you always said that keeping quiet never hurt anyone but
silence hurts as much as your eyes, you know.
the gleam of sharp nothing in the air between us
cuts at my ears and claws my skull
your eyes, callous and gorgeous all at once
throw me flailing into an icy sea
and you wave goodbye with fingerprints stained with the ugly words
"reliable" and "constant" and "love"
and as the water curls and cracks over and through my eyelashes,
seeps into my pupils,
nesting in creases of irises hazel,
you wave.
you wave,
(once twice swish)
and you wave happily.
i quickly learn how it is to drown:
easily,
softly, and
in silence.
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140,135 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Brilliant. Ill definitely review later when i have more time.
Thanks!
Ah, well that was a sad poe-------- oh god, its the return of the happy death poems!!
So the start of the poem/spoken word/whatever was fine, it portrayed a person who you or someone else used to love, and again, that's fine, but at the end of the poem sociopath McGee becomes a total poop head and betrays you, pushing you into the cold water of deeeaaathhh... spookyyy. Now here is where said poem becomes tricky, now girl or guy or whatever who is now suuppper depressed, doesn't fight, doesn't do anything, just drowns....
you know what, whatever, the point is I don't like this poems theme. I feel their could be more added to this, like a comeback or a moral or something that would give it more emotion and inspiration. Anyway, fine poem, laters
Hey Verser! I felt that your review wasn't very respectful, nor helpful at all. This poem is not a literal story of drowning, but rather a representation of something quite sensitive in my own life. Perhaps in the future, you could be more sensitive, as poetry is often used to express one's feelings, and I felt that you were taunting mine.
Anyway, fine review, whatever, laters
yeah I dot this to my teachers to. Sorry Night, I just suck at writing reviews, whenever I try to do them I cant resist adding something I believe to be a little bit comical. In this case I went to far and I apologize for the insensitivity of my review. it was indeed a fine poem by the way
Well, I understand the frustration with teachers. It's alright, just please try to be more cautious with poems like this! Teens are angsty, we're going to write poems about death.
Thanks.
Hello! I see Ironspark has stolen most of my thunder but I will try to not repeat anything anyone has already said!
First off, "sharp nothing" kind of confuses me, enlighten me please? is sharp describing nothing? or should there be a comma?
I agree with Ironspark on "and you wave goodbye with fingerprints stained with the stupid words", I feel this kind of hurts the flow of the poem.
The imagery in this is beautiful by the way, I honestly don't have much left to say. Beautiful piece.
Always a fan of your poetry <3
-Kamryn
Thank you Lylas! I'll keep that in mind.
Hi there, Nightcrawler.
Introduction:
To begin with, I just want to say how much I love this poem. Your writing manages to be simultaneously rhythmic, eloquent, and raw. In this review, I'm just going to highlight a few overall suggestions and a few nitpicks.
Formatting and Punctuation:
I love the way that you played around with the formatting and punctuation here. Your grammatical choices really open up the flow of the poem and make the phrases more "natural". So, really, nothing to say here. >.>
Flow and Phrasing:
So, I have a quick question about the phrase here:
What do you mean by this? It was a bit confusing to me... but maybe that's just my brain overlooking the obvious. :}
I just have one other thing on this topic:
I understand the context this is in, but for a moment it made me sort of stop. I don't think that "stupid" is the best word choice here; it breaks up the flow of the poem and is a bit... immature-sounding, I guess. Anyway, just a suggestion!
Vocabulary:
I love your use of "callous" here. That single word really put an image in my mind of the setting of the poem.
Really, in this section, I have nothing to say but good things. Oh, and a fun exercise...
One place you could use this would be where I mentioned before, "and you wave goodbye with fingerprints stained with the stupid words". You could replace "stupid" with "meaningless", which would be fitting because the words could literally have no definition in your mind... like the character doesn't even understand them... ignore me, I'm ranting.
Grammar:
N/A - Free Verse
Style:
In the end, your work really reminds me of the poet E.E. Cummings. I'm sure you're familiar with him; if not, his work is all over the internet.
Anyway, keep writing. I'm going to go review some of your other poetry!
IronSpark
Thank you very much for the constructive review! I'll keep that in mind!
To be honest, I'm not much of a reviewer - I know what I like and dislike, but I struggle with putting it into words. But here goes anyway.
I keep reading this over and over, mainly because I love the imagery. Whenever I read poetry, I'm always reminded of my high school English teacher telling us that, "poets choose every word they use with utmost care in order to maximize the impact of their work," and I feel like you've done that here. I like how simply this is written, with minimal punctuation to clutter it up. It just flows so beautifully. I'm not 100% clear on the meaning (maybe your intention was to leave it slightly open to interpretation), but I think the feelings you're trying to convey come through easily.
Thank you!
Hmm... I found it difficult to understand the meaning of this poem. Though it was good to read it. The only problem is you haven't used capital letters in your poem. So your work looks a little shabby and loses most of its charm. Also the number of lines you put in the stanza were a bit inconsistent. Never mind, Still I would say it's a good poem. Just make sure you do this things next time.
Thanks for the suggestions, Divya! Some tips for your future reviewing of poetry:
This is called free verse poetry. This means that no rhythm or rhyme scheme or set lines are required. There are basically no rules, so the author makes them up. Authors like E.E. Cummings have declined to use capitalization, and I personally like the look of it for when I write more personal poems. So, for the future, just know that poems are gray when it comes to set rules in stone. Perhaps give more feedback about the content. What did you struggle to understand? What parts of it did you like? What makes it a good poem?
I hope you enjoy YWS! Thanks again.
Hello Nightcrawler,
Myjaspercat here for a review...
So I have to say, I love this poem. I think it is really interesting. As well, I understand your struggle in how you can only seem to write poems during exams, I know that last week as we were studying for finals (which are today and tomorrow) I only thought about poetry. So, I feel you my fellow writer. Anyways, on with the review...
1.) "you always said that keeping quiet never hurt anyone but" ---I like this line, I think that it is really good as an opening line, it is very interesting. My only suggestion would to add a comma between 'but' and 'anyone' because this seems were the pause would be if you were to speak it.
2.) "the gleam of sharp nothing in the air between us
cuts at my ears and claws my skull" ---I don't know what it is, but I really love this descriptive line. It just seems so deep and dark (if you were my dad I would say just like my soul- but you're not, and I guess I just did).
3.) I don't know if you know this, so I am just going to say it anyway... if you press the 'shift' and 'enter' keys at the same time when starting a new line, it wont add that big space between lines. Therefore fixing spacing issues.
I really love the deep meaning behind this poem, It feels like it just kind of sucked into me and wrapped around my poetry loving soul. They way you wrote this is just so amazing that there isn't really anything I can touch upon, as you can see above. I hope I helped you get some of the feed back you needed. Have any questions feel free to message me and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Good luck and continue writing. ---Myjaspercat
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"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." -- Rudyard Kipling
"When you look at a field of dandelions, you can either see a hundred weeds, or a thousand wishes."-- unknown
Thank you!
Hi Dear nightcrawler!
This is Eros here to revieww your wonderful poem.
You have really a wonderful God gift. Writing poetry needs a great talent.I loved the first Two lines:
"you always said that keeping quiet never hurts anyone but
silence hurts as much as your eyes, you know."
They express a real fact in a very artistic way.It is a true fact which is expressed in a poetic manner and I loved and enjoyed reading your wonderful poem which had a dramatic effect.
I am moved by your poem.
You continue writing
...and we will continue reading and loving your poems
Thank you!