Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
This is the next chapter to Trio Maniac! Changed the title to Trio :)
Just because I was a girl, it didn't mean I only thought of guys as a romantic figure. I had guys that were my best friends, my co-workers, my enemies. It's life, and all of us are the same. The thing with some girls was that, well, some didn't know how to interact with the male form. And that happened to be sad. But vice versa, some guys had no idea how to talk to girls. Now that, that was funny.
"It's been a month." I said, my voice harsh.
"And?" Eryn asked.
I looked over at him, running my eyes around his face. Only a questionable expression lined it, he was honestly confused. Or just curious. Even his green eyes showed signs of worry.
"It's been a month," I repeated, looking back at the book in my hands.
"Is it about your book?"
"No Eryn,"
"Stop thinking about it." He finally got it.
Placing the book down on the table, I looked back up at him. He was texting away on his Samsung Galaxy as I took in a few deep breaths.
"How could a person stop talking to you like that? We didn't do anything to him and he... he just did something to us." I said.
"Ave, life is life. Okay? Just move on." Eryn huffed.
I'd say he's more hurt than I am.
"We went to Poland together."
"And,"
"Nothing,"
Instead of looking at him, I looked all over the kitchen, taking in the white of the walls, trying to change the topic in my mind. I saw a freshly baked brownie on the kitchen counter, so I stood up from the table and went up to the counter. The smell of it was over whelming. With a smile, I grabbed the knife that was laying on top of it and cut myself a piece. Putting it in my mouth, I chewed softly and went back to the table, picking the book back up again.
Suddenly, Eryn stood up from the table and walked into the living room, grabbing his coat from the coat rack and sliding it on. Next thing I knew, the door was slammed behind him and I was home alone.
End of chapter
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Hey Trio, Black here for a quick piece of feedback
Okay, this was a decent chapter, your building of for a powerful main character in my mind, and I like that. She seems to have a mind of her own and a bit of willpower. But be careful. Olive is right, you're moving too fast. Generally it's okay to have a fast pace, but that's not what you're doing. You're rushing yourself. Sending out tons of information and action before they can be properly understood.... Anyway, that chapter's just plain short.
First off for this review I'm gonna do a little bit of nit-picking. Then I'll try to give a decent 'overall' of your problems.
Lets check out the first paragraph.
Okay, I might emphasize that when you talk this way about your main character, you REALLY are emphasizing on the fact that she is a girl and not a woman. Very few grown women DON'T have this mindset, and it's generally fairly common among girls as well -or such is my experience. That little line "It's life, and all of us are the same" is touching and cute, but it really doesn't make sense (either realistically or in it's context).
That word 'well' which you tossed in does a good job of personalizing your paragraph, but it makes it sound a bit too informal. That's not a bad thing, but you need to keep your mind on it. Also, same with 'male form', just saying 'guys' would be a bit better. 'Happened' is out of method -use 'happens'. The way you put in the 'Now that, was funny' at the end felt really forced. Try to wiggle it around a bit.
Most everything I have to say about the next twenty lines (all the way down to right before the last two paragraphs) is mostly opinion stuff which I will not be mentioning.
But I SHOULD mention that you, in all that time, neglected to mention everything BUT what they were talking about. I assume it was a guy, but you have your character's talk in such a way I could assume it was an object! Just noting that. You may not have noticed. Look into it for sure.
Two things. Overwhelming is one word. And you use the word 'counter' twice in one sentence -just use 'it' instead of the second 'counter'. Also. Isn't this a kind of simplistic thing to do in the middle of a serious moment? Really.
Finally, if you're going to mention that 'she' becomes home alone, then try to give her some reason either fear, or want it. If you don't have a reason for Eryn leaving like that, anyway.
Overall I'm just going to say you're rushed. Your moving from point to point too quickly, and making me feel like you have no direction. If this were the fifth or sixth chapter, I wouldn't be so picky, but you need to be more definite about introducing your characters here, and the beginning.
Okay?
Sorry if I'm a bit harsh. I really do like the characters that you DO have. Good job there.
Anyway. Keep writing. No writer ever got better without practice.
~Black~
Hi Nike. I’m just about to review the second chapter of this in the Green Room so I thought I’d better pop to your first chapter first and see what I’m dealing with! I’ll put both of my reviews in with the second chapter though, kay?
I will review as I read so here we go
Trio - Chapter One
You begin a lot of the sentences with the word ‘we’. Whilst I think your writing style is great, you could do with choosing some varied sentence openers to spice everything up a little.
An example could be;
You’re also getting a little mixed up between past and present tense. Choose which one you feel most comfortable writing with and stick to your guns
I really like your characters. I feel as though you know who you want them to be and that’s a great thing.
Trio - Chapter 2
I can already see that you’ve chosen what tense you prefer to write with! YAY!
And your sentence openers have improved. I’m loving this.
I think you need a question mark after Eryn says, “and?” because that character is asking for them to explain more.
I love that you’ve got a bit of conflict already but I feel as though the ending was rushed a little. What exactly is going on here? And how do they both really feel about it? Let us connect a little more to your characters by giving us something to relate to.
I would also like to know a little more as to what they look like! I’m sure you’ve got a perfect picture in your minds eye and I want to be let in on the secrets
Good luck! Feel free to PM me if you have any more questions.
Olive <3