When you enter high school they ask,
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
You say, "In college."
You say, "New York."
You say, "Anywhere but here."
No one ever says, "Smoking on my best friend's balcony in a foreign town,
using big words to impress the guy with all the tattoos."
I did not plan to end up here.
.
You look gentle when you take your glasses off.
My past has never let me know a gentle man so this is strange
and terrifying, but exciting and you are helping me
learn how those three things can exist in one shaking inhale of breath,
in fingertips on the nape of my neck,
in fingertips on the inside of my wrists,
in fingertips on the points of my hipbones.
This is scary.
.
I've only been acquainted with rough palms.
I have been manhandled so many times
I've convinced myself that was the way I liked it.
When I flinch you move away.
I do not know "thank you" in enough languages.
.
I wish I were a better artist.
I would spend a whole day trying to sketch
the squint of your eyes when you're laughing
too hard to breathe, another on the bow of your
upper lip and the way your nose crinkles when you yawn -
you are most beautiful in the moments before
your brain decides it is time to dream.
.
I don't date country boys.
My type is poetic train wreck,
boys too far into their own head
so they can not notice me too much.
When you visit you smell like hard work and hot days -
which is a nice way of saying "farm".
Your accent is worse than mine.
You pay too much attention to your surroundings
but I can not help but surround you.
.
Ask me where do I see myself in five years.
The answer will be wherever your shadow falls.
I hope to never change my mind.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
So I was checking out your stuff and this caught my eye - I'm not going to rate this as a review because it will probably just be gushing.
Alright, how can I phrase this and preserve my intelligence.
I think I had an open mouth at one point. Like, hanging past my jawline open. I don't wonder that you see my sentences as over-crowded - you have a very beautiful, simplified way of saying things that cuts through the protective layer of flubber and gets right to the core.
I'm feeling wistful at the moment, and it's ..partly your fault!
Actually, I think I will make this a review. I need stars.
This is one of my favourite lines. You encapsulate that tender feeling of discovering something new about a person, the strange confusion that comes before being completely keeled over, so perfectly.
Okay, I've slobbered enough.
Some things though I did find problematic.
For one, and this is completely subjective, while the poem begins on a note of surprise, it also seems almost.. regretful? As if throughout the poem you first have to discover your love. OF COURSE I'm still not entirely sure if you're speaking about the same person throughout, or contrast "tattoo guy" with "farm guy". If so, then that's awesome.
Here, I would have left out the "to". I'm not the best at explaining grammar, but I'm quite intuitive about its use. Anyway, that word seems a bit superfluous. Ironic, hah?
There are several more cases where I'd have changed wording, but that's neither here nor there, so I'll leave this as it is and congratulate you on deciding me that it's time I uploaded more poetry
also, dang I hope I've mastered bbcode.
Thanks, Baesch! And I totally agree about that line. It never sat well with me and it turns out I just needed to remove a word. It's always the little things that make a huge difference.
And yeah, it's the same guy. xD He's a complex thing. Tattooed, raver, farm boy.
This is so cool on so many levels. Well done!
Thanks! ^^
@cleverclogs I wrote this at the start of me and my boyfriend's relationship - hence the title - and wasn't gonna post it because it was just a sappy "I adore you" poem. But now things are changing a little and I still adore him but it's complicated. I crossed the last line out because when I wrote this that line was 100% true as far as I was concerned, but now the future is looking hazy and I might just have to change my mind.
So the line is crossed out, not erased. Nothing's set in stone.
Ah, I see. Thanks for clarifying!
I agree with @cleverclogs, this is a beautiful piece with a great story. It is almost wishful how it is written. I don't understand how you think this isn't good. It is so deep and thoughtful.
I just love it it causes the feels to come out and that doesn't happen very often. It was definitely beautiful and well written. I could completely picture both characters in here and both if their situations.
Well done and I commend you for your work.
Aw, you're too hard on yourself! This isn't a piece of trash, it's actually quite good!
This is really cute and sweet. There are a few mistakes that need to be pointed out, though.
High school is two words.
No biggie here either, just a misspelling of crinkles.
I'm not sure why you crossed out the last line. Is this because you changed your mind about the person you wrote this about? It'd be nice if you could clarify.
That's really all the grammar mistakes I could find. This seems pretty well-edited.
I really like the way this is written. There's a lot of love and emotion put into it, and sometimes the wording is just so poetic. The tie-in at the end with the five years is perfect to the beginning. I applaud you on that. I like the emphasis on how the gentleness is scary. It made the poem really sweet. This is just really lovely.
There's not much else to say, other than well done and keep up the FANTASTIC work!
Thanks for the tips. Spell check should have caught that but I guess I overlooked it xD
No problem!