Cracked Mask

Hi there Soul! 8D

Okay, I'm going to try to give you a good review here. xD

In the first stanza you forgot an apostrophe. And I think there's a typo in the third one. If I were you I'd re-read it carefully to edit it, it has some silly errors. xD No biggie. But talking 'bout the writing, it's great. You put a lot emotion into it, and it's pretty simple, so easy to understand. Almost brought tears to my eyes, since I know you as something more than just a writer. I really like it. Great job! ^_^

~Solvy-Imouto(=

I love this poem too much critique it! I love the main idea behind it and the way you've presented it. Rhymes are fine. The title was the thing that really pulled me in.
It's fantastic!
<3 Angel

Soulkana wrote:The secrets behind me.
A my- seems to hold the continuity bettertight smile and warm eyes,
No one knows what I hide- could work here. See the secrets is like repeated, right?the secrets.
I smile and laugh,
Its so easy now.I'm not certain a full stop works here, but punctuation is my weakness, so I shouldn't comment:D
To fake the truth.

My hands shake,
my mind in disarray.
But each day and always,this also gives a redundancy effect, unless it's what you wanted- each day and always isn't very different in meaning
I push on the mask.put on sounds better

I grin and pretend.
While each day,
My heart cracks
More and more.I like these 4 lines.

Such fools you all are.The structure here is odd
Can't care enough to see,
The real me. The hurt me.
My eyes gaze down at you.
But all you see it is, typing error I guessmy mask.
You laugh and move on,
without a single care.This para was well expressed, I can picture it.

........But you just ignore them,
You do not see them.Don't repeat them here, as it's in the last sentence


...........Too uncaring to care I'm lying.replace the word uncaring with a synonym as you use the word care right here
Heart breaking I wait.
Wait for you and only you.

Its only them.
The ones who ignore.
The ones to obsessed,who obsess or too obsessed- this statement seemed to feel structurally wrong.
With the drama of their own.

Soon you're gone again.
The cycle begins again.
Only this time I'm now free,
The mask now in place.
..........I'm back and ready.

I like the ending, and also how you intricately describe the situation within the feelings. Hope you don't mind, but if you ever need to talk to someone and know that she won't tell, you can PM me. If this is your life, you know. If i come online I'll reply I like your writing style, rhythm and all. Hope my review helps. Best of luck with your future work:D

I always hate critiquing poems that have such sorrowful emotions behind them, but once again, off I go on my critique:

First of all, I think that the poem could do with a little cropping. It's a very long poem that could very easily be made into a much shorter poem, due to the fact that many of the emotions could be lumped together. I realize that each stanza technically expresses different things, but in light of the entire poem, they become slightly repetitive.

Secondly, I would suggest that in the future, you take more time going over your poems and pin-pointing different and more creative ways to say the things you have written. Perhaps it is just my personal preference, but I believe that poems are much more engaging when they have beautiful or shocking or unusual imagery in place of simple English phrases. For example, instead of writing "my mind in a giant mess," you might want to think of something interesting that is also very messy, and compare your mind to that. Is it a giant mess like a den of cannibals, with limbs and organs strewn about? No, perhaps that is a bit too gruesome. Is it a giant mess like a silver platter of compost, with half-eaten corncobs and rotten tomatoes and soggy spinach leaves falling all over each other? I would suggest exploring things like this for other phrases, such as "my heart cracks," "tears trickle down my cheeks," and "my heart jumps in joy."

Finally, if these are your own sentiments, or those of someone you know, I would just like to give you (or them) some encouragement. Sometimes things can feel achingly lonely, especially when you are in pain or confused or even just irritated, and have no one to talk to who will listen the way you need them to listen. The people you need flicker in and out of your life, but what you are feeling and thinking doesn't always like to move in synch with the times those people are around. But Jesus is always always always around, whether you like it or not, whether you believe in Him or not. Your not believing in him doesn't make Him not real. I kid you not, Jesus is literally my best friend. I think that when all my friends scampered off to college, He used that opportunity to say, "Hey, lilchoma, remember me? We used to talk all the time, but you kind of forgot about me, because you were too busy depending on your friends to alleviate your problems." I still feel lonely sometimes, because there's a part of me that desperately wants a physical being, someone who can give me a big hug. But I know I know I know that Jesus is enough. And even though he is enough, he doesn't keep me all to himself. He still gives me friends to talk to, and family, and every once in a while allows something fortuitous to happen that gives me a tiny little leap of joy. Be encouraged, Soulkana (or an acquaintance of Soulkana) :)

Hi! Here to review!!!

A tight smile and warm eyes,
No one knows the secrets.

The secrets behind me.

Its so easy now.
To fake the truth.

my mind in a giant mess.