We were circles in a square world
Sore thumbs among the bandaged and healed
United we stood
Against cold fronts
And blustering blizzards
We braved the world with a small army at hand
Millions of hexagons that didn't know where they fit in
So they followed us
Because the squares were too stiff
And they just wanted to roll
We threw ourselves over the flickering candles
That manged to warm our souls for some time
Our bodies put out the flames
That threw dancing images across the walls
Which entertained us
But no longer met the quota
They just weren't enough
And were not needed
But death by our hand was better
Than death by the snow
And by the harsh water guns held in the hands of asymmetrical demons
That didn't care
Yeah, we had out hexagons
And our triangles that came soon after
Who were teased for their missing point
And joined our world of no definite ends
Where anyone could fit in
We even had a square
Who was tired of his four-point life
And just wanted a few curves
We had our little gang
Of hearts and stars and diamonds
But we were the only circles
And we were always alone
Because no one else understood
How it felt to roll
And roll
And roll
And never stop
Hello. Dogsrule5 here to review!
Let's start with nitpicks. I only saw one nitpick and that is...
Okay I found a lot of things wrong with this, ending, but I will tell you, so you can fix those mistakes.
1. In the second line instead of saying hearts and stars and diamonds, you should put a comma after hearts, and stars.
Example. Hearts, stars, and diamonds.
2. You should put a comma after the second line, after the word diamonds.
Example. Hearts, stars, and diamonds,
3. Then you need another comma, or period after the third line.
Example. But we were only circles,
4. After the forth line you need another comma.
Example. And we were always alone,
5. After the fifth line you need a comma.
Example. Because no one understood,
Then there is nothing wrong with the last line, so you can leave that line the way it is.
Sorry if I sound kind of harsh, because I am not trying to be, I am just trying to help.
I thought your grammar, spelling, and punctuation was good too.
I really liked your poem, and I hope you keep up the great writing.
Love,
Dogsrule5
Hi there.
So, I guess the beginning of this review is predictable: awesome. BTW, I only review stuff I like because the lack of motivation makes my reviews super-mean otherwise, so I guess a nice intro into any review I do ever is superfluous, but whatever.
Your punctuation felt icky at times. I am by no means an expert as regards punctuation. However, here you're toying with the meaning of what you say, and that is a perilous, perilous undertaking. I suggest adding a hiphon after "blizzards" and a full stop after "hand". This is a POINT: look at punctuation - not just in this example which I've magicked up with my accomplished bbcode skillz.
I really felt the metaphor in the first stanza. Not so much in the second. It feels like you're shoving too many different contexts and metaphors into one picture. You have the candles - in my humble opinion, your love for one another, or simply an upstarting optimism of some kind. I don't know, I don't know you. /goes away. Then you put out the flames with your bodies. Well, that sounds like the love-making of love killed it for you. But apparently, that was better than the apathy that would have developed between you in any case - the snow. Love entertained you for a while, but became insufficient with time. I think this is the maximum capacity for this stanza. But you go on - asymmetrical demons help your bodies to put out the flames, and don't give a damn about it either (bastards).
Too - many - cooks - cooking - the - darn - broth.
(Do Americans say that? Too many cooks spoil the broth. Imagine I said that in a really rural Irishy accent.)
After the second stanza, things make me happy again. You pick up the metaphor that got lost in stanza 2, you simplify again, and make the implications of being cornered versus round an explicit factor in the metaphor. I think it's important to note here that your strength is definitely simplicity of composition- it's where you stray from that that things get icky.
*gnaws at bone*
Ah this is old. Don't look at it. xD
So, your imagery and such is fine and I think I'm going to leave it alone.
What stands out to me, though, is a lack of consistent meter. Your first two lines establish one nicely, but then the rest of the stanza goes off on its own, with no regard to what was established before. Plus, with how all over I find your rhythm, I'm not sure I can offer anything concrete about how to tighten it up... if you don't mind me playing with your first stanza, I can point out a few things, and where I find the rhythm hard to follow? It's hard even with the best examples, for sure. But, yeah.
We were circles in a square world
Sore thumbs among the bandaged and healed
United we stood against the cold you need something a teeny bit different from what you had - emphasis was driving me to read away from "cold" and to emphasize "front" instead, which I don't think is what you wanted?
And blustering blizzardswell, maybe strike it out. I'm not sureWe braved the world, small army at hand -
hexagons who didn't know
where they fit -
So they followed us,
Because the squares were too stiff
And just wanted to roll
Anyway, so that's just a bit of playing. I cleaned up a couple of they/it/who/that references to make it so all the shapes were personified. If you're doing that, you'll want to keep all pronouns as who/he/she, not the it/that you had in one or two places, especially in keeping with the "we" of your narrator. I love how you play with the idea of rolling - one suggestion for the end of this, though - I'd recommend not separating "and roll/and roll" with line breaks of any kind, but rather a simple comma, and keep them on the same time. Not sure you need "and never stop," but that's mostly just personal preference than anything. I'd rather see "and roll and roll and roll" with the implied "never stop" than to see it outright.
Anyway! I enjoyed what you've done with this - and I do have to agree with 'Rina about the Flatland bits, much as I didn't like reading it when I was forced to in highschool ^^
-
Ooooo... this is a really neat idea! Or maybe I'm just biased toward it because it is mathematical? Anyway, this reminds me of Edwin Abbott Abbott's "Flatland." Which, if you haven't read it yet, you should. Because it's awesome. (And yes, Edwin Abbott Abbott is his real name.)
Anyway! I really really like the ending, when you talk about rolling. I mean, some of the description about fighting in wars and everything was interesting, but when you were talking about rolling... well... that is just so unique to a circle that it's a really poignant image. Before when you were talking about they were such outcasts to society, it was one thing, but that image really set things off and had such a neat emotional layering to it.
Also, just because some people will say this a lot... that's the different between showing and telling. Writers generally make a really big deal, and it's almost cliched to say, "Show, don't tell." And telling is when you tell us things. For instance, the battle stories you told us of the circles and squares. And it was neat! Very Flatlandish of you. But, when you started rolling... that's when you showed.
So, just keep this in mind! Very nice stuff here.