I've thought this all out in my head,
For I couldn’t sleep ever since you left.
I am never gonna leave you again, not now nor ever.
Yeah right. You didn’t even leave a note.
Yet your words are haunting every corner of my brain;
My cells are feeding on your memory.
It feels like they’re starving, or was it really you walking by today?
Please get out of my head, I am trying so hard to stay alive.
I’ve already lost you and I’m clutching to my sanity,
Take my heart but leave the rest of me.
(Big shout-out to BlackNether12 and PenAndSword for helping me touch up on this, thank you guys!)
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140,878 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
The descriptions are very vivid and makes it easier to connect with the writing. I like your use of metaphors and I think you paint the picture quite well! Maybe if you could somehow make the words flow a little more, seeing as it is poetry. Read it out loud to yourself a couple times and see if you're able to change anything that will help it to flow more. Otherwise, this was great!
The poem is really touching and so sweet.
The feel of the poem is really nice, it carries that feel till the last line.
In the line "I couldn’t just can’t see anything through this fog of rain." you could have used "I just couldn't see anything through this for of rain"
In the first line i suggest you could just rearrange the words..like " i have thought out all this in my head" that sounds better
Keep up the good work and keep writing..
Cheers..
Abhi
Thank you for your review!
Ahh very good. Many can relate. We all won't relate exactly to the girl in the story. We all have out own stories.I love the way she tells it. The sense of imagery! Fantastic. Honestly, you nailed it! kept me reading the entire time!(: Keep good work young writer!
Thank you so much means a lot <3
Hi here for a review!
So I really enjoy the idea behind the piece. Its very well thought out.
One thing I don't understand is the part:
"It feels like they're starving"
I can't really tell who 'they' is. Is it the daisy? Because if so there's only one. It's important to be clear in what you're referring to, especially in a poem, which has even less words than a normal story. A poem requires enough to let the reader understand what is going on, but still be able to comprehend the hidden messages and metaphors hidden inside a work.
The second concern I have is:
"I couldn't just can't see anything through this fog of rain."
You'll need to decide which one of those to use, preferably the past tense 'couldn't' because the whole of the poem is in past tense. The line would be clear if you made sure that there was one verb alone with the subject.
My final concern is this part:
"take my heart but leave the rest of me."
I feel as though this last part should be capitalized. Because the rest of the beginning words are capitalized, you should keep with your pattern. Humans naturally like patterns, and it also looks a bit more professional.
Great poem and very beautiful imagery!
Thank you so much for your review with starving I meant the cells as the lover used to be their sunlight and thsu nutrition!