There was this guy I got to know
at some mystique circus show.
Down the alley ,by the river
I've witnessed magic that made me shiver.
For I have seen him drown long ago,
after,so I thought, his last show.
But once again,he reappeared
and gave me this feeling, it was kind of weird.
For the dead's lips aren't cold,
and their hearts are made of gold.
But there's a catch to every love
and this one you can't get rid of
We would never be free
For his soul belonged to death
and so did he.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hi there, stor here to review for Paint the roses red. This is a very nice piece, I'm glad you took my advice and posted it. The last part was my favourite.
We would never be free
For his soul belonged to death
And so did he.
And though he's not a ghost or vampire or zombie or something (as AEChronicle said) I think so he is reborn or something, ready to pay back for his murder.
Anyway this is a very nice piece.
Keep writing.
Storybraniac
This is great.
I like the sort of mystical, whimsical feel to it. You did a good job of talking about something interesting, rather than just repeating what so many others have written, so that's a plus for sure.
"We would never be free
For his soul belonged to death
and so did he."
This part is great, as you mention earlier on that you thought you had seen him die, but now he's back alive, and yet, he's not. Zombie? Vampire? Guess it doesn't matter in the end,
"But there's a catch to every love
and this one you can't get rid of"
Thank you sophiewrites!
Hey
Thank you very much for your review! I really tried to get that mystical feeling across!
Hello, Holmes here for reviewing. I enjoyed this poem but there seemed to be something off with it, it had a good start, but then it oddly and quickly took a dark and sudden turn. I felt that in order for this to work, it needed to be longer. Also through out the first half or so of the poem it rhymed, but then toward the end, it stopped. Rhyming isn't something that comes and goes, it should be consistent. But asides from that a very well written poem, maybe should have been longer, but all in all a good poem.
Thanks for the review!
Hi there.
This is a really nice poem. I liked almost everything about it =)
There's something about these lines that I love. They're just really pretty. And I don't know, I really like them!
I don't really have much to say grammar-wise. I think that there might be some error in your punctuation. Like, let's look at these lines:
There should be a space after the comma, before the word "by." Right now it's too bunched up and I don't know if you did this intentionally or not. If you did, then ignore me. If you didn't, then try taking some time going through every lines and checking for this. When finding them, give them some space. Like rewrite them as:
"Down the alley, by the river
I've witnessed magic that made me shiver."
Do you see what I mean? I hope you do. Just look between my suggested revision and your current lines, and I think you'll see then. There were other lines like this--try revising them. If you did it intentionally or don't want to revise, that's cool too =P
Anyway, I liked this a lot. Maybe too much. Can't wait to see more!
First off thanks for reviewing!
Ah yes, yws tends to mess up my format... I changed it!
Thanks so much means a lot, stay tuned!
-sophiewrites