Idea circles around me,
Touching my ears, my eyes, my heart,
Her creativity enveloping,
Making my dreams a work of art.
But alas Anxiety comes,
Her blade splitting the thought,
Telling me to reconsider
And making me distraught.
Idea swoops in gracefully,
Cleaning up the tears and frays,
And suddenly I’m typing,
Knowing just how to rephrase.
Idea designs a wall,
Spinning my webs of speculation,
And Anxiety disappears
With no more validation.
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Hey SilverBerry, bro! Just smol herbgirl here to help out your poem!
I'd like to start off by saying that the idea you based this poem off of was very solid. The idea of making abstract thought into person or giving it human-like qualities, although an old idea, can still be completely valid, especially when well utilized. You did a good job with that here, but I believe there are some things you could adjust.
In the last line of the first stanza, you say "Making my dreams a work of art." Now, this can make sense, but in my opinion it just sounds a little awkward. I suggest making changing it to "Making my dreams into works of art," so that you have double plurals. There's a word for that I think, but I don't remember what it is.
In the next stanza, in the first line, I would suggest putting a comma after "alas", because it will add an extra pause that will put more emphasis on the arrival of Anxiety.
In the third stanza, I recommend you preface the first line with "But then", because it will show that these events are happening chronologically. This is more of a minor suggestion, it's not as important, it would make sense without it, but I think it would make more sense if it was included.
The same thing goes with the fourth stanza. I recommend adding some connecting words that show that this happens after the previous stanza, so that the reader can clearly tell that these things are happening in order. Also with the last stanza, I'm not sure I really understand what message you're trying to send. "Idea designs a wall," why? To keep anxiety out? This didn't make much sense to me. Neither did the next line, "Spinning my webs of speculation." Doesn't that mean that Idea is causing you to question? But weren't you just before saying Idea reassured you? I think if you adjusted your wording here, or added another stanza to really pull the whole thing together, this poem would be absolutely fantastic.
Anyways, good job on the poem! It was nice to read something a friend has written.
herbgirl
Hey there. Jonathan here to review your poem! Let's get right into it.
I really like this idea and your personification of idea and anxiety. You did an action sequence very well in this poem, which is very very hard. I'll be going stanza by stanza for this review, so four suggestions for you.
For stanza one - I like this immediately. I'm almost seeing this as a sort of cat-like personification, which I know is a bit of a contradiction, but the point is that it's a rad phrase and nice job. As for the third line, I think you might be missing "me" after enveloping. It's not really clear the way you have it right now, in my opinion. Also, it's a little confusing that creativity is not personified as well. It doesn't seem like idea is a free thinking being, so why/how would it have creativity?
For stanza two - I also love this phrase "her blade splitting the thought", but it's a little confusing. I thought you at first meant that the thought was idea, but then I realized that you were probably talking about the dreams. Which one did you mean? Or something else entirely? Also, I think the rhyming here is constraining you a bit. "Distraught" isn't very evocative of anything.
For stanza three - Love this. Nothing I would suggest here.
For stanza four - the only thing I would ask you is to elaborate on this wall. Because this is where the rhyming/structure is really hurting you here. You can't describe anything because you're constrained to a few specific syllables and words. I honestly think this poem was good, but it could have been amazing if you gave yourself more freedom. Keep writing and stay rad!
Jonathan
I like the way you put this story together but for me I think that you need to have more time to think about when you write an soft me I think that when you wrote your story I said to myself this was going to be a good poem.
Another thing I would like to say about this is that you really had so good parts in it,and I like the way you add a bit of Edgar Alan Poe when you said and "suddenly I came a tapping"this to me says that you read a lot of good books and poems.
One last thing that I have to say is that you are a very good writer and person even thought I don't know who you are I can find out by reading your poems and story's.