This is a shortened, basic version of an idea I've been working on. I plan on adapting it later into some kind of short story. A lot of the original stanzas were removed for length's sake; not everyone likes a seemingly-endless poem! Anyways, with that in mind, the ending might seem confusing and the poem without details. I just wanted to get any opinions, suggestions, ideas, or corrections before I started writing out the story. Thanks :)
This light, thy light, defines my home
This faith, or lack of, is why we roam
To define the reason you waste away
Is not a query I can answer this day
And yet by night, trapped in rage
We polish thy sacred silver cage
That binds you to what remains of us
To us, this ever-travelling circus
If one from out there,
Were to ask why we care
For a Mistress who dwells
In the darkness that swells
But by Death I am bound
And in Death you are found
May my soul reach your lips
And your red-tainted fingertips
And I'll bend to the grass to select a rose
Slip it on my hat, as this story goes
And I'll carry the Red, I'll carry the sword
And give you the souls that you greedily hoard
As is the life of a Ringmaster
Bound by the code,
On the life that I rode
And I'll bring this Disaster
As all leaders do
Because I trust you
But if one were to be entirely true,
I would have to confess
That I loved you best
And if I must follow, forever and only you
Then your name will be my last breath,
My guardian, Queen of Death.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
I love your writing style, I couldn't find any errors, so that's good. My favorite line is probably "then your name will be my last breath." I can't really find any part of it that I didn't like. I feel like this could be something more, like a short story like you were talking about. I love it honestly, it has heart and soul. It's something that everyone can enjoy reading. You have amazing talent with writing and portraying a picture in your words. Keep writing!
Thank you so much! I appreciate the kind words
I know my writing needs a lot of work before I can go professional, but it's still nice to hear that someone likes what you've written!
Even though I'm not supposed to pick favorites (writers love all of their work, right?) I do like that line as well. No idea where it came from--circus obsessions to strange things to you. Strange things--but it worked!
Again, thank you for the kindness
I didn't have to read very far to know that I loved this. Whether it be a song or a poem, it's absolutely fantastic.
I couldn't decide what kind of beat it'd be set to if it were to be set to one. So many different beats fit the words. Now that's musical talent.
As a poem, it's devastatingly amazing too.
In all honesty, this is one of those rare creations that could TRULY work in more than one style.
Congratulations on that special ability!
Good Luck To You!
Thank you so much
I appreciate it! Since it is a circus-type song--I've been oddly obsessed lately--I thought about an old-time circus-type song... but it really could go any way.
Thank you again!
Hello there!
Well, first of all, I think this was a phenomenal poem and definitely could be turned into something bigger. I did not find any grammar or spelling errors, so that was good!
I enjoyed reading this a lot. Your writing style is the kind that pulls people right in from just the first few sentences. It was both dark and beautiful, and also a bit mysterious. If this were going to be turned into something more, this was a great start and first look into the story. It set the tone quite well.
Overall, good job! I'd really like to see more of this story one day! Keep writing!
Sorry for replying so late; I'm very behind on my YWSing!
I appreciate you reading my poem. I've started on a book for it called Fainaru Circus, even though a few of the idea's shown in the poem have been altered. If you ever want to check it out 
it's a work in progress, to be sure.
(love your username, by the way)
First and foremost (after the apology) thank you so much!
Thank you again for reviewing!