‘I’m not sure how I feel about being your best friend after this…’
The calm that was within me during the passed day has suddenly collapsed, causing tears to spring from my eyes. Memories of him flooded my head, as if I didn’t have a life before.
‘This was my relationship. We broke up. You weren’t in any way a part of it. I’m hurt. I’m confused. Don’t make this about you.’ I replied to the chat.
My phone felt helpless as my so called best friend kept texting me about my very recent breakup with the only man I’ve ever loved. Making it about herself.
I was in disbelief as I read those words over and over. Doesn’t know if she can’t be my bestie after I dated him? What’s wrong? Why? Because he was the opposite of you? He was right while you were left? He was religious while you were not? What does that matter to you? That’s my relations— not anymore.
Tears welled up once more as I started to remember past romances.
‘It’s a fling have fun!’
‘He’s not right for you…’
‘You deserve better’
‘Fuck and go dude, you’re young.’
Each guy had to be a not serious relationship for her to support me in anyway. If I was serious… she wasn’t there for me. Ever. My whole relationship with Colin was a joke to her. She never cared to meet him even though he was important to me. But when it came to her relationships, I had to be involved. This was all one sided wasn’t it? I was a mere follower of her? Never an equal.
It was always in my head that they wouldn’t get along and I’d have to end things with him. Or else I’d lose her and that wasn’t worth it. But it was, because she wanted me to end ties. She was always looking out for herself and never for me. She never cared that I was happy. Either way she ended ties. Either way I was hurt and it was all my fault for listening to her.
Why couldn’t anyone tell me she was toxic? She was ruining my life? My one time at being happy? Because she couldn’t understand how I could love anyone at all? That she wasn’t always going to be my right hand man? What does that say about her and her girlfriend? What does that say about me.
‘Clara, he doesn’t do enough for you. He isn’t trying hard enough. He can do better, haha but he won’t.’
I’ve been clouded by her words for years. And for the passed six months with Colin I was clouded as well.
I never cared about politics. But she did. Colin did. So suddenly I did and I was all on her side. And for what reason? I had no care for the facts of who was right other than when she would tell me this is the right thing and that is the wrong.
Why couldn’t I use my own head for once in my damn life?!
It didn’t matter what he believed in or followed. I love him. I should’ve ignored what she’d always say and made my own decisions. He was good. He was better than good.
I was terrible.
I went to my text thread with Colin and read over our recent texts. The goodbyes, the mutual break up which is now not mutual at all. Tears kept on falling as my heart stung.
I went to the notes app on my phone and started to type an apology. Then another. Then a voice memo. And then another. I wasn’t able to send them to him. He deserved better. He’s happier without me.
He deserves someone that appreciates him when he’s there not after he’s gone. Someone that won’t be manipulated by their best friend into believing he wasn’t good enough. Someone that can hold her own ground. I’ve always loved him, just never realized to what degree. Until after I was snapped out of my reverie of my friends hold over me.
He was everything I ever wanted and more. And I blew it by being influenced by someone to care about things I never cared about. I don’t care what he follows or believes in, that’s his life and I love him for that. He’s not hurting me. He’s respecting me. And I wish I had this mindset before I started fights. Before I let him go.
‘It hurts to watch you be happy.’ I whispered as I deleted his socials from my follows.
When could I possibly tell him that I was wrong and I ruined us? Can we be fixed after this? Would I be giving myself false hope in talking to him and explaining and saying that I needed him to breathe?
I couldn’t. He deserved better than me. A dumb girl. Who ruined her own love. I’m sorry.