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Nature

by Pernicus


The world isn’t straight nor crooked nor bent,

the world as it is, simply isn’t meant.

More than indifferent, for indifference implies the possibility of care

that simply isn’t and can never be there.

-

Don’t mistake absence for rejection

or good luck for protection.

You’re simply a victim of chance,

under the feet of the giants

in their great cosmic dance.

-

So fear not, you cannot make mistakes,

there’s only one path that you could ever take.

I’ve never seen a cloud that took the wrong shape,

and never witnessed a wave that failed to break.

Be true to yourself,

be true.


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745 Reviews


Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

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Mon Apr 03, 2017 5:28 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



Uplifting!

So your main question was whether or not the rhymes were forced or fitted, or if your content fitted naturally. I'd say there's potential to read stanza two's rhyme scheme and content as forced and trite, but the remaining stanzas flow naturally and their content is natural as well.

But to stanza two, I believe it's the combination of the sudden bluntness of your message and religious undertones mixed with a tired rhyme: chance/dance--that make this stanza difficult to enjoy, so to answer your question, there's your target for impact and improvement.

I believe it would better be replaced by more imagery, to be honest? Or a cocktail of imagery and lyricism/sentiment to the point of transitioning into the opening of stanza three, which feels very wrap-uppish.

Hope this helps,
Ty




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12 Reviews


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Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:49 pm
Tylexie wrote a review...



This a really nice poem. Sometimes it's hard to find a poem out there with such a deep underlying message, especially such a beautiful one.

The one thing I am a little unclear on is the line, "the world as it is, simply isn't meant." Meant for what? Maybe I'm misinterpreting this.

I have to say, I love the last stanza. Amazing. I also praise you for the wonderful smoothness to this poem, but what makes it stand out is the message behind it.

Keep writing!




Pernicus says...


Thanks,
and to say it isn't meant, while not entirely grammatically correct, means the world has no intention.



Tylexie says...


Ah, I see. I like that message.



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58 Reviews


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Reviews: 58

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Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:53 pm
AkeliaTaske wrote a review...



Hey! It's Akelia, here for a review.

I would have to say this is by far one of the greatest poems I've read in my time on YWS. It's beautiful, it flows well, and best of all (in my opinion) It rhymes! I love it when poems rhyme!

I didn't find much for critiquing, although I did see some stuff that was not capitalized.

The only other thing is that your phrase "under the feet of giants" seemed a bit excess, and kind of blocked off the flow. But you did bounce right back and fix it with all that rhyming in that last paragraph. Nice job!

Just be sure to never stop writing! :)

-Akelia





Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
— George Eliot