Perhaps

Hey,
Just dropping by for a quick review. Your poem was quite good. It evoked a lot of emotion, and for the most part it flowed nicely. It was a tad too structured for my taste, but still enjoyable. There's just a couple thinks I'd like to comment on.

First, maybe it's just me, but I think that if you changed 'does not' in the first line to 'doesn't' that entire stanza would flow so much better. Also, on a slightly unrelated note, that stanza reminded of the song Daniel Cowman by Regina Spektor (you should check it out).

Next, the second stanza is your weakest and I'd suggest taking another look at it. The main thing that bothered me was that you started the stanza by saying "I always thought" which seems like your setting the stage to describe how your thoughts have changed, but you never clarify what you think now. Also, this stanza seemed out of place amongst the other ones.

In the third stanza the word 'and' breaks up the flow of the first and second lines. I would consider removing that word, it makes everything flow so much more nicely.

In third and fourth lines of the fourth stanza you switch from present tense to past tense, which makes that stanza seem muddled and kinda messy.

I really enjoy the last stanza. I appreciate that you ended on a happier note, while still maintaining bittersweet undertones. Also, the lines "But then she couldn't remember, not even my name" reminded me of my grandfather who has Alzheimer's. Overall, nice poem! I think everyone can relate to the feeling of losing someone they love.

~ Summer

Hey,
Just dropping by for a quick review. Your poem was quite good. It evoked a lot of emotion, and for the most part it flowed nicely. It was a tad too structured for my taste, but still enjoyable. There's just a couple thinks I'd like to comment on.

First, maybe it's just me, but I think that if you changed 'does not' in the first line to 'doesn't' that entire stanza would flow so much better. Also, on a slightly unrelated note, that stanza reminded of the song Daniel Cowman by Regina Spektor (you should check it out).

Next, the second stanza is your weakest and I'd suggest taking another look at it. The main thing that bothered me was that you started the stanza by saying "I always thought" which seems like your setting the stage to describe how your thoughts have changed, but you never clarify what you think now. Also, this stanza seemed out of place amongst the other ones.

In the third stanza the word 'and' breaks up the flow of the first and second lines. I would consider removing that word, it makes everything flow so much more nicely.

In third and fourth lines of the fourth stanza you switch from present tense to past tense, which makes that stanza seem muddled and kinda messy.

I really enjoy the last stanza. I appreciate that you ended on a happier note, while still maintaining bittersweet undertones. Also, the lines "But then she couldn't remember, not even my name" reminded me of my grandfather who has Alzheimer's. Overall, nice poem! I think everyone can relate to the feeling of losing someone they love.

~ Summer

The theme of this is really sad. Seeing a loved one die is the most painful thing to experience. it was very beautiful and serene. the symbolisms are so emotional and the writing is so well put together. You're not alone in this, i had recently lost a loved one--my grandfather--last year and my family is still shaken up about it. I think he is in a better place and happy from not feeling any pain, anymore, as ifs the person you had lost.

However, some of the grammar is a little off and the commas seemed out of place. Also, there are a bit too many commas; you should tone it down on it. You might need to look over it and fix some things.

Anyways, I like the story, though, and wish to read more works.

I absolutely love the theme of this. About a recently deceased family member, right? I'm tearing up. Oh my God. This is really beautiful.

Just a few suggestions, but I know this is a very emotional piece, so don't feel like you have to use any of it.

- Maybe have some kind of meter? The rhyme scheme worked out really well with this, but I feel like if you had a meter (maybe anapest? If you just changed around some of the wording, it could work) it would sound even better.

- Some of the commas are placed weirdly/incorrectly. Remember that if it's a compound sentence that you're writing, the second half should be able to stand alone. So like, here's an example of a sentence that wouldn't work: "She washed the dishes, and mowed the lawn." If you take this apart, you can see that "mowed the lawn" would not work as its own sentence; therefore, you'd either have to remove the separating comma or add a "she" before "mowed" so that there were two separate sentences: "She washed the dishes and mowed the lawn," or "She washed the dishes, and she mowed the lawn."

Anyway, yea, this was great! Happy writing haha