A/N: This is part two of a poem I've already written, so you might want to read that one first!
The anklet was painful,
The walls were all cold,
The food was disgusting
And all full of mold.
She decided to sleep
And hoped it’d be quick,
So she closed her eyes
And the darkness was thick.
She started to dream
About the world out there,
And the moon that was shining
now far elsewhere.
She knew what was coming,
Though she didn’t care,
So she shut out the sounds
And was told to prepare.
What does one think
When they know they will die,
Do they think of their sins
During their last goodbye?
Therefore she thought
Of the freight she had made
During her time as the devil,
the evil she’d portrayed.
Though maybe someday
The people wouldn’t forget
That one that had tried,
And wasn’t a threat.
Until then she would sit,
And hope for the moon,
That would come and brighten
The time of her doom.
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Royal here for a quick review!
Overall, this was an evocative poem with very simplistic rhymes. Personally, I'm a bigger fan of polysyllabic rhymes, but I do appreciate the shorter, choppier rhymes that lend themselves to a chaotic situation. Not a fan of capitalizing every line, but I like the pauses that they create in this piece. The ending was a little abrupt; I think it might need an extra syllable to help it match the rest of the poem. The one thing I have to say about content is this: I'm not sure why she's being told to prepare. Whether that's a reference to the last poem, I can't remember; it's been a few hours since I read that, but I just wasn't sure who was telling her to prepare, or for what, and whether that woke her from her dreamlike state, etc. Questions all over about that part, but otherwise this was simple, solid, and good!
Good job!
Hello again! Gymnast2801 here with another review!
As before, I will correct while reading and then leave my final thoughts at the end.
"So she shut out the sounds
And was told to prepare."
I'm sorry, but Thai doesn't make logical sense if she shut out all sound but yet she cousk hear someone tell her that it's time to prepare.
"When they know they will die,"
The comma should change to a question mark because this sentence should be ended.
That is all I have to say about anything that needs to be corrected! Again, love the way you write with poem and the theme! So wonderful! I also feel that we realize more about your character in this story and about why she is chained up and will never be free again.
Very nice job and keep writing! Keep up the great work!
-Gymnast2801 for Team Weasely.
Hello silverberry! DreamingForever here to review!
I want to start by saying i really liked this series. The poems are mysterious, yet satisfying. I like the concept of the girl in jail feeling connected to the moon. I honestly think that somehow humans are connected to the moon, as we find so much interest in it. I didnt notice any grammar mistakes, except in the twelveth line, you didnt start with a capitalized letter. Also, in the third line, you didnt have a comma on the end. There were a couple other grammar mistakes in there, but i didnt want to bug you listing all of them. I dont have any suggestions for word choice. I hope you continue this kind of idea.
Keep writing!
DreamingForever
Hi SilverBerry, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day and happy review day.
like this just as an example. You'd have to change it so that it fits into the rhythm. I'm just saying that the poem is not as good as the first, but it's still a great poem.Theme: The theme in this poem was basically the same as part one, which is great because it's the second part. I don't think this poem was a strong and emotional as the last one though. In the last poem you opened with some beautiful description with strong emotional words wrapped into the description. In this poem, it just feel like description. You did a lot of comparisons in the last poem's start and I think that's what's missing here. For example you could write this line
Description: The description is great, but could have a bit more emotion to it as I said above.
Grammar and Punctuation: Your grammar and punctuation like last time seems to be spot on.
Rhythm: Now for the rhythm. I think what's making the rhythm jerky for me in this poem is the amount of ands you put in. It just makes the flow a little less smooth.
Overall it was still a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.