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142,240 Literary Works • 677,070 Reviews
To be honest this is a very sweet piece. The other thing is that this is really mushy, grammatically I think it was fine. I can tell that a lot of your heart went into this. Your word choices weren't as colorful as they could be, a picture to be painted in one's head really makes a poem. Otherwise this is better than what I could do.
Hi, Soul! I'm Indie, and I'll be reviewing this poem you have here.
This is sweet. Very sweet indeed! But the only thing that places it under a "poetry" category is the format. This is basically just prose sentences, broken up by clauses. Which is fine, but I understand this must be special to you, and so you might consider adding in some special aspects to it.
Imagery: You have used none. What's a poem without imagery? That's right, broken up prose! You could go with maybe an overarching metaphor that connects the whole thing to one theme. Or, since this seems to have a sort of chronological order to it, you could use several related symbolisms that are relevant. A suggestion - since the narrator's relationship began with a "game", you could reference it in a way that lines up with that. Maybe that your love was not a game - or that it you two were on the same team, etc. Try something unconventional.
Your last stanza is very dull. I understand being in love with someone, wishing that things would always be that way - that's all very normal, and that's your problem here. That's wonderful that the narrator feels this way, but what separates it from every other couple in love out there? What's so different about you two? What about her makes you want to spend the rest of your life with her? What drew you to her in the first place?
Best wishes,
~Indie.
Awww, this is quite an adorable poem. The fact that you took out the time to write a poem and mark this special occasion shows how much she means to you. I wish you and your girlfriend a lifetime of happiness!
Keep writing!
I really enjoyed this poem, I can tell how much the person means to you
Wow:) that is so sweet! Congrats to you guys.