Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Science


Luminous Depths

by ShadowVyper


A/N: The definition in the first stanza is from Google. 

Bioluminescence, noun:
the biochemical emission of light
by living organisms such as fireflies
and deep-sea fishes. 

A sea of lights dance in the depths,
Unseen, unknown,
Radiance bursting forth from side,
and head, and esca -- a lure to dangle,
allure to mesmerize unknowing prey.

Complexity and intrigue,
Dances and flashes and tricks,
Patterns to attract mates in the twilight,
Sharply contrasting fins for alarm,
Behavior as fascinating as beautiful.

In the abyss where few souls wander,
Water as heavy as it is deep,
And day as dark as night,
A whole world swims undetected,
Unappreciated, understudied.

Waiting for the day that their light
will be the spark to your passion,
setting your soul afire
with the admiration and compulsion
to surrender your undivided attention


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 348
Reviews: 20

Donate
Tue Feb 12, 2019 9:34 pm
View Likes
Spilledink wrote a review...



I really love this, I think for two special points:

1. The beauty and clarity of this poem
2. The deep meaning and the words you used to describe.

:) Gosh, this is beautiful. I love your words, the way the lines melt and flow together perfectly, and just the complex yet simplicity of it.
My favorite verse would have to be:

"In the abyss where few souls wander,
Water as heavy as it is deep,
And day as dark as night,
A whole world swims undetected,
Unappreciated, understudied."

(I interpret things very seriously sometimes haha)
This makes a lot of sense and it's like a metaphor to describe human emotions and struggles. I interpreted it as if the bioluminescent light could shed hope to the deep, dark below except it is too far away, unknown and ignored. I really love this (wow I keep repeating myself). Anyways, I think this poem should honestly win an award, you should enter in contests and magazines!

The only thing I felt that was out of place was the definition at the beginning. It felt a bit blocky, maybe you could change it up a bit to rhyme and flow into the next verse?
I loved the idea and the sort of scientific inspiration!
Hopefully, my review wasn't super cheesy haha!
Keep writing, this was beautiful!




ShadowVyper says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it :)



User avatar
77 Reviews


Points: 1630
Reviews: 77

Donate
Tue Feb 12, 2019 3:39 am
View Likes
AmadeusW wrote a review...



This is a very neat poem. I really like the complexity and variety of the language, and the consistent use of science to portray a vivid scene and also help the reader understand the narrator. This narrator is a very scientific mind, yet also has a flair of romanticism about what he studies, to thus describe the underworld of the sea in a new and different fashion. One thing that came up that I was a little curious about was how the poem, which had stayed consistent all the way, suddenly turned into sounding like a love poem in the last - the very last - stanza. If your intent was to make this a love poem, then I think there needs to be some sprinkling of that theme in the rest of the poem so that the actual message of the poem does not get confused. If it was not meant to be a love poem, then I recommend adapting the last stanza to not sound like one.

Other than that you have done amazing work! Excellent!




ShadowVyper says...


Thanks for the review! I appreciate it! :)



User avatar
23 Reviews


Points: 4229
Reviews: 23

Donate
Tue Feb 12, 2019 2:23 am
View Likes
Liminality wrote a review...



Hello! Just wanted to say I found this piece as alluring as an anglerfish. Deep-sea creatures truly are fascinating, and I feel you've managed to capture their energy with your use of verbs. Besides this, I particularly liked the lines:

"A whole world swims undetected,
Unappreciated, understudied."

For me, this was where it became more than just a poem describing deep-sea life, but also their significance to us in general. I like that you did this because it gives your work a more unique perspective.
Here are some general comments:

1.) Seeing as it is a Science-inspired poem, I thought the definition you put in the beginning made sense, though I wish it linked more smoothly with the next stanza. Going from this factual statement to something as energetic as a dancing sea of light was a bit too abrupt for me.

2.) While I liked the sneaky mid-rhyme in ". . . -- a lure to dangle . . . allure" on its own, it comes across as a bit forced or confusing, because the line before it lists "side, and head and esca", of which only the esca dangles. Not sure if I'm making sense here, but perhaps it would be better either to use a verb that applies to all three body parts or to separate the dangling esca from the other two.

