Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
It all started with a lie. And another one. Secrets are the best friends to everyone.
"So, can you tell me what's going on?" My friend, a pretty blonde with big blue eyes called Robin, asked me.
We happened to be at my house, hanging about. School ended early today since our Math teacher didn't bother to show up. That's how college is. Some music played from my small iHome as we got settled in my bedroom.
"Nothing," I said with a faked smile.
I sat on my full size bed, sinking into the comforter underneath me. She followed over, sitting down next to me. All concern was lining her face, but I knew I couldn't tell her. Even though before, it's all I've ever wanted to talk about, I really couldn't. It wouldn't end well.
"Don't lie to me Lorelei." she huffed.
Pulling on her arm, I got her into an awkward side hug I felt her breath heavily as she hugged me back like a mother would. She smelt of roses, must've been her new perfume.
"Do you know how much I care about you? We are best friends. I have to know." she said into my ear.
"It's okay Rob, okay?" I said back, feeling all emotion drain out of me.
She pulled away, giving me a weak smile. Just like a miracle, her phone went off with Britney Spears as her ringtone and she jumped right to it. "Be right back," she said and walked into the hallway, shutting my door. Once she shut it, I started to smile. And all I did was smile. I picked up my phone from my bedside table and looked at the screen. Nothing new.
And I shut my eyes, letting myself sink into what happened. Taking a few deep breaths, I waited for the images to show up in my head.
His name is Caleb.
"Aye, quit sleeping! We are going to the mall! Get up!" Robin surprised me.
I pulled myself up from the bed, opening my eyes. The images disappeared as I followed her out of my room and out of the house.
She tapped her fingers against the leather steering wheel. We were at a stop light. The car was silent. Robin didn't even bother playing any music. I didn't know what to do. She was angry with me. I had no idea why. Maybe 'cause I didn't tell her. She doesn't need to know. I looked over to my window and saw a few people walking by in the snow.
"Can you just tell me? I'm getting impatient! I wanna know!" she gave up.
I turned my head back to her and saw her eyeing me. Taking a deep breath, I proceeded to tell her some little lie.
"Fine," I acted as if I gave up. "I'll tell ya. My ex is back, and he asked me out." I said.
For a second, she didn't even blink, then she looked back at the road and started to drive again. It's like she shut down. Some look out confusion was lining her face as she drove. What did I say? I felt so out of place.
"Rob?" I asked, quietly.
"What," she huffed out.
I took a moment, then looked back at the road. There was just a bit of traffic in front of us, so we stood for just a while.
"Did I say something wrong?" I asked.
"No," she huffed out again. "It's fine."
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125,038 Literary Works • 672,927 Reviews
Like others said before me, the title is hellishly brilliant! I was simply scrolling through the stories and trying to find something to leave a nice first review on, and then I saw your title and was drawn in immediately. I always have time for some wittingly good humor.
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To be blunt, I like it. The title drew me in and then kept me interested long enough to read through the chapter biting my fingernails and thinking "But why are they /stupid/?" almost obsessively. The writing seemed a bit stiff the first time I read it through, but the second time it just felt a bit more awkward. Purposely awkward, I would assume, considering the situation during the chapter.
I like how expressive you try to make the characters, it creates a bit better of an image in my head when trying to picture the characters during dialogue. I think with a bit more detail in between you could have some really nice images in there for the reader.
I'll have to back up isabella when I say maybe add a bit more background in future chapters? This is only the first one in your story, and I have no doubt more background is going to be revealed further into the writing, but it's still a good idea to give us a few more bits and pieces now. It helps to draw in the reader more firmly, and keeps the fickle-minded from losing interest as easily.
All-in-all, good work so far! I'm interested in who this "Caleb" character is, and I think this is reeking of potential! Can't wait to find out more
The freaking title?!! Keep it. I went searching through posts, and then "Stupid-A Novel" Brilliant! I really loved the way you described the interactions of the characters. You do a good job of enticing the reader. My favorite line is actually the most vague, "His name is Caleb." Now I kind of want to know who he is and what relationship he has with the main character.
Like some of the other reviewers said, which I'm sure you may sort of know, just add a few more details to add some color to the story. Maybe give more details on what Robin's car looked like, smelled like, or even give a few more details about the snowy environment. It'll make a huge difference.
Otherwise, great job!!
I find it interesting how you described the characters. I feel like it needs more detail and you're story seemed to jump from place to place. Like the part where ~ I pulled myself up from the bed, opening my eyes. The images disappeared as I followed her out of my room and out of the house.~ You just got up and left, didn't notice anything or grab anything. Didn't ask why, and all of a sudden your at a stop light. I just didn't like that part. I found this chapter a tab bit short too. Although your title did catch me, and pull me into the story. It left me hanging with no clue at all what was going on. Didn't care for that. Maybe at a preface.
Maybe add a little background, and I feel your story to have a lot of potential. Keep going with it. I would love to read more so keep up the writing.
Hey!
The title of the novel caught my attention, after which, your bold opening statement: 'It all started with a lie. And another one. Secrets are the best friends to everyone.' I was interested to see how these points would link with the events in your novel.
The way you describe your characters is interesting: 'My friend, a pretty blonde with big blue eyes called Robin, asked me.' The order in which the details are given suggests that your protagonist is primarily concerned with aesthetic matters. I may be reading too much into this.
'"It's okay Rob, okay?" I said back, feeling all emotion drain out of me.' I think the way in which you describe dialogue, and even the dialogue itself is a little cliché. Also, too simplified for the style of writing. The characters are having quite an intense discussion here, and the way in which you describe that needs to be relatively dramatic.
I am not entirely sure why you are pointing out that she has: 'Britney Spears as her ringtone'. It made me LOL if that was your intention? XD
Tiny grammatical error in this sentence: 'I took a moment, then looked back at the road.' It should be 'and then' or you need to remove the comma. Just have a fiddle to make it read more smoothly.
Other than that, no technical issues I can see.
This piece is definitely not what I expected.
The ending is a little bit of anti-climax and you leave the reader with no clear direction as to where the story is going. It's a complete mystery. XD
Hello!
I found this story so far quite interesting and I wanted to read on. Your flow throughout this story is really clear and gripping. I didn't find any of it confusing and didn't spot any mistakes either.
Your paragraphs aren't too long, enabling easy reading. It's sometimes too much when you're faced with a giant paragraph, but you've avoided that and kept your paragraphing at decent sizes.
I really liked the starting line of this, I was reading it thinking 'Yep, that's very true.'
Keep up the amazing writing.
~Molly Louise
This is a very good beginning to a story. It has some real potential and I can't wait to see what comes next. It flowed smoothly and I couldn't see any other grammatical errors. Your writing is just amazing and I'm very glad to have read it.
Keep this up, you're doing great and it is just brilliant. Keep writing, you have a true talent in it.
Continue!!!!! please, it's so capturing, go on! this is beautiful!