My boy, my boy
Look to the sun
It is but a star,
But the largest one
To eyes on Earth
It graces us with light
To wings of angels,
It gives flight
My boy, my boy
Watch it rise
~
Young master, young master,
Look at the time
Listen to the evening bells
As they sweetly chime
The people, the people,
They speak of crime
Young master, young master,
I beg you hide behind lies
~
My Lord, my lord,
The dance is in full sway
A lady, on your arm
You listen to whatever she shall say
A lady, dark lady, eyes of red
Watches you night and day
Lady, fine lady, beauty of our time
Be careful the games you play
My lord, my lord,
She feeds on your surprise
~
My King, my King,
The sun is late
The night is dark
But you have a date
That lady, fine lady,
She smiles at your fate
The marriage you propose
Is the topic of debate
Your parents weep
Your advisors think it great
That you would choose a woman
With many a fine trait
My King, My King,
Beware the skies
~
My tyrant, my tyrant
Atop a golden throne
You forget the purpose
Of the life that you have sewn
Your lady lies in seclusion
And now you are alone
She weaves the filthy lies
Under which you have shone
Your son has left your palace
Hateful of your tone
The sky is ever dark
For reasons yet to be known
My tyrant, my tyrant,
Watch for the sun
~
My Queen, my Queen
Lips blood red
The King is missing
You shall rule in his stead
Perhaps past failure
Reached him and he fled
Oh, what misfortune
To which this tale has led
My lady, fine lady,
Does he rest in your bed?
The scent you carry
Is heavy like lead
Soothing to the touch,
You always fed
Depression that crawled
Into our Lord’s head
For the first time, you stop my thoughts
To say what was unsaid
That mouth, sweet mouth, whispers
“Our Lord is dead”
My Queen, My Queen,
Oh what have you done?
~
My Lady, My Lady,
She strokes my fur
I watch the suitors
That she may lure
Into her presence
As they incur
About our Lord
But she shall deter
Any talk of the past
Or what we were
Demons, oh fine demons,
How they slur
The line of reality
And the vision of her
My Lady, My Lady,
I believe you’ve won
~
My Mistress, My Mistress
I lay by your side
In your bed, in the morn
Watching the tide
Through the window facing the bay
Thinking of how you lied
You love me in a different way
Than I had thought inside
But I love you still,
And by your order I abide
Perhaps if I were not a mutt
You might be my bride
But that is a dream long lost
And best pried
From a lonely soul
That has been denied
Our Lord, my love,
Did you decide
He could no longer
Properly provide
To the dark wishes
You implied
My Mistress, My Mistress
Which of us do you delude?
~
My dog, My lovey dog,
Come sit in my lap
While I kiss your head
And take a nap
Just a short one…
We’ve souls… to trap…
…I love you… you know…
…Watching… the sun…
It’s not… the only… star…
But it’s… the largest… one…
Our lord… our lord…
He… loved you… so…
…Just like…I do…
I wanted… you to… know…
…This feels too…final, like…
…a last, shaking… breath…
My dog… sweet dog…
…I fear my… death…
…I wish you…to have… whatever is left…
My dog, my lovely dog
You stand in solitude
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
The length! It is long, for sure.
You’ve chosen this rhyme scheme, and there are a few kinks in the rhythm that should be ironed out, first, I think, before looking at the story. Let’s take the first stanza, for example. Rhythmically, your lines go: six syllables, four syllables, seven syllables, five syllables, six syllables, four syllables, six syllables, eight syllables. We’re all over the place.
Here is the actual stanza in full:
“Young master, young master,
Look at the time
Listen to the evening bells
As they sweetly chime
The people, the people,
They speak of crime
Young master, young master,
I beg you hide behind lies”
What if we made the syllable pattern more regular?
Look at these word changes, and see how the stanza flows.
Young master, young master,
Look at the time.
Hark, now! Hear those night bells.
Sweetly, they chime.
The people, the people,
They speak of crime.
Young master, young master,
I beg, “Hide your lies!”
Six-four-six-four-six-four-six-five was the syllabic pattern this took. I included punctuation, too, because you are using full sentences though they be written in separated phrases.
In this form, no line’s meaning in the stanza has been altered, but the whole reads easier, and I think the rest of the poem should be looked at, again, in this light. There are other stanzas with the same wonky feeling, capable of being revised.
For the actual story of the piece, I’m torn. I can’t tell who’s narrating. In the beginning and a little towards the end, I thought it was the dog. I thought, “Neat, this poem is being told, through a dog’s point of view, scenes of betrayal in some medieval landscape.” We get to the end, and I think, “What’s this! Whose this random person talking to the dog now? Was it even the dog talking in the beginning? I don’t know where I am.”
I know two people died: the king, the queen. I think the queen was poisoned, but the king died out of nowhere, and I only knew of his death because the queen took over. There’s a tyrant. I don’t know what he’s doing here in this same land, because we’ve got the king and queen. Was it the mysterious lady who killed these two, the married rulers? Is the boy the same as the young master?
All of these people, all of these happenings, all of these syllables all over the place! My head’s spinning.
It’s looks like this: You know your story. You know how all of these scenes look, in your head, but there’s so much. There is so much that you aren’t able to phrase it all without making a book, and so - instead of making a book - you have taken the very bare minimum of each scene and fleshed it into a poem.
If the rhythm of each stanza was fixed, this would be a very nice, childhood/bedtime story sort of piece, and that’d be cool. If you decided to expand each scene, this would be a really neat book as well. As it is, it can’t be left. You’ve gotta come back to this and rework what you’ve got.