Lastly, just as an idea, perhaps you could consider including descriptions of specific colours? Phrases like "patterns" and "sharply contrasting" sort of describe a general presence of colour, but bioluminescence comes in such a variety of hues, it seems a bit of a shame not to spend a couple of words going into detail on that.

Overall, this was a really interesting piece. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you find my comments helpful!




ShadowVyper says...


Thanks for the review! I appreciate it! And I'm impressed you know what an esca is ;) <3



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 1050
Reviews: 8

Donate
Mon Feb 11, 2019 8:41 pm
View Likes
paperforest wrote a review...



I love this! At the very start I was put off a bit by your author's note because it made me think that maybe you'd just copied google's definition into the poem, but then I looked up bioluminescence and you obviously paraphrased the definition (very succintly, too, and it leads into the rest of the poem nicely, sorry about my overly suspicious mind), so all I'm going to say is that you don't really need to credit google for that, because a) google isn't really a proper source anyways if you're doing it to avoid plagiarizing (and I completely understand that reasoning), and b) definitions of normal words like this, unless you're using someone's exact wording, aren't copyrighted - language is free! Anyways, on to the rest of the poem.

In the second stanza here:

Radiance bursting forth from side,
and head, and esca -- a lure to dangle,
allure to mesmerize unknowing prey.

I'm not sure what you mean by "esca --". Is that a fish's body part, or is it the first part of a word that got interrupted by the next phrase? That's sort of the impression the dashes are giving me, like you were about to say something about the light escaping, but if that's the case then I'm not really sure why it's interrupted. The next bit about the lure made me think that esca might be the name for the dangly bit on an anglerfish's lure, but when I looked it up I didn't find anything. I like the a lure/allure bit a lot, although I feel like the word allure doesn't quite fit into the grammar of that phrase the way it is now, like "alluring prey" or "to allure" would make more sense.

I like the third stanza, although I found it hard to visualize anything for it until I got to the third line - I think it might be because "complexity and intrigue" don't really have any concrete imagery, even going by connotations, they just make me think of mazes and spies. Also, although I really like the sound and feel of the line:
Sharply contrasting fins for alarm,

It doesn't quite make sense - I'm getting an image of fins suddenly fanning open and lighting up in alarm/surprise at something, or as a warning to others, but I feel like it could be phrased a bit more clearly.

The fourth stanza, I absolutely love. It's got the utter crushing darkness of the ocean-bottom that I sort of missed in the other stanzas that were talking about the light and beauty, so now we've got the contrast here it makes the lightness seem even brighter. (I almost feel like this should happen earlier so we're aware of the contrast for more of the poem, but that's just my preference, it all depends on the feel you want the poem to have, and the poem isn't really about that contrast so it's good where it is). The only thing I have here is that I at first misread the word "understudied" as "understudies", like in dance/theatre, and that threw me off for a moment.

The last stanza is a nice resolution, although the sudden introduction of "you" was a bit of a surprise, because the rest of the poem has been about the sea and the fish and their bioluminescence, not about this random person the poem is now addressing. I feel like it might fit better with the feel of the rest of the poem to maybe make the "you" into a more general "someone" or ""people" or even a humanity-encompassing "us". Also, the last two lines:
with the admiration and compulsion
to surrender your undivided attention

feel sort of unfinished. It might just be the lack of an ending period, which I'm guessing is just a typo, but I think it's also that it's a bit of a run-on sentence, because by this point in the stanza, I've forgotten how the first part ties into this part, and it feels wrong to just be left hanging, thinking "to surrender my undivided attention . . . attention to what?" I think it could be rephrased to be clearer.

All right, overall I really liked this poem, both the subject itself and the way you presented it, and I like the way the ending suggests a future where more people are entranced by and learning more about these amazing creatures. I loved reading and reviewing it!




ShadowVyper says...


Thanks for the review! I appreciate it!




Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
— Ellen Degeneres