My bones are aching and gravity is pulling me down Can trees think I know I can my heart is beating so loud can you hear it in Colorado can you see the stars from where you are eternal darkness I am not half a person now the blood is running through my tiny veins and electric signals are causing my heart to contract you are my serotonin
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I like the idea of the poem a lot. but only question i have is did you mean to make it in paragraph form and unstructured like most poems? was there a reason? I enjoyed your word choice and description it helped paint the picture you wanted the reader to see i believe. Although i think that it be better with punctuation and breaks to have the structure would make our poem all the better over all good job and keep writing
SecreteJournalist here to review!
I do like the idea of is poem, but I'll show you what it would look like if you add structure to it.
I would of broke this down to even more stanzas and added punctuation, but I need to understand it first. Some things don't make sense.
This makes no sense to me.
You may to elaborate on your more on your ideas.
Until then, there's not much left for me to say in this.
A slice of praise though, I did like the way you word some things. This poem is a bit of a fixer-upper, but when done, it should be amazing!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hey! XD
I think the formatting has gone dodgy in this piece, because there is no spacing. So I won't pick on that don't worry.
I like what you've written here. I am going to do a line by line analysis:
My bones are aching and gravity is pulling me down
Can trees think I know I can my heart is beating so loud can you hear it in
Colorado can you see the stars from where you are eternal darkness
I am not half a person now the blood is running through my tiny veins
and electric signals are causing my heart to contract you are my serotonine
I have broken the lines where I think it makes sense, but it's probably wrong. XD
So the first line is very dramatic.
The second one is a rhetorical question in a fashion and makes me think.
The next line is a great metaphor kind of thing. Although, it does sound quite melodramatic.
Somehow the reference to body imagery seems kind of right for this piece in a way that I can't explain.
And in the last line, you spelled serotonin wrong.
I liked this piece.
Good job. XD
Hello thank you for that review
) Actually I did the spacing think on purpose i think it shows how messy the thoughts are and how it's not a classic poem! Ooops, I'll correct my typo thanks for pointing out! <3
Ohhh. XD LOL Fair enough.