Don't Know A Title

by Nike

Published January 22, 2014

12+

In Romantic Fiction

The sun was out which signaled a new day. It wasn't like it was going to be any different than any other day. Maybe it'll rain today.

"Kids! Get dressed!" my mother called from the bottom floor.

Well, my mother was barley up before six in the morning. My brother and I had get up on our own before school. Not only that, both my parents slept until at least nine and then my father went to wrok while my mother stayed at home.

Her voice worried me, so I walked into the bathroom before my brother did and got ready. I looked into the mirror in front of me. My face looked pale. I had dark circles under my eyes and my soft brown hair was in a long braid down my back. I washed up, and once I was done, I left. My brother jumped in and I found myself in my closet, throwing on some articles of clothing.

My watch blinked a white light, so I looked at it and clicked the button on the side. A hologram popped up in front of me and showed a note I wrote.

You're eighteen

I held my breath for a moment, all this fright flooding my system. This is why my mother said to get dressed. I searched through my clothes and picked up this light pink dress. Throwing it on, I looked at the mirror in my closet. The dress hit my knees, and the sleeves wore quarter length. The top of the dress hit my collarbone, so it was discrete. For just a second, I let myself imagine I was a little girl again. When I believed being eighteen was far off and I didn't have to think about that day for a long while.

Shaking my head, I walked out of the closet and stepped into my bedroom. My mother was standing at the doorway. She had on the same dress she wore every year. It was the black one that had the same design as mine. Every dress this area owned was the same kind, just different colors. We only got the colors we were given.

"You look beautiful," she smiled.

I nodded, walking up to my wardrobe. My mother walked to my side and pulled out the make-up from the first drawer and started to pile it on my face. That's how it felt. She did it with such ease that it took her just a few minutes and I was ready. I looked up at her and smiled.

"Baby, it's going to be okay." her voice was soft.

"I..." I choked, looking at my hands. "I hope so."

Her hand softly touched my cheek as she pulled away and walked back out of my room, leaving me to drown in my nerves. It's going to be okay. I repeated that through my mind as I walked down the stairs and into the living room. My brother was already in there wearing a suit and tie. My parents were at the front door, ready to leave. I caught my brother's eyes and saw his fright shaping his face. I swallowed hard and walked to the front door.

The house resembled a typical house these days. I could tell you that the colors were gloomy and uneventful, but honestly, it was just simple. We were told to save money on decorations and painting, and put that money for better use. So the walls were a creme color and the furniture resembled simplicity. They were in grey colors. The cheaper, the better.

"Alright," my father started. "Emmett and Hannah, let's go."

I turned around and walked out the door. My brother followed after. We walked down the sidewalk and joined the rest of the families. Everyone was out. All the sidewalks were filled with people, walking to the same place we were walking. I recognized a few people from my school. People of all ages were walking.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
ChloeAB
Review
ChloeAB wrote a review Review · Jan 24, 2014

I really like this piece! I think the analytical use of the word 'signalled' when talking about the sun immediately sets the scene that this piece is set in a future time. I also thought that the enigma kept throughout the piece is great; I felt like I had to keep reading to find out, can't wait to read the rest!

Just a few tips:
-Make sure you proof read because there were a few spelling mistakes such as 'signaled' which needs two 'L's and 'creme' to describe the colour cream.
-Also its sounds slightly like The Hunger Games so just make sure to steer away from that.

But otherwise, I loved it!

User avatar
TriSARAHtops
Review
TriSARAHtops wrote a review Review · Jan 23, 2014

This was a pretty good start to what sounds like an interesting story. You've managed to begin giving your main character a voice and personality, and you've started hinting at the framework of the society in which she lives, whilst still leaving some mystery around it. The pacing was great, and I was left interested to see where this story goes.

I have a few nitpicks:

Maybe it'll rain today

With this sentence, you seem to leap from past tense to present tense writing. It's the only time you've done this, however it does stick out. Either change it to 'Maybe it would rain today' or 'Maybe it'll rain today, I thought'.

Well, my mother was barley up before six in the morning

'Barley' should be 'barely'.

The dress hit my knees, and the sleeves wore quarter length

I think maybe you meant 'the sleeves were quarter length?

Every dress this area owned was the same kind,

I feel like the wording here is a little clumsy. I'd try rewording it so it sounds better, get rid of the 'owned' maybe? Your also missing 'in' before 'this'.

"Baby, it's going to be okay." her voice was soft.

The H in 'her' should be capitalised.

My last comment is that the ending is a bit... lacklustre. It feels like you're just missing something to make it feel like it has properly ended, not just cut off partway through a paragraph.

I think you've done a good job here, and created a really interesting story. Keep up the good work!

User avatar
wakarimasen
Review
wakarimasen wrote a review Review · Jan 22, 2014

This is a really great start to your story. You introduced the characters little by little through dialogue and description as it progresses, like their names, appearances, personalities.... I'm impressed.

You also established the science fiction-y aspects of the story in a gentle, subtle way that slowly gets the reader used to the setting. A hologram watch amidst what appears to be an otherwise normal mourning routine did not seem out of place, yet it is definitely futuristic.

______________

If you're open to constructive criticism, I noticed an area of the story might benefit from a second inspection:

"Not only that, both my parents slept until at least nine and then went to work all day. Other than my mother, she stayed at home."

If *both* of the protagonist's parents go to work all day but one of the two stays at home, unless somehow she has more than two parents, that passage seems a little contradictory. You might want to instead try something along the lines of, "Both of my parents slept until at least nine; my father would go to work all day, but my mother always stayed at home."

Additionally, if you'd like a suggestion for a working title, I thought the line "You're eighteen" had a resounding effect to it. Or maybe a variation of "I'm Eighteen."

I apologize if I'm going overboard with the suggestions here. Best of luck to you in continuing this story!

-CC



Forget ragebaiting. What about happybaiting. Purposely mentioning things that my friends like to make them happy and joyous. What about that, huh
— GengarTheGhost