Scientists, they love to test;
to find more information.
But one thing was a mystery
with not even an estimation.
Scientists found the speed of light,
and the level of a sonic boom;
how humans came from monkeys,
and what gases fill a room.
They studied human anatomy;
observed bones from dinosuars;
how the world revolves around the sun;
just what squeaks and what roars.
But still, there was something
that was told of in books and song.
Something so unknown to us,
it had no right or wrong.
Yet we base our lessons,
our morals, and our hearts
over something described
in literature and arts.
It's something that can't be measured
by weight, type, number, or role;
Something that cannot be seen:
Scientists sought out the soul.
So they rounded up their paper stacks
And brought in several volunteers
And started in their long, long search
for what would make or break their careers.
At first they didn't know what they wanted,
but decided the soul was best weighed.
But how to go about it? How to test?
And for a while there the idea stayed.
They brainstormed on how to weigh the soul;
To their credit they came up with a fast one.
The idea was to find someone who wouldn't suspect
And who certainly couldn't hide or run.
They selected a tall old man
and weighed him on a scale
then took him sightseeing on a bridge
and simply threw him over the rail.
They fished his body up and out
And weighed him on the shelf;
do you know what they found?
That's a mystery in itself!!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
This is really very cute. Good job.
Thanks Donizback
Hi! Sarah here to review.
I also agree with Hannah. With the rhymes, I suggest using RhymeZone. Its basically a dictionary a thesaurus, and every other type of book of words imaginable, but it also finds rhymes, near rhymes, and it pulls out examples of those rhymes from famous poetry. I has really helped me make the rhyming more sophisticated in my poetry.
Okay, so I only noticed two things. One, when you say,
Dinosaurs is spelled d-i-n-o-s-a-u-r-s.
Second,
This line breaks the flow slightly. Consider rewriting it.
So, as always, keep writing, and as always, I WANT MORE!
I just recently started using that website; I'll come back and fix this one up
thank you for the review!
Hello!
First of all, I agree with everything Hannah said. Especially about the rhyme thing and the ending thing. You should definitely think over her suggestions.
I think it would be smart to break this into stanzas. If the shift+enter trick works for you, try doing that. (shift+enter=smaller line breaks) But if that doesn't work, try this How to format your poetry on YWS
So also along with the rhyming. I thought the rhyming was pretty good in places, but I felt like it was determining the direction your poem. There were some lines that just felt awkward, and I could tell you were keeping them there to force the rhyme. I think (like hannah) that because this was such an amazing concept, you should just scrap the rhyme. You don't need it. This would be really powerful if you just got rid of it and said what you want, in my opinion.
Like hannah, I also felt the ending could have been better. (First of all I didn't like the double exclamation marks...) but I think you could have ended it in a more professional way. Again, refer to Hannah's review.
I love all the cool images though, and the very forward way that you presented the fact that they just murdered this guy. I like the voice you used in this, and how simple and clear it was. The only thing that made it unclear was your forced rhyme. For example,
I can tell what you're trying to say, but it just reads so awkwardly.
Really, these are the only things you have to work on. You concept was very wonderful and unique.
You're a talented writer.
Good job, keep writing!
~fortis
Um, oh my god. That ending. Haha.
So, I'm gonna leave some of my thoughts and hope that some of them will be helpful for you.
First, I feel like this poem can totally start at this section:
And that all the text before that is kind of you clearing your throat before you get to the really good idea (which is obviously the shocking idea of killing a man to see if he weighs any less w/o a soul). This section gives the readers all the info they need to get right to the meat of it, and there's less chance we'll get bored and wander away.
I'm wondering about the rhyming, especially with the last line. With such a STUPENDOUS OUTRAGEOUSLY GOOD topic to present, the rhyming can, at some points, make it seem like a child's rhyme, which interferes with the surprising image and underlying philosophy -- which one is more important to you?
Lastly, that ending. I mean, I know you can't reveal it -- it would break the genuineness of the idea if you tried to actually answer the question -- but I don't know that saying "it's a mystery" is quite the right way to end it. It's like sticking your tongue out and saying "I'm not going to tell you" instead of having a reason for not sharing.
These are my thoughts! I hope they were helpful~
PM me if you have any questions/comments about my review or if you want to talk more. You can also just leave a comment here on the review if you want.
Good luck and always keep writing!