The beautiful outdoors, up in the blue sky. The branches swaying in the breeze, dancing. The space was peaceful, it was a retreat from life itself. Without siblings or parents. The duties were elsewhere and the work gone, frowned upon. It wasn't inside, with the dreary dim lights, but up in the clouds. I could hear bird calls, as if whistling. A place to read. A place to rest. A place to dream. The place all to myself and the squirrels.
The earth under where I sprawl, though the only problem is when I fall.
A/N, this was an assignment based off of the poem "A House of my Own." Though of course, I made it my own and didn't even write about a house. But the format is very similar.
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hey! Cello here for a quick review! Happy review day!
Okay, I know this assignment was due and turned in long ago but it's always good to improve.
I honestly only have one suggestion- present tense.
I know exactly where you're talking about here and I know it's not a 'past place to visit' (You still climb the tree occasionally if I'm correct.)
It's really quite a simple fix. 'is peaceful' 'it is a retreat' That's all I'm suggesting. Making things more current helps the reader tie themselves into the writing if that makes any sense. Of course, you have past tense throughout the whole thing, this was just an example, so it you decide to change it, be consistent.
I really liked this though. You used truly beautiful imagery along with elegant language to make a perfect piece. Keep up the great work!
-ChocolateCello
Such a peaceful poem. I envisioned a little cottage in a forest. I envisioned looking up at the blue sky with leaves framing it. Its so pretty. But also: parents shouldn't have a capital p there. Also, I kind of feel like "The beautiful outdoors, up in the blue sky." Does really fit. Its not a very attracting opening. Maybe more something along the lines of,
'The beautiful outdoors, the sun kissed leaves." Also, I felt a little confused when you said "up in the blue sky." What is up in the blue sky...?
Well, we were supposed to write about a special spot, and I was writing about sitting ON my tree. XD That's why I fall sometimes.
Such a peaceful poem. I envisioned a little cottage in a forest. I envisioned looking up at the blue sky with leaves framing it. Its so pretty. But also: parents shouldn't have a capital p there. Also, I kind of feel like "The beautiful outdoors, up in the blue sky." Does really fit. Its not a very attracting opening. Maybe more something along the lines of,
'The beautiful outdoors, the sun kissed leaves." Also, I felt a little confused when you said "up in the blue sky." What is up in the blue sky...?
Hello again!
I don't know the poem that you based this off of, so I'll review it like its own self.
"Parents" is capitalized and it shouldn't be.
The first and second "sentences" are fragments, and while I'm normally A-OK with fragments in poetry, starting the poem off with them made me feel like I was lost. the first sentence is missing a verb, and there are all sorts of lovely, descriptive verbs you could use there to make it even better than it is. For the second sentence, I would recommend just slipping an "are" in between "branches" and "swaying."
This fragment thing is also a bit of a problem with the last line. You could say something like, "I feel the earth under..."
Also, "where I sprawl" sounds very awkward. I would suggest saying something more natural like "I feel the earth on my arms" or at the very least "where I lie." I know that doesn't rhyme, but the rhyme you have is very forced and it takes away from the goodness of the poem that you have by ending with something weak. Always end strong. Also, I don't even like the second half of that sentence very much. Falling is so very cliche, and again it sounds like you just wrote it for the sake of the rhyme. I like that you aren't ending with the same sort of thing that most of you poem is made up of, but I think you should look for a stronger different way to end.
"It wasn't inside" is extremely redundant. You already established that you are outdoors with the third word. I suggest changing the sentence not to say "inside," so something like, "It wasn't the place with dreary, dim lights, but..."
As with your other poem, this didn't really create any new insights. It was basically just praising the outdoors. And let me tell you, there was an entire stylistic movement dedicated to that. So it has been done so many time before that this poem frankly bored me. I know you were trying to capture a feeling of being outside, but I couldn't feel it. You need more sensory details and poetic devices. More varied sentence lengths and structures. It was a very predictable poem. Don't be afraid to get a little crazy and experiment with style and subject!
