I wrote this just because not really caring what is right or wrong. Can you comment please?
Hate isn't the word I should be using. It's just too strong. Maybe the thing between us is, um, uh. Well, okay --I can't think of any word but hate. We always fight and never even set a compromise. Yes, this is hate.
I stared into Kyle's eyes as I thought that. What else should I do? He was holding on to my arm with a death grip.
"Let go Kyle," I said.
"No way, not for you to punch me again." he said.
Fine, before he pulled my arm I punched him. But, it was for a reason! He was making fun of me for the past three days and today it just went too far.
"Huh, I won't punch you." I said.
He let go of my arm, cautiously watching me. I looked away from his green eyes and stared into the horizon. I felt my anger grow in me. I could feel my heart beating faster than ever. My mind was full of the words "I hate his fuckin' guts."
"You know what Kyle? You're a jerk. All you ever do is make out with every girl that breathes. Except for me. Thank God for that. You think you're all that but you aren't. The truth is that, you never take the blame for anything. So yes, I would punch you again so you could see that you are wrong." I explained.
The wind blew my hair into my face.
My body temperature was rising at the second. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. I was furious. He just thought he was all that! All I ever see him do is walk around in his expensive clothes and make fun of people with no guilt what-so-ever.
"Hah, you're the one to speak up. What, do you think that you're little miss perfect? Of course not! Demi, you're a person with no soul." he said coldly.
Instead of feeling furious I just felt sad. What he said was just low, even for him.
"I have a soul."
"Really, then why do you hate me so damn much?" he yelled.
"Uh, we hate each other. There is no explanation. We just do. I have a soul, you wanna know why? Because I love and care about others. I don't stand around selfishly not caring if that person needs help. I help," I tried to say it as calmly as I could.
At that moment I couldn't hear, see, or feel anything out of the situation. My eyes stared straight into his.
He stared at me. But it wasn't just a normal stare. It was awkward, he was looking into my eyes.
I saw people walk around us as they walked out of our school. They just stared at us. No wonder, we were yelling in the middle of the dang parking lot.
"I help too. And I love," he said shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
"Really? Than prove it." I commanded.
"I will,"
He stepped closer to me. I could smell his fresh minty breath. I took in his apperance and felt my stomach flip. I never noticed this before but he's cute. No! The green eyes are fungi!
I shook my head trying to get that thought out of my head.
"Okay," I said.
And that's when it happened. He proved that he loved. With one gesture everything changed. He kissed me. Out of the blue he strocked my face with his hand and layed his own lips on mine. Everything in me was on a confused high. But, I liked it. I don't kow why, but I did. Wait, I could've tooken the kiss the wrong way. He kisses every girl. This is just another one of those.
But, it felt real.
When we pulled away I couldn't speak.
"See I can love," he said and walked away.
I stood there in the middle of the concrete jungle speechless as can be.
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
I actually really like this I mean I totally know what you mean with this. I want more passion in the kiss more meaning. Make us feel like he's kissing us. Describe everything so we can feel the realness in it. Why do they hate each other. Its good but could be better when you add detail description and passion!
Kaka x
hey! Im pointe and I will be reviewing you today corrections are bolded, comments in red, additions in blue and cancelations in
strikeoutI wrote this just because not really caring what is right or wrong. Can you comment please?
Hate isn't the word I should be using. It's just too strong. Maybe the thing between us is, um, uh. Well, okay --I can't think of any word but hate. We always fight and never even set a compromise. Yes, this is hate.
I stared into Kyle's eyes as I thought that. What else should I do? He was holding on to my arm with a death grip.
"Let go Kyle," I said.
"No way, not for you to punch me again." he said.
Fine, before he pulled my arm I punched him. But, it was for a reason! He was making fun of me for the past three days and today
ithe just went too far."
Huh,I won't punch you." I said. i need some emotion!!! please!He let go of my arm, cautiously watching me. I looked away from his green eyes and stared into the horizon. I felt my anger grow in me. I could feel my heart beating faster than ever. My mind was full of the words "I hate his fuckin' guts."
"You know what Kyle? You're a jerk. All you ever do is make out with every girl that breathes. Except for me. Thank God for that. You think you're all that but you aren't. The truth is that, you never take the blame for anything. So yes, I would punch you again so you could see that you are wrong." I explained.
The wind blew my hair into my face.once again emotion!
My body temperature was rising at the second. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. I was furious. He just thought he was all that! All I ever see him do is walk around in his expensive clothes and make fun of people with no guilt what-so-ever.
