I can't tell if we were ever real.
Time is just a human concept,
And I feel so very lost staring at these lights,
When it's raining all around.
How do I know I am not in a Coma?
Wake up, Wake up
Wake up, Wake up
I've been in bed for days.
You once said, our lives are drawn by fate,
But I am not a creature of God's hands,
For I believe in nothing.
All the power is held by you.
Wake up, Wake up
Wake up, Wake up
But you decided to pull the plug.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Timmy is here for a review!
You have reviewed so many of my pieces, and I haven't reviewed a single one of yours. I feel bad.
Nitpicks
These lines confused me. You feel so lost, because its raining all around? That is the message I got when reading it...
So what is the reason for being lost? What are your feelings, your pain? Remember that, even though you do tell us later in the poem, you need to feed us relevant information throughout, not telling us what your poem is about in one line. Give it to us gradually, but constant.
Now I am not completely certain about this, but are you even awake during a coma? Can you see? In the previous lines you mention that you feel lost staring at these lights, when its raining all around. Maybe raining all around inside your mind?
The title implies that this person you are speaking of is the one that has been asleep, or is asleep. So it is slightly confusing to see that you are in bed for days... Seems like it should be that they have been in bed for days.
You missed stating something powerful there. Just slightly skipped it by. The second line hints to that message, but never completely states it.
What I am saying is this: You do believe in something. You believe in this person, that he/she will come out of this.... this nothingness.
Comments and whatnot on poem
So this was a really neat poem that told an amazing story behind the lines. To me, it wove a story of someone who was on the brink, and finally committed suicide. You were there, trying to wake them from the sleeping that they had dropped into. But you couldn't do it. The only thing you could do was repeat, over and over, Wake up
My favorite part of the poem...
I love that line, because you said drawn by fate. That was so neat. It gave me the impression of an artist, drawing out life and fate, what it was going to be. Beautiful visual.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi! Great poem.
First off, I don't see the need for the capitalized 'C' in 'coma'. While I see it is an important part in the poem, it is a common noun, not a proper one, thus meaning no capitalization is necessary.
Also, I don't really believe that the repetition of the sentence 'Wake up' is a smart choice. Maybe twice would be okay, but I feel like four is pushing it, almost adding a tiny bit of boring into the poem.
Third, i'd like to suggest that you lighten up the use of the periods and add a few more commas, or nothing at all. With all those periods the flow of the poem seems very cut off, and you don't want that.
Finally, I feel that you should add a bit to the last stanza, because it is quite an abrupt ending and I like a bit lengthy poems.
Keep writing,
Fade <3
Hello!
Sarai to review!
Mmkay,
It seems this poem is either about suicide, or losing a romantic interest/partner. Either way, I really liked it. It flows nicely and is a good poem. Kudos to you! Your definitely getting my like and a new follower! I think mayhap you could put a period at the end of each wake up line, just a recommendation for punctuation!
That's about it!
Keep writing,
Sarai.
P.S. You look pretty