugh, so clever. Here's my ONLY remark:
"if only I felt what you did, I would have held you, written..."
While I was reading this line, the second comma after 'you' felt a little uncomfortable. I suggest replacing it with a semicolon instead. But honestly, I love all of this and it's your choice because its still an amazing poem, a feeling.
Going to read the rest of your words now
Keep on expressing.
-Percybeth
That's exactly what I aimed for with the structuring
I'll edit soon and post the revisions. Thanks a billion!
Greetings!
I am not a fan of structured writing, but I think in this case it was appropriate due to the subtle way this comes across, this helps transfer the message.
A couple of points on the structure. Firstly "impact" is a little off centre. I know its OCD, but this bugs me. Secondly "Eyes shut tight" doesn't really match the falling pattern.
I thought rather than have the arms wide like angels wings bit, perhaps talk about his arms as wings, but describe them as featherless? Just an idea I had.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
I know >.< It took me forever to get the formatting right and it still isn't exactly how I wanted it. I'll fix it soon. I love your idea about the wings. I'll try and find the right wording for it
and thank you for reading, commenting, etc. it means a lot.
Hi! Xanthia has arrived with her fourth review ever
I liked the way you wrote about this topic in a more tactful manner. You didn't even have to say what it was about because though the delivery was subtle, it wasn't too subtle.
Also, the formatting works well for this poem because it's like the words are falling until the very last word, which kind of...scatters, for lack of a better word. But why is it so fuzzy-looking? It makes the poem a little harder to read, so you should try and fix that.
I have an issue with the "eyes shut tight" part as well. I mean, why are their eyes closed so tightly? Does it represent fear or tension? Was he/she crying? It doesn't seem like you need it, actually. But whatever you choose to do is fine.
This a really really small thing, but the "impact" looks a little misaligned. And there's no punctuation at the end. Was that on purpose?
Sorry I didn't have much to help you with, but...yeah. Sorry. I really liked the poem though! It was very emotional. I hope you're not actually suffering from something like this. Here if you need me.
-X
Gah! The image refuses to look any clearer. I had to screenshot (screenshoot? :p) the poem because YWS wouldn't cooperate with my formatting. I'll fix the impact part
thx for reviewing!
Wow...very dark and emotional. Keep up the great work.
Thanks <3