Existence

I love this poem.

The symbolism you use is so beautiful and it really explains your point well, while giving the poem a sort of, mysterious, yet heart warming affect.

"I want to tear my lungs to feel breathless again."

This was probably the most amazing line in any poem I have ever read, honestly. I was blown away by the brilliance of it. Not only does it makes sense in a physical way-no lungs=you can't breath-but I find myself thinking of many other ways that it can apply to life, the foremost being; we talk to much. Sometimes, I think the biggest part of living a fulfilling life is to shut up and listen to the world around.

Such an amazing idea.

Like I said, I was blown away by this poem, and it was definitely worth the read.

Thank you Sophiewrites!

Hi Sophie!
Your poem was beautiful and teeming with incredibly, and powerfully raw emotion. So much imagery! From the line
"I want to cut off my hair and paint a picture of you on the house of my thoughts."
to
"I want to tear my lungs to feel breathless again"
... truly inspired.

And i admire the way that you closed the poem:
"I want to live, rather than exist."

Very thought provoking.. it makes the reader question his or her own life. Overall just an excellent job. Keep up the wonderful work! I look forward to reading much much more from you.
Love,
wallflower16

Hey!

You focus on some interesting thoughts related to the idea of 'Existence' here, which seems really relevant to you as a person.
'the house of my thoughts' I thought, seemed to be a really interesting way of categorising the brain. It's unique and I've never seen it phrased like this before. The originality impressed me.
There is definitely hope in this piece: 'warmth I thought I lost.' this really captures the mind over matter aspect of being alive and people thinking things that can be quite the opposite of what exists.
Living rather than existing are great comparisons here and the language you use summarises the battle for a meaningful life we can all face.
Although this work is really short it could be lengthened, I feel. But it works in the four lines that exist.
Great job.
Kudos.

~BSF

Hello Sohpiewrites! I'm Niraco here to review your little poem which has made the spotlight - very well done!

I have semi-mixed feelings of this poem. I do enjoy it but not to a full extent. I feel that the first line is rather long and bombards the readers at first glance. At times this usage of a long sentence can be rather useful but it always puts myself off when reading a poem that has such a long sentence:

I want to cut off my hair and paint a picture of you on the house of my thoughts.

house of my thoughts.

I want to live, rather than exist.

You make quite good use of sensory imagery! In order for this to be a masterpiece, I would suggest making it parallel. (I mean parallel voice with hearing, speaking with tasting, etc. etc.).
A little grammatical blip is in the second half of the first line.
"paint a picture of you on the house of my thoughts."
Here, the error is in using too many prepositional phrases! (of you...on the...of my). This often makes it a little bit more difficult for the reader to follow along with your poem. Too many prepositional phrases kind of halts your poem. Try condensing the line to make it more fluid!

In the second line of your poem, instead of "take off" why not amp it up a bit and replace that with "peel off". When writing, you want to use words that not only make sense, but are the perfect fit. I had some trouble understanding this, but ultimately it means that there are millions of words that have the same definition, but there is only /one/ out there that can convey the exact feeling you want the reader to experience. Try building on your vocabulary, as a writer, you won't regret it!

The third line is a little bit peculiar; I wouldn't have expected the correlation between the heart (usually a symbol for feelings) and actions. You explained it quite nicely (and effortlessly, may I add!)

Absolutely love love love the fourth line.

The fifth line, I have heard repetitively. Not in literature necessarily, but it is a well known phrase. While other people may not have a problem with this, my opinion says otherwise. I think writing should be absolutely original. You don't want to use something overused, because I think it devalues the art behind it. Get what I mean? While you do get your point across, and this last line ties your whole poem together, I would consider leaving the audience with a metaphor. Metaphors do amazing little miracles. Let the audience ponder. Make symbolism to portray life. What IS life? What can BE life? And then, what IS existence?

Lovely poem. Keep writing!
-Sbitonti

Bonjour! I don't speak French. ._.

Anyways, I'm Cella, and I. Love. This.

I had to think a little on the first line, but I just woke up (I overslept till around 3 PM) and my brain isn't at it's comprehension peak right now. x3 All in all I would describe this poem as excellent... Like I said before, my brain isn't the best right now so please excuse me ^-^ I like the last line because it pretty much sums up the poem (and my life, which is always nice ).

And welcome to YWS!!
And happy New Years!!

~ Cella <3

Hey Sophie, Ravenboy here to review but look at those comments and reviews and likes, flying off like birds into the horizon! Anyways, I will stop blabbering and get onto reviewing.

Well, first thing first. The tone and content of this poem really struck me, is extremely heart felt and like TimmyJake had said, you have a lot of potential nesting in that mind of yours. And you know, most young writers can't write a good lyrical poem. (I'm no exception either) but it seems that you've managed to pin it down exactly right.

I want to cut off my hair and paint a picture of you on the house of my thoughts.

I want to live, rather than exist.

I liked it. In fact I wanted to read more after reading the five lines. Keep going.

P.S : Existance Existence

Timmyjake to give you a review!!

This was wonderful. You have a lot of talent! I can never muster enough courage to post any poetry or lyrics. To tell you the truth, I am terrible at them. Poetry isn't my strong point... I wish I had your talent for it!

I want to take off my skin, Feel the source of the warmth I thought I lost.

I want to hold my heart, and hear it complain, just to understand my actions.

I love it! I think your poem is different and unique in every way possible, you made me feel exactly what you were writing, and you made me think,and your poem painted a picture in my mind of what exactly was going on. This poem shows that the way you think as a writer is smart, original and simply brilliant, I enjoyed this poem very much, but I did also think that it could have been a bit longer just to round it off fully, maybe 4 more lines, and then the conclusion of the poem! Thank you for sharing,keep writing!

I think this is quite brilliant.
Very well thought and incredibly well written.
I can feel the emotions through it, even though it's a small work.
Very well done! Keep writing!

Hi, I'm Nightwolf.
Welcome to YWS!

I love the simplicity of this little poem. It has a very beautiful meaning, portrayed in the final line:
"I want to live, rather than exist."

The repetition of the structure of the first three lines are very cleverly thought-out. I have only one nitpick with them.
The second line:
"I want to take off my skin, Feel the source of the warmth I thought I lost. "
I don't think you need a capital F. I think it might fit with the first and third line better if you put:
"I want to take off my skin and feel the source of the warmth I thought I lost."

Your ideas are brilliant.
Well done!

I want to see more of this amazing writing, so keep it up!
Nightwolf.