She wound the tin sheets round my heart;
Binding losses is a lovely art
She cased my soul in copper wires,
Using coal to stoke past fires
She saved my life, but not my mind;
Couldn't imagine what she'd find
It's too late now; she's my life support
As a worn-out woman voices her retorts
Now I follow her mechanical creed:
Higher knowledge and petulant greed
Silver blades shall steal it all;
Iron springs will break your fall
Tie them up with leather and bone
For, we too, were once alone
Kiss the rust that eats my eyes;
Now I'm blinded to the lies
Iodize my past till I am pure.
When did love become so obscure?
You thought metal and steam would set me free;
I'm trapped in everything we could be
Charge my brain with hope and hate,
Then wipe my memories; clean my slate
If I can't cry, then it won't end;
I'll eat the machinations that you send
I can't see and you won't breathe.
Leave me be so I can seethe
Titanium tightly clasps my hands;
My legs are bound to steel frame stands
With lips of gold and hair of coils,
Skin coated in grease, acid, and oils
Build Security Two-Point-Oh,
And when I die, I'll have told you so
You can't give life back to the dead
By injecting veins with liquid lead
Pull the cord and snap the plug;
Let my blood stain the shaggy rug
You love far too much to release
The inner cries that never cease
I was gone before you found
The battered body that hit the ground
I beg you, love, to let me die;
All you do is plead and cry
Now twenty years later I still draw breath;
Mourning over your decades-old death
You gave your life to open a cage
I'd built around me in my rage
And though I float above that menacing black;
I'd go down again just to get you back
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here for a quick review.
So, I quite like this. Your idea for the format is interesting, and I like that your rhyming works pretty well. It makes the poem sound more like a story, and I like that. I do want to mention a few things, though.
Punctuation
Now, I try not to be overly picky about punctuation in poems, because it is the poet's choice, but when that choice harms the poem I point it out. The problem is, you have way too many semicolons. I don't think I've ever seen so many semicolons in such a short space! Now, with commas, that wouldn't be that big of a deal, because everyone's used to commas. However, since semicolons are so rare, they really stop a reader in their tracks. Generally, if you're using semicolons in poetry, you want to keep it to a minimum. Even if, grammatically speaking, you should have that many semicolons (though if that is the case, you might need more variety i your lines), you can still get away with using commas, and nine times out of ten it will be less distracting to your readers.
Format/Stanzas
At first, I enjoyed how each stanza was a set of two rhyming lines, but the farther I got into the poem, the more I felt it just didn't work very well. The problem is, stanza breaks are about the biggest "stop" a poem can have. It tells the reader that a new idea is beginning and stops them completely in their tracks. However, since each stanza here is so short, the reader hardly gets to start processing your lovely ideas and imagery before they are forced to end that line of thinking and start over. It's like having chapters in a book that are only about a page each. The result is rather choppy, and it's harder to get a sense of the overall poem.
What I'd recommend is to probably keep the rhyming lines, since you did pretty well with those, but to combine them into longer stanzas based on where you start with a new idea. You could also probably work your way deeper into some of those ideas and flesh them out more.
And that's all I've got for you! If you've got any questions, just ask. I hope this review was helpful, and good luck with your writing!
Very cool poem
Wow! I think this is one of my favorite poems on here! It was very well written, and I couldn't find any grammar mistakes. The rhymes were perfect except for a few instances where the lines didn't quite match up, but I only noticed it on my second time reading. I loved the metaphor of the machines and the whole poem. Really, really great job!