z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Don't cry, my friend.

by SilverBerry


I wonder friend, why don’t you smile?

Why don’t you laugh with me at all?

What is it that troubles you?

What makes your spirit fall?


Is it not my job as your friend?

Why is it that you aren’t glad?

Is it not us against the hurricanes?

Is it the war that makes you you sad?


I will fight the battles for you,

It is my duty as your friend.

The tornados must blow outside,

the darkness won’t extend.


I will follow you into shadows,

into the abyss I will fly.

Perhaps my power won’t make you happy,

but for you I will try.


I will do it all for you to smile,

for you to dance and sing,

because you, my friend, are the reason,

that all my steps can spring.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 264
Reviews: 5

Donate
Wed Jan 06, 2016 2:51 am
mikaelalynn says...



love. love. LOVE this. i feel like many people could relate to this. it sounds like a strong friendship or maybe even a relationship you are talking about. it is all true that real friends would really stand by and do all the things you talked about in your poem. those friends are hard to come by, but this defiantly explains what they are like!




User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 264
Reviews: 5

Donate
Wed Jan 06, 2016 2:51 am
mikaelalynn wrote a review...



love. love. LOVE this. i feel like many people could relate to this. it sounds like a strong friendship or maybe even a relationship you are talking about. it is all true that real friends would really stand by and do all the things you talked about in your poem. those friends are hard to come by, but this defiantly explains what they are like!




User avatar
119 Reviews

Points: 4497
Reviews: 119

Donate
Tue Jan 05, 2016 3:07 am
InfiniteRectangles wrote a review...



Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!

First I have to say that I absolutely adore your writing style. It is so light-hearted and sweet! I can really relate to this poem as well, as I am usually the friend that people come to when they need some cheering up. Okay, rambling over, time to review!

I like how you wrote this from the point of view of the friend that is trying to cheer up the other friend, but I think it would be nice to add some of the other friend's story in there as well to give your readers an idea of why they are in the emotional state that they are in. I think it would strengthen your poem and make it have more of an impact on your readers.

Next, while I like simplistic writing styles, one major problem I see a lot is too much simplicity. You don't really elaborate much on why they are so willing to help their friend or what their "job" as a friend is. I think more elaboration would really help your poem establish that emotional feel you were aiming for.

Another thing I noticed is that there were some awkwardly stated lines in your poem. I like poems that rhyme, but only if they feel natural. There were some lines that seemed a bit forced, like you were just trying to keep a consistent rhyme scheme. My advice about this is that it is better to have a poem that flows naturally and doesn't rhyme than to have a poem that rhymes but feels awkward and forced.

"The tornados must blow outside,

the darkness won’t extend."

These lines were a bit awkward for me to read. I had to read them a couple of times before I understood what you meant. I suggest rewording them to make the meaning a bit more clear.

Overall, it was a lovely poem, but it was a bit too vague. Work on making your poems more descriptive and they will have much more of an impact on your readers. That is all I have for you. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night! ^-^




User avatar
7 Reviews

Points: 491
Reviews: 7

Donate
Tue Jan 05, 2016 1:20 am
Remy020 wrote a review...



Remy020 for a review!

The message sent is clear and the poem is easy to understand, as we have all been in the shoes of the depressed friend. I loved that. Also the moral of being a good friend and sticking up for others came across very well throughout the poem. I like this poem because it show how people should act towards their friends instead of how they act now. You should be willing to do anything for your friend and if your not then you are not a true friend.




User avatar
193 Reviews

Points: 575
Reviews: 193

Donate
Tue Jan 05, 2016 12:53 am
herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello, buddy! It's herby, here for a review!
So, to start off, I'd like to say that I really do like this poem. I think it captures the feeling of that loyal, adoring friend that sometimes comes out in ourselves and that we sometime see in others. It is very sweet and simple, and encompasses a beautiful well, the feeling of friendship.
However, while this is a beautiful feeling, I think you could have expressed it better. I'll go stanza by stanza with what could be changed. In the second stanza you never explain what your joob as a friend is, even though you reference this job. One can assume that the job is to care for the friend and make them happy, but you never explicitly mention that, which made that part kind of confusing. In the next poem the second sentence doesn't make much sense. I recommend replacing it with "Though the tornadoes must blow outside/To here the darkness won't extend." Also, the word is "tornadoes", not "tornados". Those are really the things that i think could be corrected to really help you out,.
Anyways, this is a really nice poem, and with a little work, it could be even better!
herby
p.s. your flow is off. WAY OFF.




User avatar
25 Reviews

Points: 342
Reviews: 25

Donate
Tue Jan 05, 2016 12:40 am
maverymadams wrote a review...



So beautiful! That describes my friendship with my best friend. Maybe add some different description of how you think your friend sees the friendship. But I love the way you said all the stuff you would do to help them and all you would go through to make them smile and happy.

I will do it all for you to smile,

for you to dance and sing,

because you, my friend, are the reason,

that all my steps can spring.

I love this but the last line maybe could be different. It doesn't make a whole of sense but it is still really good. Can't wait to read more from you.




blablabl92 says...


Thanks for the review, Mavery! I like your suggestion about the friend's point of view and of course I'm glad you liked my poem.
The last line of the poem is supposed to be conveying the figure of speech about "A spring in my step" that I believe is about giddy happiness. I did write it strangely though.



maverymadams says...


It was just confusing to me but I am not a big poetry person but I love this.




Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter