you drown in beauty
crafted by artists' hands and
kiss yourself goodbye.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey!
This work is really hard to get hold of.
Partly because of its brevity, but also because of the language used.
Um...
Artificiality in itself is a big word to swallow. And an even bigger concept. You are tackling a huge issue here and I feel like this work doesn't do it justice because there is so much more you could say about it.
What you have written is simple and quite effective, but there is definitely room for aggressive expansion.
'you drown in beauty' - this paints quite an ugly picture ironically, so that works.
'crafted by artists' hands and...' - I think this is strangely contradictory to your point against aesthetics because an artist deliberately manipulates visuals. So, I'm not too sure about this line.
'kiss yourself goodbye.' - surrendering yourself to commercialism and stereotypical views of beauty is what I take from this, but as I said, I think the previous line detracts from this point somewhat.
I need som clarification as a reader to understand exactly the point you are making here.
Other than that, I like what you're doing here. Cool.
~BSF
You've got the gist of it, but it think I can explain a bit more
The character I created is, in fact, artificial. By no means does she stick to her natural appearance. The word "artist" was meant to show that she's used herself as a canvas for her work. Makeup, surgery, anything to make her look "beautiful." I admit that this was not the best way to portray that, but I didn't know how else to express it
Hope I helped!
DarkHeart
Yeah it makes more sense now.
Thank you for taking the time to explain.
~BSF
This isn't really a haiku.
Thanks for pointing that out! I meant senryu :]
Hey there DarkHeart. Catherin here to review your work. Your poem was short and nice, but i really wanted to read more, just in my point of view. And i really didnt understand the connection between the first two and the last line. Maybe because i didnt understand it but i still think it could have been more in content to really take the reader into that world. I think you have a great potential so keep writing. I hope to read many amazing works of yours.
The last line relates to something I heard a while back about people losing themselves when they succumb to certain falsities. I didn't think there was a need to draw the simple idea out into a long poem
just my opinion. Thanks for commenting!