Young Writers Society

Wesh! Professor Jade here to review your poem. I'm just going to give my overall thoughts on it because I'm tight on time. Let's just go!

1. The flow feels strained. Read it aloud to see what I mean.

2. This would sound better with stanzas. (Just a personal style suggestion. Your choice, honestly!)

3. The message was amazing so I give you credit for that.

4. There are a few grammar mistakes so go through and fix those. It's like polishing a diamond; it's nice before, but polishing it makes it BEAUTIFUL! See what I mean?

5. Work on your word choice. Some words feel unneeded and add strain to the flow.

If you want me to elaborate on anything I said, let me know and I'll be more detailed, do suck at explaining XD. I think this was a great poem and I hope to see more from you.

Hope this helped!

-Professor JadeLouts-

Hello this is demoncat revewing your pawsome poem

So I like your use of imagry here. But I must say with honesty that at first I was alittle confused about this disruption. I think maybe this poem could flow alittle better. But overall it is a good read and I really enjoyed it. It's pretty great and I hope to read more of your work.

Heyo Pernicus, I'm Morri and I'm here to review your poem!

So your imagery is there. It's concrete and I feel it and you're good there. Lovely word choice, brought me into the world of the poem.

There are a few things that took me out of that world a little.

Your repetition is definitely a sign you know your poetry. I don't think it's serving the poem well here, however. I don't mind the lines that include "disruption" in a sentence, like

disruption like the form inside the form

the heads of mushrooms violently bursting up
through the dermis of the earth

this is a lovely poem, I like the way you use figurative language. I am unsure if the lack of punctuation is intentional, but it makes the poem I bit difficult to read.

here are some other things I noticed:

"disruption like
the heads of mushrooms violently bursting up
through the dermis of the earth"
I would move "like" down a line so "disruption" is alone on a line like it is everywhere else.

"like a single plum falling from the branch
when it’s tenuous connection fails
plummeting down and down"
I would rephrase the last line so that it does not say "down and down", as this feels less elegant than the rest of the work.

"disruption like the form inside the form
erupting with the will to be free
the insect outgrowing the home of its bones"
again, I would put "disruption" on its own line for consistency.

"disruption as in the moment where
I wake up from the warmth of a dream"
same thing. put disruption alone so it disrupts the poem.

this poem is well written, and my critiques are meant only to help you improve.

keep writing
~Corvus