I always knew that I was the strong one. The one that wouldn't allow herself to fall back. The one that is just too strong to break her barriers. The one that wouldn't allow herself to get hurt, no matter what.
Especially not for something stupid.
I was being selfish, really selfish.
"You really should stop. All it's gonna do is hurt you in the end? Is it worth it?"
I shook my head and kept my eyes on the road, running my fingers along the steering wheel. The music was soft. it was Coldplay. And my friends were talking to me. It wasn't the smartest time to talk to me since I was driving, but they felt it was probably the only time. And that's stupid cause when we get to the place they can yell at me there. Safer idea too.
"Come on Lena, he just wanted to have..." I cut her off.
"I know," I huffed.
There was Skylar sitting in the passenger seat and Penny in the back. Skylar was the black haired one that looked all punk but causal while Penny had burgundy hair and husky eyes. Literally like the dog, one green and one blue.
And the person I was arguing with was Skylar. She really liked to tell you when you were wrong. But not in a bad way, she just wanted to help you. And she enjoyed being blunt.
This weird tension drowned us as we continued driving. My reply wasn't a very subtle one, I had thrown in a bunch of attitude into it. Well, I wasn't happy with myself either and her saying out loud how stupid I was really wasn't helping me.
"I mean, I get it. You liked him and this is your first relationship so you're desperate..." Penny started to talk. But she realized what she was saying was not right at this moment.
I drove onto the exit ramp from the highway, I had to stop because I felt shivers start to grow on my skin and that meant a panic attack was rising.
There was a parking lot just off the exit to a Walgreens. It was just to my right. I pulled into it and found an empty spot. Pulling into it, I shifted the stick into Park and took a deep breath. I felt their eyes on me and knew I shouldn't cry.
But I really fucking wanted to.
Cause I was so angry at myself.
I didn't want them here.
"Hey, Lena..." Skylar started.
"Just shut up guys, shut up." I huffed under my breath. I am sure they are surprised because I never spoke to them in this way. "I don't want to talk about it, I'm just happy with stressing about this. It will pass."
A moment went by and then Penny thought it was okay to talk.
"It won't just pass." her voice was soft.
I gripped the steering wheel, trying not to cry. I wouldn't cry, not here, not now, not over him. That was stupid. So stupid. Like it'd be wrong. My heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breathe as my body shook uncontrollably.
"Are you having a panic attack?" Skylar asked, touching my arm.
"Yeah," I said like it was obvious.
As I turned to her, we both looked at my phone which just lit up on the center console. I swallowed hard as his name appeared on the screen, his face complimented it. She didn't go to grab it and I fought the instinct to take it. It just rang on and we were all silent and the tension killed every bone in my body, it was so thick, anyone walking five feet from us would feel it.
"Answer it," Penny said from the back.
Skylar didn't protest, so I reached for the phone, hit answer, and waited.
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140,212 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
This was interesting story and suspense was present the entire time, but unless there is a second part (if there is YES, I want to read it) then there isn't much of the story and I don't know where it was going. There are a lot of plot holes. I suspected the entire time the main character was pregnant. I do have some other corrections
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The parentheses have my corrections
"You really should stop(, all) it's gonna do is hurt you in the end(.) Is it worth it?"
"I shook my head and kept my eyes on the road, running my fingers along the steering wheel. The music was soft. (It) was Coldplay(, and) my friends were talking to me. It wasn't the smartest time to talk to me since I was driving, but they felt it was probably the only time."
"And that's stupid cause when we get to the place they can yell at me there. Safer idea too." This sentence is awkwardly worded and you should never start a sentence with and. You tend to do this often.
"Come on(,)Lena(.) He just wanted to have..."
"There was Skylar sitting in the passenger seat and Penny in the back. Skylar was the black haired one that looked all punk but causal while Penny had burgundy hair and husky eyes. Literally like the dog, one green and one blue." You should try to describe them nonchalantly. Example: "I glance into my rear view mirror. I see is Penny's husky eyes flicker, one blue the other green, her face framed by her burgundy hair."
"And the person I was arguing with was Skylar. She really liked to tell you when you were wrong. But not in a bad way, she just wanted to help you. And she enjoyed being blunt."
Corrected version below
"I was arguing with was Skylar. She really liked to tell you when you were wrong, but not in a bad way. She just wanted to help you, and she enjoyed being blunt."
" Penny started to talk() but she realized (it wasn't the appropriate time.)" she realized what she was saying was not right at this moment.- it is awkwardly stated and what is in parentheses is just a suggestion, but what you have isn't very well stated
"I drove onto the exit ramp from the highway(.) () I felt shivers (beginning) to grow on my skin(, which) meant a panic attack was rising. (I needed to get off the road.)
i enjoyed your story. i think you should continue it in mini chronicles, like "part 1" "part 2" etc. try to work more on a backstory. once again, it was great
Hello, Nike! Wisegirl22 here to review your piece on this fine evening!
My first nitpick is that the first question mark should be an exclamation mark or a period. A question mark doesn't really make sense here.
"All it's gonna do is hurt you in the end? Is it worth it?"
I found a few more in this section. First thing, your "i" should be capitalized in the first word. Second, the second sentence doesn't really fit with the first. Since you're talking about songs, and then you're switching to friends talking to you suddenly, I don't think it really flows well into this piece. Third, it looks like there is an extra space between "wasn't" and "the". Just so the short story can look better. Last thing is, an apostrophe before "cause".
"it was Coldplay. And my friends were talking to me. It wasn't the smartest time to talk to me since I was driving, but they felt it was probably the only time. And that's stupid cause when we get to the place they can yell at me there."
Ooh, ending cliffhanger! Love it! A few things, though. I feel like you are telling too much and not showing. This is a short story, but I don't want it to be too short. Elaborate a little; I feel like it went too fast. Other than that, I can say it's fine! Byezeez!
-wisegirl22
Hello Nike! how are you doing? hope everything is going great with you
I really liked this short and I found it quite amusing. The mood was tortured throughout the whole story and I like the way you connected the whole scenario together. Your adjectives describing your friends was quite funny though lol ! I also liked the way you kept the tone very simple from the beginning and that just isn't an easy job. Im not very sure if the story has any elements of feminism though I picture the protagonist to be very strong and emotionally independent. Im also unsure if there is a hidden message in the story more than it appears to be, but I sure did enjoy the way you described your mixed emotions throughout the short. It was soo real and sublime, very 'moment capturing', on the whole I really did enjoy reading this story and I will also check out your other posts! P.S. continue writing, good luck. Cheers