disruption
below the surface
like bruises beneath skin
disruption like
the heads of mushrooms violently bursting up
through the dermis of the earth
into the morning dew
disruption
as a wing fluttering against a windless dawn
as rays of sun cascading over the horizon
cutting through the fog
which pools thick as blood over the fields
disruption
like a single plum falling from the branch
when it’s tenuous connection fails
plummeting down and down
into the dampness of the grass below
where it rests and rots
disruption like the form inside the form
erupting with the will to be free
the insect outgrowing the home of its bones
the pit of the cherry becoming a tree
disruption as in the moment where
I wake up from the warmth of a dream
on a cold damp morning
mourning something I never knew I wanted
and forgetting so quickly
what it even was
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140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Wesh! Professor Jade here to review your poem. I'm just going to give my overall thoughts on it because I'm tight on time. Let's just go!
1. The flow feels strained. Read it aloud to see what I mean.
2. This would sound better with stanzas. (Just a personal style suggestion. Your choice, honestly!)
3. The message was amazing so I give you credit for that.
4. There are a few grammar mistakes so go through and fix those. It's like polishing a diamond; it's nice before, but polishing it makes it BEAUTIFUL! See what I mean?
5. Work on your word choice. Some words feel unneeded and add strain to the flow.
If you want me to elaborate on anything I said, let me know and I'll be more detailed, do suck at explaining XD. I think this was a great poem and I hope to see more from you.
Hope this helped!
-Professor JadeLouts-
Hello this is demoncat revewing your pawsome poem
So I like your use of imagry here. But I must say with honesty that at first I was alittle confused about this disruption. I think maybe this poem could flow alittle better. But overall it is a good read and I really enjoyed it. It's pretty great and I hope to read more of your work.
Heyo Pernicus, I'm Morri and I'm here to review your poem!
but you don't need to have any of those one-word lines there. We know what you're getting at because your images are good enough to illustrate the meaning, not just illustrate the scene. So do your poem a favor and take out those repeated "disruptions" because it disrupts the poem.So your imagery is there. It's concrete and I feel it and you're good there. Lovely word choice, brought me into the world of the poem.
There are a few things that took me out of that world a little.
Your repetition is definitely a sign you know your poetry. I don't think it's serving the poem well here, however. I don't mind the lines that include "disruption" in a sentence, like
It just dawned on me that you might have done that on purpose. In that case, I feel like that isn't getting across as much as it should. If so, try to mark those as a physical disruption. Like perhaps visually separating them from the rest of the poem. Perhaps all caps, or italics, or something like that to signal that the word "disruption" is a disruption in and of itself.
I also recommend separating this into stanzas instead of leaving it in one big block of text. If you're having trouble with the YWS publisher, there is a way to single space lines! Hold shift when you press enter in order to single space, and simply don't hold shift when creating a break between stanzas.
My favorite image in this poem is
I felt this. And it's not something that I think of often, so it was really refreshing for me to read.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. Keep poeting, and don't forget to keep YWSing!
this is a lovely poem, I like the way you use figurative language. I am unsure if the lack of punctuation is intentional, but it makes the poem I bit difficult to read.
here are some other things I noticed:
"disruption like
the heads of mushrooms violently bursting up
through the dermis of the earth"
I would move "like" down a line so "disruption" is alone on a line like it is everywhere else.
"like a single plum falling from the branch
when it’s tenuous connection fails
plummeting down and down"
I would rephrase the last line so that it does not say "down and down", as this feels less elegant than the rest of the work.
"disruption like the form inside the form
erupting with the will to be free
the insect outgrowing the home of its bones"
again, I would put "disruption" on its own line for consistency.
"disruption as in the moment where
I wake up from the warmth of a dream"
same thing. put disruption alone so it disrupts the poem.
this poem is well written, and my critiques are meant only to help you improve.
keep writing
~Corvus