I've caught myself in the habit of staring
at my thighs when I walk. I don't know
if this means I need to call my doctor.
.
I've noticed myself reciting the exact
number of calories in every little
thing that passes my lips;
there are less than five in a stick of Trident,
I go through a pack a day.
.
I can eat only two California rolls
without feeling guilty.
They are 40 calories each and
triple digits scare me.
I do not know if I should call my doctor.
.
My tights are getting baggy which I find
vaguely funny but mostly sad.
I've weighed myself five times today
and that number has changed twice.
My mother says I should call my doctor.
.
I do not want to call my doctor.
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I see this as something that just starts perfectly. The second stanza is your best, too me. It shows the reader that it is an obsession rather then a feeling. The first stanza is nice as well, it is a play on words that is refreshing and gets the readers attention. It's almost like writing down your symptoms in order starting with "constant staring at thighs, and then reciting calories like it's a disease." Most obviously, it is more of a symptom with the character not feeling okay about who he/she is. That understanding is never said but it is shown and also, the character might not even know themselves, which is rather interesting to me. Very well done.
What I didn't like was your choice to use repetition. It seems forced and it seemed to take the flow of your poem away rather than add to it. Which, is completely up to debate at this point. Usually, as I like to understand repetition, it is only effective when what the phrase is emotional and sometimes it can also bring a lyrical value to the poem. Which the phrase is, sorry to say, very distant and unemotional.
Monster, your avi is THE BEST
Isn't it! I feel like I'm getting sarcastic applause for my poem. xD It gave me a few giggles.
Thanks guys
The avatar scared me when I first saw it, but now I don't mind as much.
heath ledger can be a little scary sometimes
Haha this was so cool, I love it how you repeat that line with doctor in it.I think this poem goes about to make choices on our own, we don't need always our mom to make choices,
it was also really cool that you written this in this poem, we don't need always a doctor for help, sometimes we can solve our own problems ;--)
I like poems cause they are like songs, when I read them they make me happy and they let me sing, poems are stronger then medicines sometimes.
D.
Wow, really haunting. I just have a couple nitpicks, so apologies in advance for that.
1. The punctuation gets a little wonky in this bit:
I'd change the semi-colon to a period and the comma to a colon (or you could reverse that). It's not a big deal, but it can be a little distracting.
2. I know you wanted the "I do not know" in this bit to echo the "I do not know"s of before, but I think you could cut that because you have the variation on the "I do not know" in the following line. This bit:
So those are my only suggestions. Otherwise this was perfect. I especially loved the stanza about counting calories, and the line "triple digits scare me." Wow. Haunting, almost spooky. Awesome job.
Blue
Thanks, Blue! It actually sounds much better without that.
I love this!
Hello ReisePiecey! Pumpkincat here to review your work "Signs." This is a delightful little poem and I found about nothing to fix. I love how you state about not knowing if you should call your doctor and then at the end it adds a bit of humor with "I do not want to call my doctor." I really have nothing else to say about this other then it is a great poem and I rarely give out 10/10 rating but you have surely hit the mark! 10/10 Great work
P.C out!