The One I love the Most

Heyo..!! So I'm going to be frank and open in saying...WOW!!!! I love your poem..it's so good...I love the 3rd and 4th stazna..they're my favorites... I love the way you've ended it...I would point out errors and suggestion...but I see that's already been taken care off... Seriously awesome!!
Great work!!
Harshita:)

Hello there! I wanna start by saying that I really loved this. My comments and suggestions are as follows.

Your fingers trace the scar;
the secret I held buried deep.
The memories of a time
when my life was nothing.
All held in darkness.
Drowning deep in the sorrow.

Your lips press against mine.I love the imagery, but it's kind of a cliche. We hear it a lot. Given everything else you've written, I know for a fact that you could play with this and make it a billion times better.
You whisper the words
that I treasure;Semicolon not needed. Make it a period. For gammitcal purposes.
The ones I hold,
above all others.

When?, I wonder,
did you become
the one I love the most?
Where did the line
begin to blur?
How did you,
someone so joyful(add a comma) How about a word other than joyful? Maybe...paradisical?
fall for someone
Such aslike me
Whose drowningwhy not try a more expressive word here? Maybe like, asphyxiating?
in their own mistake?

But as your hands
intertwine with my own(add a period) the imagery was amazing.
All I can say
is that this line--
the line I saved
for you; and only you:
"I love you".
Your light gave me hope.
Your desire lit my soul.
Illuminating me, brightly I don't think that "brightly" is nessecary. If the light is illuminating you...it's going to be breight either way.
in my darkest hours It sounds better without the "s".

With you here
I shall never fall
I shall live on
I shall breathe
I shall become free

With you gone
I shall break
I shall shatter
And become nothing once more

Please,
my love,I think this will help the flow of the poem.
my whole heart,
Do not leave.
Do not push away.
I love you.
Can't you see it?
Can't you feel it? I think you should pick one of these to keep and one to get rid of. Refer back to my pervious statement about keeping your reader..well...reading.
When I hold you?
Can you taste my tears--
As I open the scar
With a blade of steelI think you should try something more creative. For instance, "With the blade of your love"...not that exactly but see what I mean?
The ruby red flows,
like a crimson river.

YouI think you should simply end the line here with a period and move on.
The one I loved the most
Will you hate me,
for giving up?
BecauseWhen you have passed on?
Hold me tight
And speak the words I didn't understand these point in these lines. It flows better without them.
I will follow you.
All the wayInto Heaven
or into Hell
To have only you,
In my arms. and heart.

my impression:

Long and rambly. Cliche and over sentimental. It's almost completely devoid of sensory detail, this poem is emotion in a vacuum.

Here's the thing. Emotion cannot exist in a vacuum. It doesn't. I want you to try again. Same emotional core, but hide it behind THINGS, details, address the reader, talk ABOUT this person, what do they do, what do they say? How did they leave? This poem takes itself too seriously and needs a reality check.

hope this helps

best,

I love this.
I particularly love the third stanza. I'm not a fan of poems, but this is one I will remember. Great work!

I feel like this poem is broken up by lines too much. I'm not a fan of the format but the poem has greatness behind it. Keep up the good work!

I love this sis. There's nothing about this I would change. And I know for a fact "the one you love the most" would love this too. Keep up the good job. Keep writing!!

This is just a poem I thought of I posted it after I written it down; I will work on editing that part...I am tired so I was trying to get it down before I forgot it. Thanks for the suggestion, I will think on that. I shall work to improve this once I feel better. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3

Hi
A title could be" the one i love the most".
I like this poem its deep, dramatic, metaphoric but also a bit cliche. As much as i liked the structure of those lines about" you gave me light" etc i've heard it all before. Try and think of what your experiences mean without falling back on formulaic cliches this will make your writing unique and special! Don't just refer to something like light loosely and you will improve. I did like this poem though so keep up the good work and keep writing to improve