I've spent so long mapping your body
that the plains of my own have become lore,
and while I do not mind
you knowing every bump of the ribcage
straining against my chest, I detest
that I have forgotten my own skin.
.
This is not a breakup.
.
I just need time alone.
.
Because to say I love myself
more than I love you would be a lie,
and that's not right.
.
Baby, this is wrong.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi there, reisepiecy. Storybraniac here to review the longest break ever for Paint the roses red (yeah we rock). This is a very nice piece. I liked the ending part as usual
.
Because to say I love myself
more than I love you would be a lie,
and that's not right.
.
Baby, this is wrong.
And I think fortis's right about planes and plains. I think you should correct it. But overall this is a very good poem. Keep writing. A definite like from me.
Storybraniac.
Pony123 here to review your work. Happy Review Day!
Your poem is a very simple, short and to the point poem. I like that. I especially like the last line. I also like "Because to say I love myself" Part. The beginning is great. I like how you used, "Mapping" Nice imagery. I think you might use more though. It seems kind of boring with out it. Not an excessive amount, just a few words here and there that make us think.
Good Job!
Pony123
Strange here and I got a review for you!
Im going to start off with the pros.
First off, this is short and sweet. As much as I love short poems because it is less reading, this works just fine. The overall theme works well too. I thought thid was going to be from a teen's point of view going to her grandpa's or something. Instead, I got a delicate surprise. I liked it most of all because of what it's about. It does speak well. How one is losing their self over someone else, but doesn't want to lose their inner self. They also don't want to lose him.
I'm horrible at pointing out cons so I got nothing
Overall, I really enjoy it
Strange gives you...
9.1/10
Good job
Keep writing
Hello!
What immediately struck me was the honesty of this poem. You just convey your feelings with such emotion, using great images to help. I really like the imagery in the first stanza. The flow was very nice as well. Nothing seemed awkward in this at all.
I would say it's too simple, but making it more complicated would make the emotion sound forced, and would detract from the honesty that shines through, so I basically like it just how it is.
There's only a couple little technical things I have to comment on. First I think you meant to say "planes" instead of "plains." That's if you're talking about the math term of like, a flat... plane. "Plains" might work too, if you're actually trying to describe like a prairie or something, but I do think you meant the other one.
Also, your first stanza is one, long sentence. I think the reader might get less out-of-breath mentally if you broke it into two sentences. But speaking in one long sentence like you have is quite common, so the run-on quality of it kind of adds to the honesty.
Anyway, I like this poem. Great work! Keep writing!
~fortis
This is a really sweet short poem. It looks nice the way you arranged it. It adds a certain rhythm to the poem. I liked it. I really liked it when it said "Baby, this is wrong." Thankyou for this poem.