Potential!
Tell me what you think.
Hi! Thanks for reviewing
) but gets too distracted by her to focus. In the end, his concern is for the Queen instead of for his life-long master that she murdered. 
lol, so long, so long...
So I read your review a few times, then read my poem a few times over after that. To be honest, this was something a friend of mine calls 'marathon poetry', where I start writing and don't stop to revise. This results in a lot of rhythm and flow mishaps that rupture the rest of the poem. I agree with the second stanza being choppy; in truth, the third stanza bugs me the most, but it's hard rewriting something with thought that you wrote without thinking. If that makes sense XD
I like all of the changes you proposed for the second stanza except the last line...the dog is narrating, and therefore (in this particular poem) cannot speak. I'll figure out something for that, but other than that little detail, I'll have to go back and make the changes
Next, I know it's hard to grasp the story! It doesn't help that my friend--who doubles as my beta-tester for my writing--is super-analytical, so she picks up details that even I didn't realize I had put into my writing. Over the years, this has resulted in a habit of skipping details I would normally use because she picks them up anyways. I'm working on fixing that.
The jest of the story is that the dog grew up with the boy/king. The first stanza is when the boy was pure--a street kid, yes, but pure. Child innocence and all that. In the next stanza, the boy is referred to as 'young master', a common term used for young nobility 'way back then'. The people talk of crime because he stole it to get it. More or less. In the third stanza, the boy is older, and is called 'Lord', which is basically adult nobility. He meets a woman, but the dog can already sense she's manipulative. In the next stanza, he's arisen to King, courted the woman for a while, and talks of marriage. Everyone is happy but the dog, who tries to warn his master to watch his path--well, in a roundabout way. Hints at late suns, watching the skies (which would then be dark) and all that jazz. I don't know where half of this stuff came from, but at least I can explain it XD. In the next stanza, the man has become a tyrant, going mad with the effort of keeping up with the lies he's created over the years. His wife goes into seclusion, his only heir leaves, and the dog begs he watches for the sun. In the next stanza, the attention switches to the Queen--still the dog talking--and the dog is starting to fall in love with his mistress. The dog tries to ask questions (with body language. Like I said, no talking animals in this one. For once
Next we start at 'Queen' and go down from there. The dog accepts her as the new owner, watches wannabe suitors come and go as she feeds off of their souls, helping fend off questions concerning the death of the King. He eventually realizes she doesn't love him the same way, accepts this, and... yeah! The reason the last stanza makes no sense is because it switches narrators. The Queen speaks final words to her dog--you were right, by the way; she was poisoned. However, it was long enough, and that woudl have taken another two stanzas to even begin to explain. I'm not sure how you picked up on that detail since I pretty much spontaneously killed her in an effort to shorten this a bit, but... sweet! Hi-five for seeing that!) And basically leaves everything--including the throne--to her dog. More or less. You know, I really do need to just suck it up and turn this into a mini-story.
I also really like the idea of a bedtime story! I might need to omit the whole wife-murders-husband bit, but still
Anyways! Sorry that was ridiculously long. Another bad habit of mine XD I don't usually explain my poems too much for reasons you put into your review without realizing it. You were thinking the tyrant and the lady were different people, and I love that about stories, be they mine or others'. The vagueness lets you create your own twist, after which it becomes more special than it would be if you gave all of the details.
Anyways, thank you so much for the review, and double-kudos if you made it through my response!
Let me know if you have any other suggestions. I really appreciate them! My friend always teases me about being able to write and edit, but never being able to change anything XD
I can accept that you don't want the dog talking, so the dog can't talk. Alright, that's fine. My problem: the dog CAN fall in love with a human? Hey, now. We might as well let the pooch speak!
Woops! My notifications didn't pick up on your comment for some reason! XD
So... how to respond to this particular comment...
Well, I'm not a big fan of talking animals; animals are more mysterious and majestic--in my opinion--because they do not communicate with words, but instead with a mixture of body language and emotion, and maybe some sounds. This leads up to a hidden symbolism of wisdom, and all that jazz; this poem actually has a far deeper story to it that it seems at first, and I'd like to keep that theme at heart.
So... yes. The dog cannot speak. Similar to how a mute person can still fall in love, though they cannot speak either. Animals do show emotion, after all.
Sorry to be sort of snippy; I just really, really dislike it when people jumble words and emotions together as if they were one and the same.
D: Wow... just wow...
I loved this so much. There are so many words to describe how this poem made me feel, and none of them are fit to really tell you how much I enjoyed this. <3 Every line, every sentence, and every stanza... was perfect. The ending was flawless and everything flowed magically. This better be in featured works, because I have never seen such an amazing poem. <3
~BookWolf
Thanks so much!
I didn't actually think anyone would make it through the whole thing since it's so long... so double thank you for sticking it out 
People always get on me about how long my raw poems are (before I cut them in half several times over)
I can't even begin to tell you how happy your review made me, as cheesy as that sounds XD
But seriously, thank you
You're welcome!
I was hooked instantly. Your talent is apparent.
No, seriously. Maybe because it was the talk of Lords, Kings, and Queens; it just had that awesome feel to it that Lord of the Rings has. 
Yeah, before I read it I scrolled down to see how long it was, and when I saw, I actually thought about not reading it. But I had a feeling I should try it out, at least just the first stanza.
Also, I didn't add this in the review because it seemed kind of random.... But this reminded of Lord of the Rings.
Well, I'm really glad you decided to read it!
I'll have to watch them some time.
I haven't watched much of the Lord of the Rings, but my friend said the same thing!
Thanks again