Young Writers Society

I'm in love with this.

I think it's a good attempt, with a unique style, though I cannot tell which elements are stylistic choices that are attached to the themes of the poem, if something I comment on that is the case, you're more then welcome to ignore it.

Punctuation, capitalisation, and general grammar is off, though there are no periods to end the sentences and cause a capital letter to be used, the 'I's prevalent in the poem do not use capitals, though I noticed the very start of the poem did not utilise a capital, so I assume this is a stylistic choice. There are random periods that are placed throughout the poem too, and the overall spacing of the lines makes it somewhat hard to read, and can make the poem lose effect, at least for I.

Regarding the poem's messages and themes, I liked them; the fabrication of a love that you long for in another and in the end, against all hopes, they validate your fears in search of another to perpetrate the satisfaction of their own desires and all you're left with is memories and longing. Though the poem does seem somewhat one-dimensional, often a fantastic poem is one that offers many perspectives or narratives, requiring you to read it a couple of times to be able to come to a conclusion on what it is actually about, and thus is subjective in its interpretation, while your poem is somewhat closed in its capacity for interpretation, but if that is what you're aiming for, I think it's fine.

I like some of the choices you made in your expression, such as "smiting", and this line was really strong for me; "when i think to be strong my bones curl and ash spills out on the floor", I also liked the repetition of the idea of bones, such as "marrow" on the first line, and the use of "bone" in the aforementioned line.

In short, I believe it was a good construct, but be sure to look over your stylistic choices and potentially think about other ways you could write it.

Hi, J here for a review.
I'm not sure if I just didn't understand this poem or it just didn't make much sense, but here we go I'm gonna try to help make this poem a little easier to like.
Grammar.
Smoking skin red and molten in too deep" Your period is below the sentence and it should be at the end of deep. This also happens in line 11 as well.
You need to have commas in several places: after "plunged you" in line 3, after "than me" in line 5, after "my scars hurt" in line 10, and after "one day" in line 15.
You need to have a period after line 6.
Structure.
I'm not sure where to begin with this, your structure was just off. You need to have stanzas instead of lines floating in space. Like lines 1-4 can be together, as can lines 5-9 and 10-15. If you put these together you have stanzas and it makes everything easier to read and understand.
Also I may just be dumb but line 9 is not making much sense to me. what is the birdsong and why does he need it for his migraine?
Anyway this was a good poem with a nice subject matter, all it needs is some work with grammar and structure.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!