"Hah, you're the one to speak up. What, do you think that you're little miss perfect? Of course not! Demi, you're a person with no soul." he said coldly.
Instead of feeling furious I just felt sad. What he said was just low, even for him.
"I have a soul."
"Really, then why do you hate me so damn much?" he yelled.
"Uh, we hate each other. There is no explanation. We just do. I have a soul, you wanna know why? Because I love and care about others. I don't stand around selfishly not caring if that person needs help. I help," I tried to say it as calmly as I could.
At that moment I couldn't hear, see, or feel anything out of the situation. My eyes stared straight into his.
He stared at me. But it wasn't just a normal stare. It was awkward, he was looking into my eyes.
I saw people walk around us as they walked out of our school. They just stared at us. No wonder, we were yelling in the middle of the
dangparking lot."I help too. And I love," he said shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
"Really? Than prove it." I commanded.
"I will,"
He stepped closer to me. I could smell his fresh minty breath. I took in his apperance and felt my stomach flip. I never noticed this before but he's cute. No! The green eyes are fungi!
this sentence sounds a little weird its kind of random
I shook my head trying to get that thought out of my head.try: i shook my head trying to get that image out of my brain (not so many head's)
"Okay," I said.
And that's when it happened. He proved that he loved. With one gesture everything changed. He kissed me. Out of the blue he strocked my face with his hand and layed his own lips on mine. Everything in me was on a confused high. But, I liked it. I don't kow why, but I did. Wait, I could've tooken the kiss the wrong way. He kisses every girl. This is just another one of those.
taken!
But, it felt real.
When we pulled away I couldn't speak.
"See I can love," he said and walked away.
I stood there in the middle of the concrete jungle speechless as can be.
overall its ok, i enjoyed it except for these things.
bye!
~pointe
Hi, Nike! (ohh, reminds me of my Nike, red shirt that I utterly love) I am Jash, and I'll be reviewing you tonight. =)
My comments will be in pinkish font.
=======================================
I wrote this just because not really caring what is right or wrong. Can you comment please?
Okay, I was confused with that line. Was that a spiel or something? Then if it so, put it in a spoiler, or put a line underneath so not to distract readers. If it's part of the story--uh--I'll be reading.
Hate isn't the word I should be using. It's just too strong. Maybe the thing between us is, um, The commas, I think, should be em-dashes.uh. Well, okay delete space--I can't think of any word but hate. We always fight and never even set a compromise. Yes, this is hate.
I stared into Kyle's eyes as I thought that. What else should I do? He was holding on to my arm with a death grip.
"Let go Kyle," I said.
"No way, not for you to punch me again.comma, not period" he said.
Fine,period? start a new sentence? before he pulled my armcomma? I punched him. But,delete comma it was for a reason! He was making fun of me for the past three days, and today, it just went too far.
"Huh, I won't punch you."comma, not period I said.
He let go of my arm, cautiously watching me. I looked away from his green eyes and stared into the horizon. I felt my anger grow in me.Makes me wonder where they are. I could feel my heart beating faster than ever. My mind was full of the wordscolon? "I hate his fuckin' guts."
"You know what Kyle? You're a jerk. All you ever do is make out with every girl that breathes. Except for me. Thank God for that. You think you're all that but you aren't. The truth is that, you never take the blame for anything. So yes, I would punch you again so you could see that you are wrong," I explained.
The wind blew my hair into my face. I think the new paragraph is unnecessary.
My body temperature was rising at the second. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. I was furious. He just thought he was all that! All I ever see him do is walk around in his expensive clothes and make fun of people with no guilt what-so-everWhat is up with the hyphens? =| This is a word, "whatsoever". *wink*.
"Hah, you're the one to speak up. What, do you think that you're little miss perfect? Of course not! Demi, you're a person with no soul.Comma!" he said coldly.
Instead of feeling furious I just felt sad. What he said was just low, even for him.
"I have a soul."
"Really, then why do you hate me so damn much?" he yelled.
"Uh, we hate each other. There is no explanation. We just do. I have a soul, you wanna know why? Because I love and care about others. I don't stand around selfishly not caring if that person needs help. I help," I tried to say it "say it" should be replaced with "speak"as calmly as I could.
At that moment I couldn't hear, see, or feel anything out of the situation. My eyes stared straight into his.
He stared at me. But it wasn't just a normal stare.comma instead of period It was awkward, semicolon?he was looking into my eyes.
