Another night stuffed in the backseat of a stranger's car, bouncing with the terrain, eyes glassy and glazed, dreaming a dream far too faded to sustain in this reality of broken-record minds and days that bleed into one never ending infinity of worn shoes and whispers at bars into willing ears, "Take me anywhere." I knew you were a liar when you said you'd never done this before.
Headlights illuminate the air above the city, our secrets, and the cliff so precariously perched at the edge of still dwindling modesty. How funny it is that our aimless paths have led us to a point so precise in location. We look over the edge and can almost see the bottom of the cavern that shelters our inhibitions.
This is not rehearsal. No time for re-reading scripts, there are things to be entertained and the moon forbids the break of character. I can see the glint of ecstasy in your eyes as you take center stage. Never before have I been so drawn to someone who knew all of their lines, who put me in the audience with the rest of the adoring faces instead of in the spotlight. You knew where I belonged. You've done this before.
I remember when you hung all of the paintings in our apartment crooked. You said, "There can be nothing gained from starring at straight lines. They coral the wilderness of our thoughts into waiting lines for slaughter houses and we will not speak butcher here." Sometimes in my nightmares I hear whirring blades and screaming cattle. When I wake I see the paintings hung askew on the walls. I wonder if you were the shepherd all along.
A/N: I didn't know how to break this into nice, pretty stanzas and lines so have it as is. Also, go watch "Kill Your Darlings" if you're of appropriate age.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey, Retro here for a review!
and how good is "Kill your Darlings"? I loved it!
anyway onto my review! The general spelling mistakes Magpie has pointed out so I won't do them, however, I do wish to talk about content.
This is, i'm assuming, from the perspective of Ginsberg. And I think this idea needs to be reenforced more. If your adapting from something I think the best thing to do is to give the audience an anchor to its roots. For example, throughout the film he says Alan and Ginsberg a lot. Naturally, they are his name so why wouldn't he, but this characterisation you could intergreate within the prose. Such as "Ginsberg, there can be nothing gained from starring at straight lines". I think this sort of thing would make the piece stand out even more!
However, in terms of your characterisation I think you have this spot on. The relationship between them was so intriguing in the film and I think you really have pulled it out of the bag here. You have the venacular down to a tee and I think that is what makes it seem that much more beliveable. You give us some great imagery as well, especially about the cattle. So, overall I think this is outstanding.
All of those comments are of course if it is Ginsberg and Carr, but even if not I think this is a really good well written piece!
*Liked*
~Retro
Hi there!
You need different punctuation here. Perhaps a dash? The comma suggests that you've tagged the dialogue normally, but you haven't.All right, so prose poetry is not what I usually review, so if I say something that doesn't make sense for prose poetry, please ignore it.
First, I'll address the few grammar and spelling issues that I saw.
The comma after scripts should be a semi-colon, as this sentence is a comma splice.
This should be "staring"
This should be "corral"
All right.
So the overall piece was kind of confusing to me. At first, I think this is going to be a scene from the backseat of the stranger's car, but then you talk about paintings in an apartment, and someone who obviously lived with the narrator. I think a bit more division than just a stanza break should be inserted. Perhaps roman numerals for different sections? Or, since it's really only that one stanza that feels out of place, you could put brackets or parentheses around the last stanza.
The first sentence you start with is waaaaay too long. It took me several tries to read it and understand what was going on. I'd break it up into smaller sections.
This section doesn't quite feel like the rest of the poem. I'd break it up more, perhaps to the point of sentence fragments. I feel like it would sound better within the scheme of the poem. I also try to stay away from the narrator saying "I feel" because it tends to take the reader out of the world of the poem. Perhaps say something like this:
"the glint of ecstasy in your eyes as you take center stage-- you know all the lines, put me in the audience, yet I am drawn to you, a moth to the spotlight."
I really like the last stanza. It's beautiful.
As a side note, it was difficult for me to read because it was completely italicized. Just something to think about.
I hope that this review was helpful to you! Happy poeting!