They all go off about how you are the reason,
storms are named after people.
But a storm, my dear, is passing by.
You are like water in my lungs,
cancer spreading across every inch
of the body, you used to kiss.
One can fix a house after a tornado,
but there's no cure for your consumption.
You are alive in me.
You are my oncogene.
You are the voice telling me,
the therapy hasn't taken any effect.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hello!
. Also, on the tornado line, I wouldn't start it with "you" since every other verse doesn't. It's just a little parallel structure issue. Totally optional!
Okay, let me say this- this poem gave me chills!! I love how you personified cancer as a destructive relationship; it's a really unique take that I haven't heard before. It took away my breath.
The only thing I really see is that I don't think you need the comma on the second to last line or in the end of the second stanza ("… of the body, you used to kiss "). That's just my opinion, though
But okay I really really do love this poem, and to me it captures the emptiness of cancer and of unrequited love. Keep up the phenomenal work!
- verymaryanna
hellohelT
Thank you very much I am flattered :>
I changed it! I like it better now, just flows better.
This is a really powerful poem. I feel that it really captures the worst thing about cancer: that it feels like something inside of you rather than an invading foreign entity.
I would, however, try to re-word the line: "You can fix a house after a tornado," so that it didn't use the word 'you', or at least didn't start with it. This is because every other use of the word in the poem refers directly to the personification of cancer, and in this instance it seems like you're using it to mean something more like: "One can fix a house after a tornado." It just confused me for a second on the first reading, and I think you could probably find a different wording.
Also, I personally feel that the poem would read better if you replaced 'oncogene' with just the standard 'cancer' or something else, but feel free to completely ignore me in this regard. The poem is clearly very personal to you, so if it has more meaning for you the way it is, then that's the way it should be.
Can't wait to read more of your stuff!
Hello!!! Thank you for your review!
You are completely right with the One thing, I shall change it. I just love yws because I can never spot these things on my own.
Yeah it has a lot of personal meaning and I guess everyone knows someone who suffers from cancer in a distant way (sadly)
Thank you so much again eheheh