I saw people walk around us as they walked out of our school. They just stared at us. No wonder, we were yelling in the middle of the dang parking lot.
"I help, too. And I love," he said shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
"Really? Then prove it," I commanded.
"I will."
He stepped closer to me. I could smell his fresh minty breath. I took in his apperance appearanceand felt my stomach flip. I never noticed this before but he's cute. No! The green eyes are fungi!
I shook my head, trying to get that thought out of my head.
"Okay," I said.
And that's when it happened. He proved that he loved. With one gesture everything changed. He kissed me. Out of the blue he strocked strocked? I don't know that word. =|my face with his hand and layed Lay!his own lips on mine. Everything in me was on a confused high Confused high what? I think you should put a noun there.. But,delete comma I liked it. I don't know why, but I did. Wait, I could've tookentaken the kiss the wrong way. He kisses every girl. This is just another one of thoseThose what? Kisses? Something's missing in that sentence.
But, it felt real.
When we pulled away I couldn't speak.
"See I can love," he said and walked away.
I stood there in the middle of the concrete jungle speechless as can be.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello again, Nike! I think you should review verb tenses, and comma placement. You seem to have been confused with those.
I'm sorry that I couldn't help about the story. Personally, I didn't like it. The plot was weak--if there even was a plot. It seemed like just a scene--no real story whatsoever. But you can add to this. Keep writing!
~~ Jash ♥
Hey there, Nike.
I'm finally here to review this for you!
I thought this would be effective. :3
I edited a few things here to make it run a bit smoother.
You're using he said quite a lot. Try varying your verbs a bit. Something like he hissed would be good here.
You used the word stare/d a lot here. There are other instances of it before this as well. Try varying by using words like gape, gawk, galre, for example.
I've noticed you having a few tense issues.
Overall
Compared to the first piece of yours that I reviewed, I'm happy to say that I thought this one was my favourite out of the two. What I noticed you doing was describing things in a lot more detail and portraying your characters emotions instead of simply just saying I was happy, I was sad, I was angry e.t.c. That was something I was really happy to see. You had some little minor issues with grammar, but nothing worth hassling you about. As for your spelling, there was one small error that I found, but as a whole, your vocabulary and spelling was great. Your characters were interesting and I liked the kind of chemistry they had between them.
My only real problem I have with this is that although I liked your characters and they were interesting, I knew hardly anything about them. You said that Kyle was clearly a player, but I didn't see him acting like one. I also got the impression that your MC and Kyle had a little bit of history, but I don't know what kind of history at all. Even if your intentions weren't for them to have history, I'd have like to have seen some. What this piece felt like was a random part of a novel, if I'm honest. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. It depends on how you look at it. If this isn't a part from a novel though, I'd suggest that you expand the piece a bit. Give us some background information on your characters and the situation they're in. Do you get what I mean?
The only grammatical nit-picks I have for you are about commas and tense changes. I noticed these things in the first piece of yours I read as well. You sometimes have commas where they aren't necessary, but mostly, you don't have any where there should be some. It's not a major problem, but you need to look out for it. I've noted where you need the commas in my nit-picks, so all you need to do is to edit this up a bit. I don't know how to advise you on comma usage, sorry. Just practice, practice, practice, I suppose. Commas are confusing things, I myself still can't use them 100% correctly. As for your tenses, just remember this: when writing a past tense piece, don't let any present tense words slip in unless they're in dialogue, thoughts, or something like a letter. If you always bare that in mind while writing, you should be okay.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey, I wanted to tell you your edited version is much better. I thought you would like some more feedback on your new version. I don't have much more to say except where you're talking about his green eyes being fungi... is confusing. Is that supposed to be a good thing? Which thought do you shake out of your mind? I was a little confused but other than that, much, much better.
Hello there, Nike!
Nitpicks/Comments
This is incoherent rambling; you're an author, and this is your character, so it's your choice - personally, though, I would remove it! (Really, have you ever read a novel where the paragraphs are full of 'um's and 'uh's?)
Could you possibly find a way to combine these sentences? For example, There wasn't much I could do, seeing as he was pulling on my arm. The way you have these sentences now is just a bit odd and awkward.
The "h" in "He" was not capitalized. Tsk, tsk.
Perhaps it is a bit too drastic to punch someone for getting on your nerves?
As previous users have said, I would not trust someone who had just punched me to not punch me again. At the very least, you could say, He finally let go of me, though he had a trace of caution in his eyes and movements.
