Do it now while I am weak
Hold me down so I don't speak
Let my hate propel you on
Those days of peace are too far gone
And I will live on through your eyes
In the shadow you so despise
So rally on this hateful war
I hope you find what you're looking for
A little girl with flowing hair
Has unfurled into deep despair
Once a child and now a queen
All or nothing, and nothing between
I beg you to take me down
Let me rest, let me drown
For all these years atop this throne
Have left me here all alone
The war rages on outside these walls
I'm forced to watch as my kingdom falls
Plunge your sword into my heart
Scatter the blood like a work of art
Let my hate run down my chest
Bury it with all the rest
Shackles and chains will set me free
So let me die then leave me be.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Wow, deep poem! The way I understand it, it's about a ruler who's struggling to rule properly, and just can't watch his empire crumble away, right? So, really nice poem! It's a good representation of the struggle a ruler/king faces. The flow of the poem is smooth and rhythmic, and therefore it was nice to read. Your expression is awfully good. Just work on the punctuation of the poem (You need to add commas before every other line and such) and it'll be even better. Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
I have to agree with the last comment, I read this like a poem oppose to a song, but that doesn't really matter, it was still great. I think the reason I read it as a poem is mainly because I didn't have a tune to put it to so that's fine.
Okay! Reviewing time!
I really enjoyed this. You proved to have great skill when it comes to lyrics. Everything flowed smoothly, none of the rhymes felt forced, and the story was great. Some people, when writing like this, tend to have words that feel 'out of vocabulary' or 'used uncomfortably' but everything seemed to be used properly and comfortably. (I hope that was clear... Struggling with words myself right now)
One lined that bothered me a bit though, (More opinion than an actual problem but...)
"All or nothing, and nothing between"
Okay, so great line, everything in fine, but I don't like the repetition of 'nothing'. Maybe replace the second nothing with 'none in'. Wait, maybe not. I'm not sure. The more I re-read this the better it sounds. Okay, I'm not going to delete this edit though because maybe you agree, I don't know. It's fine, but when I first read it, it bothered me. Now? Not so much. I'm just going to shut up now and continue, okay...
Well, this was a crappy review, I apologize. There was another sentence I thought could be better but I've spent the past ten minutes looking for it and I can't remember which one it was so, obviously, it wasn't that bad.
I really enjoyed this song though and I really hope you keep writing lyrics and poems similar to this.
Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
I really dig the lyrics especially the climatic end, although it felt more like a poem then lyrics for a song. Please keep posting your writing!