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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Breaker of Chains - Chapter Fifteen

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

For Tenyo's LMS contest. Apologies for the spacing. YWS is weird about that. Enjoy!

Word Count; 963, approx.

Chapter Fifteen

Amara was trying to get the girls into fresh clothing when they knock on the door came, startling them all. She exchanged a glance with Etana, then Baraz and gestured for the door to be answered. Etana answered it with Baraz looming over him. A messenger stood back from the door, looking harried. Amara crossed over to doorway with a frown.

"What's this?" she asked, peering down at the boy with the too big tunic on. The messenger presented her with a neatly folded piece of paper. She glanced towards Baraz before taking it and flipping it open.

"His Highness sends his regards and requests a luncheon with Her Highness," the messenger boy said, head lowered. He stood stiffly, like he was hurt but refused to show it. Amara had to wonder what had happened to him, and considered sending Etana after him to find out if he was injured and how it had happened.

Amara flipped the note open and blinked. "It's a summons," she announced, squinting at the elegant script. "His Highness requests myself and one other." She offered the servant boy a smile. "Thank you. You may go now. Tell him I'll join him."

The boy ducked his head and straightened him. He blinked at her and then turned on his heel, rushing out of the room without a word. Amara stared after him thoughtfully before closing the door. It had been nearly a week since the assassination attempt on Arjana, and the palace had been rather subdued. She didn't blame them. Two assassination attempts within a month? Any noble would be concerned that they were next.

She peered down at the note in her hands again before closing the door and walking towards the roaring fireplace set in the outer wall. "Well," Amara said, tearing the note up into little pieces and tossing those pieces into the flames. "I suppose I best answer his summons, don't you?"

Baraz grunted in response, casually leaning against the nearest wall. Mylitta and Shala hovered near the bed, eyes darting between her and the other two. Amara sighed and looked towards Etana, who was still staring at the closed door, his expression thoughtful. Amara's frown deepened as she watched the Ethei think.

"I imagine this luncheon would be in a formal setting?" Etana queried, still looking at the door thoughtfully. After a moment of silence, he turned to face Amara and flushed, glancing down. "I apologize for my outburst."

Amara chuckled and waved a hand at the statement. "It's fine," she replied, turning away. She considered the idea for a moment, then what the note had said and nodded. "Formal, yes. Why don't you pick out something suitable for lunch with a royal, Etana?"

Etana was only too glad to help find something appropriate, and within the hour, Amara was heading down a hallway with Baraz and several palace guards. They were far too glad to show her to the way, but Amara didn't mind. It left her time to think. Being a guest in the palace was much more pleasant that being a prisoner, but she still wasn't really a guest. Amara knew she was still a prisoner. It was just a matter of time before she went from prisoner to something else. What that was, she wasn't sure, and dreaded the possibilities.

"Your Highness?" one of the guards said, dragging Amara out of her thoughts. She offered him a smile when he gestured towards a set of doors already held open for her. Amara glided through and waited until Baraz was also in the room before gesturing for the guards to close the doors. She turned her back on the now firmly shut doors and her smile grew when she saw Arjana already waiting for you.

"Amara," he said fondly, returning the bright smile. "Please, sit. Lunch will be served momentarily."

Amara took a seat at the table, smoothing out her bright blue skirt. She waited until Baraz was settled by the door before meeting Arjana's gaze. The Tahirnan prince met her gaze steadily, still smiling. Amara caught a glimpse of someone behind him and frowned. Rindal stood against the far wall, leaning causally in the doorway. She frowned at him and leaned forwards.

"I thought this would be a private lunch," she said in a low voice, keeping an eye on the lecherous man. "What is he doing here?"

At first, Arjana appeared confused, but then he turned to fix Rindal with a dark look. After a moment, he heaved a sigh and turned back to face her. The prince looked concerned. "He's standing in as bodyguard for Kaiser until Kaiser wakes up....or dies."

Amara nodded curtly and leaned back in her seat. "Very well," she muttered and fell silent.

Only a few minutes later, several servants entered the room bearing trays. Lunch was served. The servants laid out a nicely presented selection of season meats, vegetables and fresh fruits. Once it was all laid out and the servants were gone, Arjana and Amara began to eat and talk--of course, they discussed meaningless things. Amara was wary of discussing their other plans with Rindal present, and Arjana seemed to pick up on it.

They were halfway through the fruit when a harried servant burst into the room. Arjana was on his feet before the door hit the wall. Amara twisted to stare at the intruder, confused. The servant took a moment to catch his breath before he straightened and looked to the prince.

"There is news, Your Highness," he panted, eyes wide. Arjana gestured for him to continue. "The Emperor is dead."


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494 Reviews


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Tue Feb 02, 2016 11:28 pm
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey Sarli! I haven't read your other chapters so I'll be a bit confused, but I'll do my best!

