The Story I Can't Say

Hey!

Okay, to begin with, this seems quite an original way of telling a story, and I was intrigued by it, if a little confused at first.

I want to tell you this. But, I'd rather put it in a story, then maybe you'll get it.

Why don't we say Alice is me. And Ash is you.

This is what confused me most. Are you talking to the reader, or another character? Is it a part of the story, or is it an Author's Note? I worked it out eventually, or I think I did, but you could definitely make it a bit clearer, just to make it a little easier to read.

There was something else that particularly bothered me.

After nearly every sentence you started a new paragraph.

And in moderation, that's great. Dramatic pause is a very useful literary tool, and it gives the reader a chance to think.

But after a while it can get repetetive and irritating.

And you carried it on for the whole story.

Do you see what I mean? It was fine for the first couple of lines, when it felt like you might have a reason for it. But the only two lines I'd keep as single-sentence paragraphs are:

The truth is, Ash had a soul, a heart, and no ice inside his soul.

and

So did he.

Past that, it gets very irritating and repetetive, which is a real shame, as you have something very sweet here.

The length bothered me. I know that length doesn't always make the story, and some short stories can be most effective when they only last a few words, but this felt like there was a lot more to it than you showed, and it was rather a shame to leave it unsaid. But I suggest fleshing it out more, rather than just trying to make it look longer than it is, which is what it felt like you were doing with the many short paragraphs. Otherwise, let it be short, rather than adding in the unnecessary extras, like

When she went dizzy every time she saw Ash.

You do a few lines like this, they seem to be sort of "fillers", and they're not necessary.

I did enjoy it, though, regardless of these problems. It seemed to be a very interesting way of storytelling, and I'd love to see more from you.

I hope I helped! If there's anything I've said that doesn't quite make sense, or anything more I can do, please let me know. I'd be glad to lend a hand in any way I can.

~ Ruth

Well I find this story quite nice. I don't usually reviews short stories because they are still too long for my taste most of the times, but this is short and sweet!

Why don't we say Alice is me. And Ash is you.

Alice hid around corners, carving her own shadow into the ground. She hid from Ash, even though they were friends. The laughs she spread, well, they were real. But she hid her feelings, the most important thing in her life, like any other teenager.

The truth is, Ash had an soul, with no ice inside, and a heart. Sounds better and not repetitive.

But he never showed it toward her. When her heart was beating faster than the drums Ash hit every night, he never seemed to care.

When she went dizzy every time she saw Ash.

When she laughed at his jokes, even though no one else did.

Alice felt unappreciated. That teenage girl felt her heart breaking, like ice hitting the ground and smashing into a million pieces. It's sad, the fact that she feels this way. Pieces was misspelled and the last line didn't flow too well.

Ash couldn't help it, so he didn't do anything about it.

So, no, she didn't go suicidal; she left him. And regretted it...

And so did he.

Just some things here and there. great job!