A/N: The poem is based off my family's current struggles with adopting a boy from China. He has a cognitive heart defect, so mentions of hearts in this poem are not cliche, but carry deep meanings to me. Because this poem is based off of personal experiences, certain parts may not connect as well with the reader as myself. Ask, and I'll explain any line that has personal meaning. Lack of capitalization is intentional as well. Thanks. ~N
i.
a young prince
locked in tower
with a broken heart
watches over a world
where no one believes in royalty
where everyone has families
where everyone has homes
everyone but him.
he watches them and sighs.
a tower is not a home, because
he wants out.
ii.
a queen
gifted with freedom and a tender heart
with too much to spare
too much money, too much waste,
an entire kingdom, it seems,
sees this boy,
this young prince.
she smiles and waves,
but he cannot see her.
she calls his name,
but he cannot hear.
she watches this boy,
this young prince,
and she loves him.
iii.
a young prince
locked in a tower
with a broken heart
watches over a land where dragons are sacred but
he is not.
a land where
when the clock strikes twelve
when he hits fourteen
he will fall out the window
and hit the ground.
no one will catch him.
no one will care.
but a queen
gifted with freedom and an aching heart
with too much to spare
cannot stand the thought of him falling.
she does not know this boy,
this young prince,
but she loves him as a son.
so she finds a ladder
and one night
she steals away.
iv.
a young prince
locked in a tower
with a broken heart
watches over the windowsill where a woman,
a queen,
sets a ladder
and calls for him.
he is happy but
he is scared
because
the world doesn't care for him
his land finds no joy in him
and his tower is all he knows.
it is lovely and wonderful but
awful and terrible because
he fears that on the journey down
he will drop his broken heart
and lose the pieces.
but the queen
gifted with freedom and a swollen heart
(just for him)
with too much to spare
calls for him to
come down
come down
come, because
"i love you."
v.
this boy
this prince
blinks his eyes in wonder
no star in the sky
no mountain below
no person on earth
had ever loved him before.
he wants to leave but
he fears the fall.
he wants to love but
he fears that he will
lose it all.
but this woman
this queen
gifted with freedom and a caring heart
with too much to spare
climbs the ladder
and reaches for him
this boy
this young prince
her love, her son.
vi.
and now,
a young prince
gifted with freedom and a healing heart
with enough to spare
has a home in a kingdom
with a queen who loves him.
and he loves her back.
and together,
they watch the tower
that holds him no longer
to see if any more
young princes or princesses
will need to be
freed.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Oh, I was quoting this stanza to ask you for the concealed meaning, but I now notice there's a "him" missing on the last line... About the meaning, you can PM if it's too private
The poem was really touching, and the initial note has a crucial role. I specially like the fact that you summarise the story very briefly in the beginning, and then you break it up in six moments, each with its own weight. I didn't notice any formatting flaws, except the fact that I felt like you could put the lines closer to each other (the fact that you've left a paragraph space between each stanza lines was a mild distraction).
Something I didn't understand too was the fact that the prince was "locked in tower / with a broken heart". That powerful image really sets the tone, though, and you used the related words accordingly.
Overall, I liked your poem. You should be proud of it. (And I noticed you made some kind of rhyming here and there... I don't know, I feel this rhythm) I would like to end with my favourite part...
Hey there! Thanks for the review. The stanza that you're wondering about is supposed to represent my mother (as the queen) who's leading this adoption process, and the ladder is our coming trip to China to receive my new brother. "She steals away" actually isn't missing anything, it's just another way to say "She ran away" in a more secretive tone.
It's hard to fix, but I understand what you're saying.
Thanks again for the review! ^-^
Formatting is a bit tricky with this website, so I apologize if the spaces were too large.
The "locked in a tower/with a broken heart" also have special meanings. The tower is China, where my brother is unable to have a real family and is trapped physically because he cannot leave. The broken heart is referring to his cognitive heart defect, from which he'll die if we don't get him to America for proper surgery. He'll most likely die early if we don't adopt him quickly, because he will be kicked out of his foster home at the age fourteen, hence the mention of falling out the window. :/
This poem is in what's called free verse, so that's why there's no set rhyme or rhythm.
Hey! Happy Review Day! I know this is personal to you so I won't shred it too much. No argument about the ideas whatsoever.
I see a glaring difference in your poem. In this stanza, there is no coma:
while here, there are tons of it:
I prefer consistency. Since you've already used a stylistic device (not capitalizing words that should be) why not just go on with erasing the comas? I find that without comas the message would still get through and the reading becomes smoother.
Some grammar Nazis would point out you missed the commas here and there but as a reader, I don't mind it. I actually think that it makes the narrative more fluid.
Same thing, remove the comma. I need to take a break after reading home, and another break after "because". I don't see the need for comma. If you want to add some shocking information (like in this case, the tower is not a home because he wants to escape it) you can make more line breaks.
I still need to take the two breaks but the format is different now. We can actually here the narrator speaks like he's revealing something.
Apart from that, I think this is a lovely and heart-warming poem. It is touching when someone who is not related to you care about you, and it just shows how love stretches over the boundary. I think this is an important message to get across as it shows the capacity of love that we are capable of. Sometimes we are too caught up with the busyness of our life to give attention to people who are in need of love - no matter from whoever. I appreciate this poem a lot. Keep up the good job!
Thanks for the review! I definitely agree on the stylistic points, so thanks for pointing that out.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Hi Nightcrawler, it's Merguls here with a review.
I liked this story. However, it seems longer than most common poems. I always love poems based on true stories. I also love the terms Prince, Princess and Queen.
I almost felt like I could burst out in tears. Overall the poem was beautifully written. Keep up the great work.
Sincerely, MergulsFavPen.
Hey there! Thanks for the review. It is a bit longer than normal poems, but I felt it was necessary to get the story across properly.
Thanks again!
I love the symbolism in this poem. I’m sorry I can’t say more; I’m new to the whole poetry world but i appreciate this work. Thank you for sharing. Beautiful poem.
Thank you!
Dear Nightcrawler,
This is a beautiful poem. <3
I find it very interesting how you portray the people as a "queen" and a "prince." It is cool that you have taken something personal to you, and transformed it into a poem with a touching and interesting story.
I am very fond of those three lines above.
Thanks for sharing this with us. Good luck to you and your family. =)
~Rose
Thank you!
He is our little prince, and we want him to come home soon.
Thank you!
He is our little prince, and we want him to come home soon.
Your welcome! I hope he does. <3
This is truly touching. Even more so if you know the story behind it. <3
Thank you. <3