she used to fabricate feathers out of
newspaper archives and magazine clippings, then
encompass them in birch bark and
aspirations anew, praying that with
faith trust pixie dust
she could ultimately spin out of society's grasp
she used to whirl flicker flit in the reflections of
storm clouds swelling the sun closed and
relish in the glorious feeling of
insignificance as
her world spiraled separately desperately and
flawlessly out of control
she used to implore a murky dark atmosphere to
splash spray smear her irises blue so that she
could leap amid mirrors winking
sprawled along and within the
sidewalk cracks as
her toes tasted the sky
she used to hang motionless between
skylines starlight euphoria sorrow but
the rope in her closet grabbed her by the throat and
shook her into a tantalizingly beautiful
crash landing
there are snow angels burnt into my lawn and
they don't seem to be aware of a
social quirk known as mortality.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello Nightcrawler! Happy review day.
So, I absolutely love this. It flows so freely and the lack of punctuation and capitalization or proper structure gives it a sort of ethereal feel, in my opinion. I know it's not the conventional way to write poetry but this resonated within me. I love your choice of words and the way you've written this.
I like how there's this underlying theme of "breaking out of society's grasp" and the concept of freedom. There's the air of despair and hopelessness hovering over the entire poem, like she's desperate to have a taste of what it would be like to just remain in her own world.
tightropes? It was a very subtle indication to this activity and I can see how it connects to the whole freedom theme. It seems like you've brought in so many issues that plague people in today's world, with all the pressures to conform and remain in society's good books, not stepping away from the pre-written expectations. I'm not completely sure what you had in mind when you wrote this but poetry can be interpreted in many different ways, and I find that this really strikes close to heart for me.
And of course, the part about
it seems like one can only try for a certain amount of time until everything comes crashing down. There's just this overwhelming sense of hopelessness throughout this.
I can see how some words might not go well together but I think that that's the power of original creativity. Everyone has something that works for them and to me, the way you've written this gives a different perspective and feel to the concept. The only part that kind of threw me off was the last line. It didn't flow as well as the rest of the poem, but apart from that, I loved this.
Great job and sorry for the really rambling review!
Thanks so much for the review!
Yummy, yummy imagery here, Night! I'm an especial fan of the second-to-last stanza because who doesn't like some flighty imagery? It also reminds me of this scene from this movie, the name of which I have /so/ conveniently forgotten (-_-) but I'm pretty sure it was a thriller of sorts. Funambulism has always struck me as rather intriguing anyway, so I liked how you incorporated it in your poem to create what I think was a rather strong metaphor. The hanging in limbo = freedom/ actually hanging = freedom(?) metaphor I adored. Although it is heavy and you might mean something very different--I'm going to stop rambling now.
So I think where your piece really starts fraying is that beginning, because it is weak and it has no knitting factor/constant to keep the ideas flowing together. In the rest of the poem, the images are strong because they're all derivatives of a single recurring theme: the sky, and the symbolic references it holds. I like the hope you're trying to show us with 'faith trust pixie dust' but it is so misplaced and does not belong to the images of magazine clippings + newspaper archives discussed earlier. Birch bark also sticks out and just splays what could have been a stronger opening. I understand why the mention of magazines is important, but maybe--when you edit--you might want to think about taking it full-circle. Meaning, you end with ground and start with the ground--use more 'grounded' images for the first stanza. The image of feathers and newspapers doesn't click with me, either, because papery feathers just strike me as eurgh. Perhaps origami/paper submarines (if you're willing to twist a cliche metaphor) could be used?
I fail to see how spiraling can be referred to as flawless, because there is nothing flawless about swimming images and tipping scales. It's an odd description, yeah, but it's not working for me.
The third stanza is rather clumsy nearing its end; it doesn't read as smoothly as the confusion in the last stanza. (By the way, I like the risk you've taken with this, but the portrayed confusion /does/ flow smoothly, for the most part.) Mirrors along sidewalks is also a weird image because I thought of puddles here and wondered if it was raining. If the mirrors were indeed puddles, then 'sprawled' is a word that doesn't fit because water does not sprawl. It leaks into fissures like a lethargic hand and spreads like a melting ... something.... Think about phrasing this.
Fourth stanza: *glomps*
The ending tastes slightly bitter and incomplete for some reason but I can't put my finger on it... Personally, I'd edit it to read something like:
Besides this, 'social quirk' isn't really playing it for me because, well, is that all that mortality is to the narrator? I have a feeling you could debate this, but I'm wanting something more solid and justifiable here because, to me, mortality is a facet of existence that runs super-deep.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Hoped this review helped, and keep up the great work!
Sorry if I sound all-over-the-place; I should be in bed. >.>
~Pomp c:
Thanks so much Pomp! I'll definitely take this into account. I agree that the beginning is a little rough and there are some patches that could be clearer. Thanks again. :3
What a tragic beautiful piece. The poem is good but you can work on this to make it better
- Capitalize the first word in each sentence. This is very important if you want your written work to look professional and it also helps the reader know when a new sentence starts.
- Complete sentences in each line. In a poem, each line has a strong significance so it's not advisable to cut the sentence midway. e.g.
"
she used to fabricate feathers out of
newspaper archives and magazine clippings, then
encompass them in birch bark and
aspirations anew, praying that with
faith trust pixie dust
she could ultimately spin out of society's grasp "
Instead try this:
"
She used to fabricate feathers
Feathers out of newspaper archives and magazine clippings
Feathers encompassed in birch bark
Aspirations anew she prayed
With faith, trust, pixie dust she hoped
Hoped to ultimately spin out of society's grasp "
- The above is just an example on how to make each sentence its own unique emotion, as well as make each sentence relevant to the next one.
Hope this helps. Keep writing striking poetry.
Hey Barbilo! Thanks for the review. However, everything I put in this poem was intentional. Because it is freestyle, there are no set rules for grammar or capitalization. I chose to make every stanza a run-on, unfinished, not capitalized mess because it shows the character spinning out of control. This poem represents a lot and I felt that proper grammar would mess with the flow.
Thanks for the suggestions!
~Night
Yeah, the poem is full of emotion and what matters is getting out how you feel. The important thing is to make the reader feel the same way as they are reading it as you felt, if you are writing it to be read by others.
Overall, well done. ^_^