i’ve come in with the fall
.
petite teacup broken
pieces stuck in plaster
.
i heard you screaming
shattered jaw
"deliver me from this dark”
.
mais mon coeur
chercher
you plague your own bones
casse cocon
.
this could set you free
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey, it's RossLighting here, time to review
First of all, I know people who have panic attacks. It's horrible to see them in such pain and suffering. I also wonder if you suffer from them, but it's ok if you don't tell me. Then again, the different language you put in makes me feel like you are French, or at least grew up their. The paragraphing (is that a word??) was different, but new and fresh. I enjoyed it, but didn't really understand it. You seem to have wrote quite a lot of other poems as well, that's cool
Keep writing!
-Ross
My mom's dad was French, but I've never been there before. I do "study" the language though. And yes I have written quite a few poems lol YWS might as well be my diary
Whatcha here for a review!
I also love the use of French!
The thing that intrigued me first was 'casually panicked' or whatever the description said
I believe all lowercase was for style, so I'm not going to say capitalize your 'i's
So, part by part -
1. 'i've come in with the fall' I take to mean 'i've fallen'? It might make more sense if you simply say 'i've fallen'. Maybe, though, I don't understand what you're saying.
2. 'petite teacup broken
pieces stuck in plaster'
Just one question - are you referring to the teacup pieces? Maybe not, but try to specify. Anyways, great stanza!
3. 'i heard you screaming shattered jaw ''deliver me from this dark'' '.
Shattered jaw? Don't quite understand, but it might just be me. You could try, 'shattering glass' or something.
4. 'mais mon coeur' I believe this means 'but my heart', and 'chercher' means 'to look [for]'.
Might be that I'm translating literally (I'm not fluent or native, just . . . learning), but it doesn't quite make sense to me. Maybe I don't know enough about French poetry
5. 'you plague your own bones'
I love you didn't say 'you plague yourself'! A change of scenery! Yay!
6. 'casse cocon' means cocoon, right? Again, I don't feel competent in criticising poetry in another language.
7. 'this could set you free'
What could set you free? Explain!
Altogether, love it!
Truly, keep writing. Again, I love you used two languages.
~whatcha