As it fades, you watch it fall
As it fades, you know that all
Are unaware to the switch in throne
To the hidden knife among a drone
To the queen who can’t stand
As a quiet settles the land
And she can no longer speak
Because she could never tweak
The fear that did bind
That none could ever find
*
As she sinks and watches it fall
What is oblivious, is to all
As the crumbling of the throne
Is taken by a drone
From the queen who couldn’t stand
Seeing the burning of her land
So she decided to never speak
To a land she couldn’t tweak
To understand her sorrow
As all those who would shall follow
*
She watches reality fall
And thinks she sees all
As the dust that was the throne
Lies next to a dead drone
For he may never stand
To once more face the land
He never tried to speak
His voice, she took to tweak
On the fear that did bind
The love she couldn’t find
And the ever-embedded sorrow
Of facing those who follow
The paths that twist their fate
And the clock that’s always late
*
They both must watch it fall
As they both must lose it all
To the illusion of a throne
That left them forever alone
The time that would not stand
Got carried away by the land
Because it could not speak
They both found themselves weak
As the time that must bind
Pulls them to a darkness they must find
As the overwhelming sorrow
Cannot face tomorrow
And the dark, grisly fate
Of risking being late
For the final sip of breath
Followed shortly always by death
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That was a really good poem. I noticed that it never mentioned a king, only a queen. It also mentioned that there was a drone. Were you describing a bees' hive being destroyed slowly? That was an impressive poem!
Hi! Thank you for stopping to read and leave a comment! I appreciate it
Yes, in the end, I think I was referencing bees. As I told Writer, this was an exercise made up by a friend to help me improve as a writer. I was given two words--hive and finale--and told to write a poem about it without stopping, thinking, or considering. This is what happened! It was actually really fun
Thanks again!
I think I might try that strategy!! That's a really good idea!!
Hey Sherri! Writer here to give a review! I definitely like this poem a lot. Let’s dig into it, shall we?
So one thing I want to say right off the bat is your poem lacks end punctuation entirely. That can be a good thing, but here I think you could definitely add in some punctuation just to give the flow more meaning. You know, a full stop at the end, some commas to add longer pauses, etc. Just go back and see where a period would work to contribute to the tone and even the mood of the poem. Because right now everything feels a little mushed together.
So my real reason for pulling out these first three lines is to talk about the line breaks. The first line is one sentence pretty much. It’s one idea that has an invisible pause at the end. Perfect. Now, the next two lines are one sentence all together, which I feel ruins the two lines when you break them up. I’m already mentally pausing, and it just feels odd when I read “all…..are.” I’m unsure if other people feel that, and you don’t have to do anything about it, but I think you should try and keep consistency here. With that being said, starting a line with a linking verb just feels odd. But I’m very intrigue by what this “it” is, so great job on the opening ^^
Hmm, I’m a little unsure about this line…it feels as if it is missing a preposition, like “on” or “in.” But this line is a little shorter than the others, therefore shaking up the flow. So just be careful about the number of syllables, as you have already established a rhythm.
Again with the starting of a linking verb >.< For one thing, the last line is shorter in syllables, therefore breaking the flow once again. “a drone” definitely lacks description too. Since the line is shorter, you could add an adjective to not only give us more of a visual but to keep a consistent flow. What kind of drone? What color, how does it act, etc. Also I like the comma you do have here that adds a little pause.
Be careful with endings, like the second line. “Seeing” and “burning” is a redundancy you want to avoid. “To see the burning of her land” can work here.
So crazy Microscoft Word is telling me “would shall” is verb confusion. Pfft like they’re always right, but I would be careful because it feels like you’re rushing it, in which I had to reread the line twice to realize that all those who understand her sorrow shall follow. I suggest putting a comma between “would” and “shall” just to make that clearer. Only a suggestion, however.
Here your rhyming feels forced, like you couldn’t find any words that rhymed with “fall” or “all.” It’s just, you’ve already used fall in your poem a lot, and I feel that (unless this is that type of poem where you repeat lines, which I vaguely recognize) you should have synonyms with “fall” or something like that. Of course, that would mess up your rhyming, but I think the word choice is becoming a little bland, which can hurt the mood or the tone of your poem.
Wait a minute…is this about Alice in Wonderland???? Or something else >.> Hmm I am so confused but I love these thought provoking lines you have in your poem!
