I have trouble writing this;
my mind is wandering off
and I am intoxicated by you,
or is it the whiskey?
I tried everything to find you.
I read the papers
and listened to whispers on the street
But no soul knew your name.
It feels like I am going insane
for whenever I wake up,
your breath still lingers on my neck
but it's been ages since you took your last.
They say time heals all wounds
but my soul died by your side.
So my only chance is to forget,
but you're the only thing on my mind.
My mind is wandering off
and I am intoxicated by you.
The whiskey only helped me speak
my sober mind to you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I'm taken. You really show yourself in this. It lets me see who you are just from a poem. That's really something. I myself have felt these same feelings, had these same thoughts. I can view myself in this poem. I can imagine me writing these things, and it fits. It's relatable, disregarding the whiskey. The one thing I could say, as merely a suggestion, is to add some positivity in this. Find the bright side, see the benefits, what has helped you maybe.
Hey there, Soph!
Yet again, you have written a lovely poem.
I added a semi-colon to your first line and a comma to your third. Remember, punctuation has a huge effect on a poem, almost as much as the words you actually use. I like how you've used "intoxicated" to refer to being in love with someone, but then doubt yourself by mentioned the alcohol; where people also refer to being "intoxicated" as having too much to drink. Clever use of words, I say. Is there any particular reason you chose whiskey? Maybe because it's a strong drink, maybe because it's commonly seen as the drink of choice for self soothing?
The comma on the first line is in blue because it's what you originally had, but I think it should either be a full stop or a semi-colon, you choose which one. I also think that you could do with a full stop at the end of your third line, a semi colon would suffice though, if you want.
The first line sounds a little awkward because "name" and "insane" rhymes, and you haven't been using a rhyming scheme. Maybe use another word that has the same meaning? Senseless might be a good one, considering that when you become "intoxicated" you essentially lose your sense. As for the last line, do you mean that it was his last breath? That's the impression I got, but I just wanted to make sure.
There's no point in quoting the fourth stanza, because I can't see anything wrong with it.
I like this stanza. It's a good stanza to end on. The only thing I would suggest is adding "to you" at the end of the last line. I think it ties in well with the "by you" in the second line.
Overall, this was a really good poem; I enjoyed it. Your only improvements are punctuation, really. Other that that, I think you did a tremendous job.
Well done and good luck with future writing.
Happy YWSing,
-Clarity
ahhh hello Clarity!
Thanks so much for the punctuation correction, I just wrote this and felt the urge to publish it right away and I am so tried so I guess that's why it was kind of messed up!
Other than that, I am glad you liked it!
No problem!