First of all, I really like the way your characters interact, and that your characters actually DO things! I don't know, I just like it when actions of characters are actually noted... sometimes people sort of forget characters have more than a mouth and legs- even myself admittedly! It was nice, in any case, and I felt I got a good feel for Amara... which I'm surprised since all I've read is this chapter.

...and her smile grew when she saw Arjana already waiting for you.


I could be wrong, but that 'you' on the end seems like an accident- I just thought it was an interesting typo and/or a switch from third person to second person. I just thought I'd point it out.

One thing I thought I'd mention, is whenever I read books and there's a food scene, I tend to enjoy it when there's some nice description of what the food's like. For your lunch scene you did let us know what the meal consisted of, sort of, but it didn't make my mouth water. What did the lunch smell like? What did it taste like? Maybe Amara didn't have a huge appetite, or maybe she was starving, or maybe she's used to this kind of food however fancy or bland it might be- but I don't know, and I'd like to know. It doesn't mean you have to go all crazy descriptive, but food is a chance to play around with multiple senses that you add to the... texture of your story. I keep forgetting to say though, of course it's totally up to you, it's just a suggestion!

What a shocking ending to this chapter though. I'm excited to see what happens! I'm not sure if I'll be following this but I think you'll certainly see a bit more from me as you still have some more chapters in the GR I believe! KEEP IT UP!!!

-Holy




ScarlettFire says...


Thanks for the review, Holy! Yeah, that you was an accident. I don't know what made me write that. Yay for being tired but inspired! lol

As for the meal. Amara, if I'm remembering my thoughts while writing this correctly, wasn't really that interested in the meal? I don't think she had much of an appetite here? I really need to edit this novel. x.x



Holysocks says...


No problem! c:



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Tue Feb 02, 2016 11:27 pm
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

Haven't read previous parts. Just going off what I see here.

The boy ducked his head and straightened him.


"Him" makes no sense here.

she saw Arjana already waiting for you.


PoV switch.

-

This is all very... external.

You have a syntax which emphasizes actions over introspection, and while it is important to have characters interacting with each other, none of these interactions actually feel like they're revealing anything about the characters. It's all very flat, one note.

It's even more frustrating because each character has their own voice but they don't feel like they have motives. There's just a certain amount of richness missing where everything feels like a cheese board— they all have different shapes and roles and they're recognizable, somewhat (I struggled to keep track of everyone but, as I said, I haven't read), but they seem to lack any sort of individual will. They're simply being moved here and there instead of it being an actual game.

Even so late in the story, even with only getting snippets, I still want to get a feel for the characters. Right now, I'm not getting that. I'd check out these two articles and generally just get inside the characters' heads more. Remember that even if they're on the same side, they have differing goals and perspectives on what is the correct thing to do.

Overall, this was hard to relate to just because I feel you never gave us an in. The door remains shut with everything based on us knowing what the full context of the story was, instead of carrying through the characterization from earlier chapters. I didn't feel like any of the past was truly reflected in here, past the odd mention of "of course everyone was on edge" (told, not shown) and "she didn't want to discuss plans with that man around" (again, not really reflected in her internal narrative).

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




ScarlettFire says...


Thanks for the review, Rosey! And thanks for pointing those out, and for the links to the articles. As it's an LMS novel and only a first draft, it's needs major editing. I think you can tell when I was tired and inspired but had major blockage. x.x I really need to edit this entire novel.



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Tue Feb 02, 2016 7:57 pm
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hey, Scar! So you know I'm not all caught up and well-versed in BoC by this point, so let me jump into what I have for this chapter alone!

Etana answered it with Baraz looming over him. A messenger stood back from the door, looking harried. Amara crossed over to doorway with a frown.
So I know I touched on this in my other reviews, but the syntax problem is carrying over into the rest of the novel. I don't think this would be so high on my list of pet peeves for BoC if it wasn't so...dry, I guess.

There's really no sense of voice to any of it—you change point of view between chapters, but any one of your characters has the same voice and narration as all the rest. Voice is one of the most important parts of narration, as I'm sure you know, but if you dropped the names, then I wouldn't really be able to tell which of your viewpoint characters is narrating any given scene. I'd definitely suggest sitting down with your characters and figuring out quirks in their voice and, most importantly, what they might notice in a scene.

I don't know your characters perfectly, but I can give you a general rule: No two characters in a scene should notice the exact same thing and have the exact same line of thought about it. When I can't tell what your characters might think individually about something, when they blend into a hivemind of plot devices, then you might have a bit of a problem with individuality in personality and voice.

The way you're writing this—and I know it's a first draft and an LMS novel, so I'm not expecting it to be perfect, haha—is, in a word, repellent to prospective readers. Because of the repetitive syntax and the lack of voice, it's hard for me to get into it, and I find myself slogging through paragraphs that are nothing but "He verbed. She verbed and verbed. They verbed, verbing."

I think that's about all for this review; don't want to bog you down with too much! You know the drill—keep writing!





Bananas
— looseleaf