I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions. Keep writing.
~fortis
Introduction:
Happy review day, fellow Zenith-er!
Just a warning: seeing as this is just a paragraph (although an excellent one, at that), I'm going to make this review short and sweet. Alright?
Alright!
Content: (By-Line)
This isn't the strongest opening. To really make the best of this beginning, although it's good, I'd try latching onto a specific feature of "the beautiful outdoors". Maybe the way the sun dances on a leaf or the way the dappled leaves come to rest on the ground. Either way, this could be stronger--and you're such a powerful writer, I have no doubt you can make it so.
I do love this comma. It really gives us, as readers, the effect of "swaying", as we pause for the soft comma and resume our mental reading.
This line is fairly generic, at least the first part of it. "Peaceful" can be replaced by a stronger word, like "serene" or even "calm".
That being said, this is a harsh transition. We've just gone from specific images to this sudden, broad view. Just like when photographers slowly adjust the focus point on a video, you have to (with your writing) adjust our proverbial focus point. Ease us into the transition.
"Parents" shouldn't be capitalized, although I suspect that's just a word processing error. This is a nice switch to how the setting relates to the internal life of the narrator, though. Excellent.
I like the cadence of this phrase. However, the final sentence seems forced to me. I'd suggest reviewing the transition from "dream" to "the place". It seems a bit clunky.
I realize this was an English assignment, and you were probably required to do this, but the rhyme here is off-putting and awkward. Not the biggest fan of this--however, it is a nice ending sentence.
Three Things to Think About:
1. Word choice. I know you're a gifted writer, but I want you to prove it to me over and over again. Something that I like to do is go back to my paragraph once I'm done and replace three "weaker" words (like peaceful) with more powerful ones, like "serene".
2. Focus on transitions. Some of the transitions between images here are awkward and sound forced. Remember what I said about slowly focusing your internal "lens" towards the next image? That'd be a great metaphor for you to remember as you write.
3. Practice makes perfect. Well, not really. No writer is "perfect", and no human is "perfect". But writing every day is guaranteed to make you better every day. Try it by participating in a project like NaNoWriMo--if you don't know what that is, google it! I think it'd interest you.
Sign-Off:
This was excellent, especially for a school assignment. I hope you'll stick around this time, fellow Whovian. We need more people like you.
As we say in my hometown--ALLONS-Y!
IronSpark
It was simple. But i like it.
When i read this, the picture of a hill with lots of big trees came to my mind.
Very peaceful.
It was as if you wrote this poem under the tree itself.
Keep writing!
Hey hey!
First things first, I see that this is your first piece on YWS , so congrats on that! I really hope that I can help you in anyway possible, so yeah how about I stop talking and review this poem!
Okay, so I would first like to say that you have an amazing sense to detail. This piece is very detailed in the fact that you are describing a tree in more than a physical way, which I find really cool and interesting. I
I really want to focus on the "A place..." lines. So, let's start!
"A place to read." Okay, I'm guilty of this. I love reading under a tree, not only is it perfect for shade, but also for the peaceful aspect. I think that reading under a tree is a cute and great idea. So, I really like how this adds to the poem.
"A place to rest." Okay, hammocks are a blessing in themselves, but trees are what makes it all happen. Laying under a tree on a summers day, and being able to feel the breeze go through my hair is very relaxing and peaceful.
"A place to dream." This is one of my favorite lines in your whole poem. I like the dreaming aspect to your poem. I think that this adds a little more thought to it as well. Everyone dreams and I think that this just adds a little something that your poem would miss if you did not include this line.
This is not my greatest review ever... but it's really late and I am super tired! So, I hope you have learned something, or feel better about your poem in some way! If you ever need anything don't be afraid to ask. I loved your poem and the imagery you have painted with your words is indescribable!
Stay classy and write on!
-Annaclare