Gravity was dragging me down,
An invisible force pulling my strings,
Or was it your crooked smile that
Made me fill my lungs with fire
And puke my guts out as
you just shrugged good bye?
Ignore my calls, go look away.
I'll be screaming your name,
to get my voice back in your head.
It's 4 am and I'm looking for a god,
between the cracks if sidewalks,
And mercy from your judgement.
For I am you, at least I think.
For who am I, another drink.
For you our love was just another blink.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
This is my kind of poem. The first couple of lines in your poem made my heart ache with previous pains. Your short description sure is correct. The entire poem as a whole speaks to anyone who has had their heart broken. The line about filling your lungs with fire speaks to me personally. The ache that you feel when you loose someone is all too real for most anyone. The first paragraph and the last two are my favorite. I think the second one lacks a little something, I'm just not sure what it is. Without that, or re-written, I think it could be even more amazing.
Hello. This was a very great poem...
Review!
Alright so I didn't really see any nitpicks, but it was a really, really, really, really, really, really, amazing poem.
Alright so let's just say it was one of the best poems ever and I like a lot of poems! XD!
ALright my favorite part was the ending.
This spoiler thing is new for me so if I mess up on it sorry.
Spoiler
Alright so that's about all.
Keep up the good writing,
Love,
Dogsrule5
Thank you very much for the kind review!
No problem.
I think your poem is well written, starting off very slow in the beginning then ending with a slap in the face! Baja, here's my review:
The ending of your poem, the very last stanza, struck me the most. I'm not much of a fan if poems that rhyme but I must say, this is very superbly done. Since I just got out of a relationship myself, I can relate to this so much. The feeling of being left behind/forgotten or just being wanted all together is a hideous emotion.
Your opening line really caught my attention: "Gravity was dragging me down..."
I have a pretty active imagination so what came into my head immediately was an image of a slave or a hsmi depressed and oppressed person carrying loads of troubles on their neck and on iron balls chained totheir ankles. See, very active imagination. But as your poem continued, I loved how you sort of take a different course and direct the question to the "culprit" (for the lack of a better word). "Was it your crooked smile...?"
Seems like a wicked depiction of a very heartless person just with the mention of a smile.
I also noticed that you didn't capitalize the "G" in "God" (I'm not sure if it was a spelling error but it just plays in more with the poem because it lowers the value of God and somewhat makes it more plausible to dismiss the idea of ever finding a god in the sidewalk). The incorporation of a religious aspect was perfect because I found myself questioning the presence of any God during my breakups.
I'm a very detailed reader but I personally enjoyed reading this poem. It made me feel like I'm not alone in moments like this. Keep writing!
Thanks very much! I spelt it that way on purpose, you totally guessed it!