I've watched you weigh pro and cons,
saw life, as a decision,
teeter-totter in your eyes.
.
I've watched you bend your body to pray
at a computer desk alter
lined with lines of sparkle;
we called it Candy,
we called it clearing sinuses,
we called it joy - or life, or both -
either way we were wrong,
and we were out.
.
I've watched you laugh and leap from the bridge
into water almost shallow,
but not enough to break anything important -
just my heart, and your spirit.
.
I've watched you sniff scent
right from its origin;
saw happiness stick to your nose;
witnessed happiness seep from your pores;
felt sadness in its entirety.
.
I've watched you jump, again,
on a dry day,
into water almost shallow,
but not enough to save anything important.
.
So I kneel now at this alter.
I call it happiness
- artificial, but joy just the same.
I call it clearing my head
to make room for just you,
or rather the memories
and a bridge.
.
We were never strong.
Never pretended to be anything
more than addicts, addiction
we both know too well-
you knew it too well,
saw life as a contemplation.
We got what we deserved.
.
You fell from the seesaw,
and I hit the ground.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey ReisePiecey! I don't believe we've met, I'm Tennis
First of all, I really enjoyed this piece, but it made me feel a little depressed (which means you have done your job as a poet) because it reminded me of a friend I used to have.
Secondly, you use excellent imagery here. The teeter-totter seems to me to represent some kind of childhood innocence or friendship, which is juxtaposed with the harshness of adult life, self-harm and addiction.
I adore this: "but not enough to break anything important - / just my heart, and your spirit."
I feel like semi-colons are slightly overused here: "right from its origin; / saw happiness stick to your nose; / witnessed happiness seep from your pores;"
Overall, I have no major improvements to suggest for this piece. You hit home with your message and use just the right imagery to present it. An emotionally moving and structurally sound piece - great work!
Hi, its wonderland ashes.
This poem is honestly one of the best I've ever read. Usually when I review things, I like to have constructive criticism. But honestly, with this, I can't. The only advice I can give you is to keep writing, because your talent can't be matched. I hope things take a positive turn in your life, because I know that you must be going through a very hard time right now with your friend. Thank you for sharing this work of art with the world, and keep up the incredible work.
Oh, thank you so much! You're so kind xD
This is so heart felt and sad :'( omg I forgot! My name is RainbowPowerPonies You can call me RP or RainbowPower. I'm reviewing your work now.
NOW, this poem doh all the sadness :'(
Is dish a real story? This friend of yours going to rehab? If so I cry for you sir :'''''''''''''''(
(those are many tears)
this is beautiful, I hope your friend is doing well, now reviewing,
This is beautifully written and heartfelt
Your grammar is a wonder of the modern world
and
Your spelling is worthy to the eyes of a queen or king or president.
I found NO mistakes that could be any source of lit crit.
I want to mention that the 15th line is a little unclear.
'just my heart, and your spirit' I don't understand it could you please clear it up with me personally?
I had two favorite lines:
I've watched you jump, again,
on a dry day,
into water almost shallow,
but not enough to save anything important.
and
I've watched you bend your body to pray
at a computer desk alter
lined with lines of sparkle;
we called it Candy,
we called it clearing sinuses,
we called it joy - or life, or both -
either way we were wrong,
and we were out.
These first two lines of your poem are really good because they are more powerful than anything I know.
I hope your friend gets out of rehab and you keep writing
I really want to read more from you.
To leave on a good note
Keep Writing, I'll Be Reading
~RainbowPowerPonies
Hey... Sybil here...
I'll just want to say that I think this poem is great. I could sense your sadness and pain, sympathy too. I also liked the repetition of the lines, it gives a sort of lyrical feel to it. I also liked the imagery you used, beautiful description. Very bitter sweet in a way. It was very good, really.
Hope your friend gets better!
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)
Hi! Zhia here to review your wonderful poem!!
First of all-- D: That's so sad! Your friend is in rehab? <3 A million hearts to you and her/him.
Okay, so, the actual review starts here. I really felt this poem. It made me sort of sad, but in a good way. You are an incredible poet!! One of my favorite lines from this is:
That is one of my favorite lines. Artificial is the perfect word for these lines. (I'm not the best poetry reviewer person, so deal with me. XD) It sort of made me feel... something almost like Deja Vu, but not quite. Maybe? I have no clue if there's even a word for it. Also, if I'm interpreting this wrong, tell me. I know the feeling when someone reviews a poem, and it's not exactly the way you saw it. So, um, lol.
Another line that I loved, my favorite, actually, are the last two.
The lines are logical, in a way. That's not the true meaning though, is it? XD To me, they mean something along the lines of this: They had to leave, they were broken in a way, and you were so close that you were like the same people or something? I don't honestly know.
I don't have any nitpicks as of now, so thank you SO MUCH for an INCREDIBLE read!
Review by: Zhia the Great
Deleted blank comment for you~ :3
Thanks!