they say the gods give each of us what we deserve:
blessings lavished unto the saints
and punishment meted to the wicked;
so i know it's true that the fault lies with me --
when he lays out my sins
and names them one by one.
witless birds get captivity;
too stupid to roam the hillside free
and so kept for the enjoyment of the wise.
faint-hearted hares scared into hiding;
craven in their ((burrows)) of contempt
at the passing shadow of the powerful.
two-faced serpents fallen from grace;
wanton in their depravity and willing to
betray their own father for a moment's rest.
and i, a cretin to the ignoblest degree
put upon the world to spread corruption
and punish those i love.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Heya Shady! Incoming review!
I think this is my favourite stanza. I didn't know what it was about at first, but when I read your replies for the comments below me it makes more sense. This is a wonderful way to describe self-hatred. And it isn't obvious at first. Also the two-faced serpents are a cool descriptor along with your branding ;)I recently read and reviewed your other sequel poem about Kylia. I saw this in the green room and thought I'd read and review the source material. With that said, let's get on with the review!
I'll start with critique. Uhm, well turns out I don't really have any! I guess I'll move right on to praise xD
First off, I love your choice of vocabulary. I thought I had an extended arsenal of words, but I picked up some new ones like "mete", "ignoble", and "cretin". The word choice makes the poem come to life. I don't know the extent of Kylia's character as you would, but it makes me think in this world people are well educated, or at least Kylia is. She's refined, yet broken. She's willing to make her suffering as lavish as possible in order to romanticize it and numb the bitter pain.
When it comes to poetry like this, more fluid with words and quite symbolic (for me that's not just saying what everything means but go along with it) the word "stupid" dumbs down the poem entirely. You, my friend, made stupid a more classy word. I think it is because of all the context around it, stupid feels more like an amplifier than a rather useless descriptor. As writers, I believe we shouldn't be looking to use the biggest and fancies words out there, we should use the right ones. And sometimes "stupid" is just the right word.
The last thing I'd like to touch upon is your title. This isn't critique nor praise, I guess I'm just wondering why you put a period at the end. I won't go full on English teacher mode and analyze what I might think it is because I genuinely don't know. Maybe you put a period because it looks cool, I don't know.
But anyway that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! It's uncommon that I can't find something to critique, but just because I don't have any critique doesn't mean you can't still improve. Wonderful poem, I can't wait to read more. Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeeee <3333
Hi there Shady! Lim here with a review – in rhyming verse.
I. Interpretation
I thought the speaker came from times long gone,
“unto the saints” is language that seems old.
The background is the opposite of dawn,
a dark and grainy texture: jaded, cold.
The themes perceived: injustice and one’s rage,
though left unsure: the story told elsewhere.
I could not see the details on the page,
of hints and references I’ve had my share.
II. Structure
How strong the speaker’s voice, consistent, paced!
I thought they came from noble blood or wealth.
Their words were weighted: “craven” and “grace”;
their story though is yet well-clothed in stealth.
I assume the serpents are conceit:
the stanza after them does speak of sin.
The “birds” and “hares” fly fast, escape my wit,
for me the link between seems to grow thin.
Who features in the stanzas three and four?
The lines tell only what the creatures suffer.
Are they the speaker? Someone they abhor?
I think for these my mind could use a buffer.
III. Punctuation
I noticed semi-colons only late
and am unsure if they need to be there.
The hiding hares and burrows do relate
in structure as in topic. (Why not a comma fair?)
IV. Rhythm
The rhythm of your verse at large is fine,
and I adore the little hints of rhyme:
how scared the hares, the “too . . . free” line,
some assonance to mark the reading time.
I wonder if Kylia’s world would use
a metered or unmetered verse as norm?
Perhaps a setting thing to introduce
and see if Kylia’s person would conform.
V. Conclusion
Obscure the tale may be, this piece draws me
into the brooding mood the speaker bears.
How fascinating would it be to see
the figures they describe in all their flairs?
~
Well, Shady, I hope this feedback makes sense! I did my best to convey all I wanted to say in verse, though feel free to ask me about any one of these lines (or for more feedback on something specific). I realized reading your replies to another reviewer that I didn’t quite catch all those aspects about Kylia’s backstory, especially about her being a slave. (But was she a noble or something before being enslaved?) But maybe that’s helpful data here. Hopefully the comments are interesting to you and give you some ideas for your character-poems. Happy NaPo!
-Lim
Haha this is fantastic! Thanks so much for the review!
It's funny that you ask if she's a noble because that is a ~ complicated ~ answer xD
She thinks she is a peasant turned slave. She "grew up" (quotes because she got taken when she was 12) on a farm before she was kidnapped. However, her "job" during her slavery was to be the personal assistant of a noble, so she is highly educated and speaks a ton of languages and is accustomed to conversing with nobles/royalty. So I'm actually pretty happy that you picked up on that through her voice haha
But in canon, she is the Classic Displaced Princess Trope, where there was a threat on her life when she was an infant so she was placed with the farmer as a foster father (but doesn't know this fact so if you asked her if she was noble/royal, she would say no). But in mine and grand's duo that we've been going wild with (which is the inspo for the two poems following this one -- this one is applicable to both canon and duo) she recently got rescued and then adopted by a nobleman. So, in that sense, yes, she's a noble xD but still feels like a farmer/slave and is very slowly correcting her view of herself that her "owner" absolutely destroyed.
Thanks again for the review! Super helpful (and I really appreciate the hyperlinks, I definitely would not have gotten that definition from "conceit" without the link lol), and also, I'm just super impressed that you actually managed to write a poetic review that makes sense haha You're the bestest <3
I'm glad you found the review helpful!! And yeah, I don't think I could have come up with a better definition of 'conceit' than the one Poetry Foundation has (esp not in rhyme haha) so I'm glad you found that useful. Ah, I am always super fascinated by that class of people who are enslaved but also working very closely with the seat of power and thus are highly educated - kind of a paradoxical situation to be in (i.e. plenty of now-famous Greek philosophers were like that, though I forget the names). Thanks for sharing that backstory, and all the best with your roleplay duo!
I don’t know what story this is from,but I decided to read this poem,because why not? I think that Kylia might be in a world that has a strict system on society and she is choosing to survive or maybe it’s the opposite? I think she wants to survive.I hope that you have an awesome and cool day and night.
Thanks for reading! ^-^
The context is that Ky has been a slave for 8 years, the past 5 of which have been with a particularly awful master who has convinced her that her captivity is her own fault (stanza 2), because she's stupid (3) and weak/cowardly (4). He's also successfully convinced her that she is the villain and so she has a lot of self-hatred, characterized by stanzas five and six.
Aw..poor Kylia!
But great poem and you%u2019re welcome! ^v^