We live in the memory of history,
our closed eyelids are the vista,
to many a beautiful scene.
While we work and play,
during the varying day,
once you do bed,
your too tired head,
you truly come to life.
We live in those moments,
the seconds between the night and day.
When time pauses,
and silence reigns.
We can see through new lenses,
unbiased and fresh.
Life til now is memories,
and until tomorrow night,
tomorrow is but a premonition.
We live in the moments between night and day,
the closed eyes open the mind.
We live in moments of real thought,
if we don't think then we don't remember,
and not to remember is not to live.
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140,084 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
"When time pauses, and silence reigns." This is one of my favorite lines in this pom because it is so true. Sleep is the time where you are your true self. Whether it be your nightmares of the scariest things that could ever happen to you, or the dreams that are so happy and the best thing that could happen to you. Or even anything in between. Or both at the same time. Dreams are weird. But keep writing. This is amazing.
Hey Pernicus! WWolf here for a review!
I can connect really well with this poem. I do feel that many of the people I know probably wouldn't be able to though. It's an interesting perspective. So I guess what I'm saying is that if you meet a lot of people who don't get it don't be discouraged, it's just he kind of poem that it takes the right kind of person to understand. That's okay.
Commas. You really don't need that many. In poetry line breaks are supposed to be a way of creating an additional pause (or extra emphasis) when grammatically speaking they wouldn't always be there. So if you want a pause at the end of each line you don't need a comma there, it just happens naturally with the line break.
Within poetry grammar should still be used in the same way you would elsewhere. Rhythm and tone should be achieved by using other poetic devices. (but this is a form of art so naturally there will be people who break this rule, you just need to learn how to use it first so that when you break it you break it well)
Let's take your first two sentences and try to read them in a normal format without the line breaks.
When you read it that way it really stutters a lot. I would recommend taking out some of the commas and letting the line breaks do their job.
For this particular example I would take out the commas after "vista," "bed," and "head."
Another thing to think about are stanzas. Technically, you can have a poem where it's all just in one go like this. Normally poems are divided up into sections called stanzas. I like to think of them as an artistic version of a paragraph. I doubt that definition will make any sense to anyone else. The basic idea is they are used to separate different things you want to stress, to shape the flow of the poem, and to help along the tone a bit.
You don't have to have stanzas, but I recommend it. Right now this poem just kind of runs on, if that makes any sense. Having stanzas would help it shape better.
What I recommend is trying different ways of dividing it up into stanzas, then read them back to back and see which you like best.
I feel like the last line is worded a little awkwardly. Everything else in the poem flows really well, and in comparison the last one sounds a little bit choppy. You should probably just play around with different ways of wording it.
I really like the idea of this poem. It really fits with me. I'm also quite impressed with how you set the tone. It's very mellow and thoughtful. I like it.
Great work! I really enjoyed it. As always, keep writing!
Oh, gosh, this was gorgeous.
Your wordplay here was magnificent--I honestly can't pick a favorite line. There are so many layers to this poem that I want to pick apart, so I'm going to do my best with that right now! Although I'm short on time, so I'll probably pick a select few and just look at those.
But first, punctuation.
"We live in the memory of history,"
Should that be a comma? The next line doesn't really add on to it, and it's its own separate thought. I say take out the comma and put in a period.
"our closed eyelids are the vista,"
No comma needed in that line above.
I think that's it. I may be getting lazy, or I may be wrong, but I think that's it.
(After looking at punctuation, I'm going to psychoanalyze a few lines.)
"We live in the memory of history"
This is such an insightful line. When taken one way, it could mean that we are the legacies that are passed on to us--we don't get to decide the history that comes before us and the way the world is left for us. When taken another way, it could mean that we all live in the past, or are impacted so much by our pasts that we live in them. Whatever the case, the line packs a punch with me.
"our closed eyelids are the vista,
to many a beautiful scene."
Daydreaming or actual dreaming...we're so caught up in what's in our heads that we don't totally realize what's going on around us. Another way this could be taken is that we are our own creators, and therefore we are independent. There are a lot of ways this could be perceived, actually. I'm going to skip ahead to another favorite line, though!
"We live in those moments,
the seconds between the night and day."
One way it could be taken is that our existences our short as humans. Another way it could be taken is that humans are eternally gray, neither good nor bad, and that we are best when we are seen in such a way. Either that or we just live in that one stagnant time frame.
I really loved this! Great job!
Hey! I'm here to review your lovely poem, so let's get into this:
"once you do bed,"
This doesn't make sense and it confused me. I don't know what you are trying to say.
"your too tired head,
you truly come to life."
This confused me too :/
I found it was really repetitive and not in the good way. I'm confused to what you are trying to say in this poem and what the story was.
I hope this was helpful
Rachel
It wasn't very helpful to clarify that point there. To bed something is a pretty simple concept. As for the rest, I agree it's a bit of an oxymoron, or a lot of an oxymoron. If you are confused about meaning in a poem then it's at least making you think. Maybe you don't get it, which is fine. I can explain now if I must.
It is about the fast passing of life, how memories are temporary and days jumble together into an indistinguishable shamble of memory. It is about the times in between our constant thought, times of reflection that occur before sleep. Mostly It's about the importance of reflection, because if you don't reflect on memories then they're of no value, and may as well have never happened. Basically we only live in the moments where we remember having lived.
So apart from the sentence confusion, your only qualm was with understanding it?