i know things i do not tell myself
rather
keep hidden in the biggest parts of me -
a forbidden book
in a dusty library
.
i am not the person i expect from me
rather
i say everything i mean
to keep behind a closed lid -
papercuts on chapped lips
papercuts on a tongue tired of the truth
.
i am nothing that i wanted to be
rather
i am floating
.
rather i am drifting in between ideals
.
rather i am searching for anything but this reality
.
rather i am searching for something better than what has come to be
.
or simply i am lost
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey there this is Spartan 118 with a quick short review for you.
To start I see you use a repetitive word a lot throughout this poem and that's fine yet at the same time it also shows you're hiding something that you don't want out. Second I think the periods between stanzas is just a little too much for spacing unless you meant to put them at the end of the line and didn't notice that then I suggest fixing it. My third thing is grammar and I don't see anything wrong so that's good. I like the poem cause it shows that you're hiding something from someone or family or something and how you managed to put it into words that's honestly one of the best ways of do it.
All in all this poem was good hope you keep up he good work and good luck with your next work.
The poem was pretty good. It speaks to me since I was in this state a few weeks ago. I love the use of rather because it shows confusion. I have a nitpick about that however. I would suggest maybe putting space between the separate rathers in the poem so that the reader can imagine the pause you seem to portray in the poem. I would also add that you should add punctuation at the end of the lines to show that a new thought is being revealed. Without the proper punctuation the poem just flows loosely and the pauses you show in your separated rathers seem void. Also, I want to say that be mindful that everyone has their own style of writing so besides the punctuation errors and maybe the missing capitalized words (which may also fall into writing style category) take everything with a grain of salt and don't conform your style. That was just advice from me but overall the poem is fantastic. You could possibly use more figurative language but if it hinders the poem I would just keep what you have already. Have a great day and continue to write!