A period totally needs to go here to signal death, I think. Just a thought.
I liked this topic you have, and I think the word choice is good, but it could be worked on. I recognize this style of poetry, but I can’t put a name on it. Do you mind telling me if you know?
Just “tweak” that a little bit
Well done, Sherri! I can’t wait to see more of your works
~Thewriter13
Hi!
It was a project--well, more of a test given to me by a friend--to see what I would write if given two simple words. I wasn't allowed to stop, or think about it, or do anything like that. It was kind of fun! She said it was a mind exercise that trained my brain to write with consistency even when I couldn't think about what I was writing. Basically, it was training me to write better without thinking about it; sort of like natural writing or something. I simply humored her XD That's why there's no punctuation... not only is it meant to be read like a strung-together line of thoughts, it IS a strung-together line of thoughts that somehow formed themselves into a poem. That rhymed. Still excited about that 
This was my seventh attempt... the others were horrible!
Thank you for the review, first of all! I appreciate it
Um... I can't quite recall what the poem type is called. I know there's chain poetry, which is where the last word of one stanza becomes the first word of the next, but I can't remember what this one is called, if anything. I tried looking it up, but couldn't find anything! XD
I'll definitely put a period at the end to symbolize true death; that sounds so poetic, you'd think it'd go into poetry... haha
I sort of wrote this in one sitting, nonstop and not really thinking about it. I'm amazed the rhymes even sounded half-sensible!
I'll add a bit of punctuation where I can, but I don't really want to mess with it too terribly much... I agree on quite a few areas where it needs it, though.
Oh! before I forget... I know the rhyming gets a little... stale?... until it sort of shifts in the last stanza, but apparently that symbolizes our mind's natural instinct to change thought its thought process before death. According to my friend. XD I don't know about that...
But thank you for the review! I'll fix it up and stuff some of that good ol' punctuation in there and make it flow better. Sorry for the long response... I talk too much
Oh that sounds like fun! I should attempt that. Thanks for the response back
Hey Sherri, Bassy here. Let's review.
) But I'm sure someone will find something, I usually only point out obvious, simple mistakes that could be quickly fixed, which I didn't see any. Great job Sherri hope to read more of your writing especially your amazing Fainaru Circus *sighs* Joker, amazing Joker with many secrets I must read more!!! *Jumps through window) XD Anyway I'll let you be 
*whispers in creepy voice* "I'll be waiting for your book" Haha I'm sorry not enough sleep. Amazing and of course rock on Sherri! 
I really enjoyed this poem it was intriguing, and is weird to say that it was exciting (probably) haha. Anyways I really like the fact that you repeated some words at the end of each sentence in each stanza, or part. It kept the poem interesting. The rhyming scheme is very crystal clear and flawless, in my eyes at least. You pulled it off.
They both must watch it fall
As they both must lose it all
To the illusion of a throne
That left them forever alone
The time that would not stand
Got carried away by the land
Because it could not speak
They both found themselves weak
As the time that must bind
Pulls them to a darkness they must find
This part just really wrenches at my heart, not because it's sad, but because it's really beautifully written. I've read a lot of rhyming poems, and most usually sucked and was very cheesy/ cliche. (Which is soooooo annoying XD I'll be bald by the time I finish reading a poem that sucks horribly) BUT YOU! My friend controlled everything that was happening in your poem, you knew what to do with each word, with each emotion. When to shock, when to sadden, and I admire that.
And the dark, grisly fate (I really like the word choice...grisly, Hmmmm so interesting. Delicious! (that was weird XD)
For the final sip of breath (ooohhhh sip of breath, gave me chills) haha
Followed shortly always by death (Beautifully dark, and perfectly ended) "Brings tears to my eyes darlin'" *Says in accent*
Well I'm not really a picky person on grammar because people make mistakes and no writing is perfect (EXACTLY perfect
Thanks Bassy! I'm so happy you like it
I'll keep writing Fainaru! I have five chapters in drafting stages!
And sleep!
I am also void of all energy, and about to pass out of my chair and sleep... but I needed to reply first! XD Glad you enjoyed the word choice... at first I thought it would get bad reception because it was repetitive, but I liked the way it gradually changed, so I kept it
You rock on, too
Haha your welcome! And I will
Thanks!