If you are going to mention the sun setting, take the time to describe the brilliant hues and beauty of it so we have a nice picture in our minds.
You had a few grammatical errors in this paragraph.
You didn't capitalize the "h" in "he."
First of all, I think when you said "furiesness," you meant "furiousness." Secondly, I think you should find a better way to write the second sentence. Perhaps: What he had just said was low, even for him. Therefore you'd add a little bit of history -- that they'd fought before, that he usually didn't make that rude of a comment, etcetera.
"Damb," should be "damn." And the "h" in "he" needs to me capitalized.
Dear, if they are going to hate eachother, you need an explanation -- hate is a strong emotion, and you need to have reasons why they hate eachother. Otherwise, just use the word "dislike." Also, it should be 'selfishly' not 'selfish' and there should be a comma after it. Finally, he just yelled at her and she is calm? Is that a reaction you would see in real life?
You had put a comma there instead of a period.
I think it should be "his fresh, minty breath," instead of "his minty fresh breath." What do you say?
Wonderful sentence.
Overall
I enjoyed this story, despite the various flaws that were (noticeably) apparent. You have a nice idea here, though it is a tad cliche, I must admit. I hope you plan to add some plot twists later (if you choose to make this a novel/novella), because at the moment it is a bit cliche, as I said.
Now, I would like to point out a few issues I noticed with your story whilst reading it. First of all, I had no idea where they were until the end of the story -- when you mentioned a school. Except, who really stays at school until sunset? I think you need to work on adding more imagery and information. I have no idea what either of your character looks like (besides Kyle's green eyes) and I do not have a great sense of their personality, either. I want to see personality, quirks, anything that makes your characters real!
Also, you can't hate someone "just because." Hate is a strong emotion, and if your characters hate each other, they need a reason. You can't just say, "Oh. I hate you, by the way!" That isn't the way it works. Hate is developed over time, interactions, and such. You need to give your characters a background -- I find myself asking why your characters were even talking to each other. That isn't a good thing. A reader shouldn't doubt the writer's words...but yet I did.
You tended to overuse the word "said." In fact, I started to get quite annoyed with all the he said's, she said's that I wondered if you ever invested in a thesaurus. Try and look up some other ways to express the word "said." Trust me, there's a lot of options!
In the end, you have a lot to work on, but a decent structure. I hope this review helped you, and if you have any questions or comments, you can PM me.
Cheers,
Mizzle
Hello there.
First off with the nitpicks. Everyone pretty much said them all, and I won't repeat those.
These sentences bothered me. It seemed like you were switching topics pretty fast. But reading it again, I see that it does make sense. You should probably put them together. "What else should I do, when he was pulling my arm?" I don't know...
This is a little bit sudden. Normally, people tend to burst when something happens, but right now, it doesn't seem that there's something out of the ordinary happening. Maybe it was before, with the punching? I would like to have more details about that.
Now with the overall impression.
I liked the story. It's not that original, but it's good, and I enjoyed reading it. I'm just that romantic kind of girl.
Keep writing! I loved it.
-Other One
I liked this... but I am a fan of most romantic stories. This was really short. So short, in fact that I am wondering if there is a second part. Maybe bulk it up with a little background.
Okay... so basically what I want is more detail. I would also like a continuance since this leaves me wanting to know where they go from here if anywhere. One thing I was unsure of, and it might be difficult to do in first person, is if Kyle already "loved" Demi or if he was just kissing her to prove a point. For some reason I think it was the former but I wasn't sure. I liked the idea so just build on it.
Megsug
I would try making this more emotional- you say that they're angry or hateful or loving, but we can't really see it. You say it, but we don't experience it. Perhaps try more "showing" than "telling", both with physical and emotional description.
Also, I would try establishing their relationship a bit more; and why she keeps hitting him. It's a little ridiculous, both of them being perfectly calm while she punches him several times. And personally, when I'm frustrated with someone, I don't just hit them... try to describe more conflict between them. You don't want a dry fight; you want a fight with frustration and emotion, realistic. There should probably be a lot of dialogue to go along with the description- people yell at each other, especially when it's at the point where there's violence. Overall, nice story. I would think about removing the last description if you don't balance it out more before- it seems somewhat random, and "concrete jungle" has been used often, making it a little cliche.
Overall, like I said, I like it. Nice plot, and I like the twist at the end.
Nice job!
-Coral-
Well that was interesting. Really, though I didn't feel anything while reading it. Add emotion, then with this, add more emotion. Everything else I put up there.
Write On
~WickedWonder